[ what comes upon them is an unknown variable, one that he is blind to in the way that he is not blinded to the way his hand constricts so tight around jiang cheng's wrist, the way that lan wangji's hand releases in favor of cupping his elbow. it's such a gentle touch, a balm to the screaming thing that spreads dark wings behind his heart, caged by his own ribs - an ugly, horrible thing that wants to rake his fingernails across a face. he doesn't care which one, just that he lashes out and bares his teeth ( i should have known i should have known, that dark thing laughs, manic and bright in its reawakening -- )
wei ying.
his name.
i have always --
his calling. ]
I don't want this.
[ it takes him over, wrung thinly out between two men who are doubtlessly important to him. his brother-in arms, his partner-in-deed. ]
I don't want us to be like this.
[ it's raw honesty that falls from him, curling with unspoken pain and simmering wrath ( even that, in the wake of this thing that lan zhan has unconsciously set upon them, the strained thread of veracity that demands he speak truthfully, honestly, plainly -- ), he is a raw thing, like a heap of bloodied meat, a dying heart beating in the palm of a hand. madness in the way he tears himself into two, into three, to satisfy everyone around him, to see to their needs. ]
You're both -- [ like jiang cheng, he shuts his mouth tight, feeling the words rise in him ( so bold, so shameless! so much so that he is even shocked by them ), but he does not let them linger until he swallows them. instead, his grasp loosens on jiang cheng's wrist. it finds his shoulder instead. his other hand rises, to take lan wangji in the same hold as his own shoulders crawl, defensive and braced, against what may be inevitable. he's made his bed, he's done this thing, all of those things - terrible things, in the name of his selfish desires and mad love. ]
You're both so important to me, how else can I say this? No amount of apologizing will mend the things I did, the way I treated you both in the past. You're both here, though and I... I just wanted you to come live with me. So that, maybe - maybe I could try to make amends for what I've done. So that, maybe I could take care of you properly. Like I should have, as your shidi, Jiang Cheng. Like I should have, back at Koi Tower, Lan Zhan.
no subject
wei ying.
his name.
i have always --
his calling. ]
I don't want this.
[ it takes him over, wrung thinly out between two men who are doubtlessly important to him. his brother-in arms, his partner-in-deed. ]
I don't want us to be like this.
[ it's raw honesty that falls from him, curling with unspoken pain and simmering wrath ( even that, in the wake of this thing that lan zhan has unconsciously set upon them, the strained thread of veracity that demands he speak truthfully, honestly, plainly -- ), he is a raw thing, like a heap of bloodied meat, a dying heart beating in the palm of a hand. madness in the way he tears himself into two, into three, to satisfy everyone around him, to see to their needs. ]
You're both -- [ like jiang cheng, he shuts his mouth tight, feeling the words rise in him ( so bold, so shameless! so much so that he is even shocked by them ), but he does not let them linger until he swallows them. instead, his grasp loosens on jiang cheng's wrist. it finds his shoulder instead. his other hand rises, to take lan wangji in the same hold as his own shoulders crawl, defensive and braced, against what may be inevitable. he's made his bed, he's done this thing, all of those things - terrible things, in the name of his selfish desires and mad love. ]
You're both so important to me, how else can I say this? No amount of apologizing will mend the things I did, the way I treated you both in the past. You're both here, though and I... I just wanted you to come live with me. So that, maybe - maybe I could try to make amends for what I've done. So that, maybe I could take care of you properly. Like I should have, as your shidi, Jiang Cheng. Like I should have, back at Koi Tower, Lan Zhan.