[ it has been a slow thing, building alongside things he has long felt for lan wangji: admiration, for his talent and his handsome face, for how fun and easy it was to tease him and lead him across the cloud recesses in nightly chases, wondering what it would be like to be caught. to be captured. it has built, with the contact they've shared - the blue, glowing thing that has spread its wings and shared their intimate feelings across the touch and brush of skin. without words, without sound, they are able to convey to one another a language that they have heard spoken, but cannot form the words to express. his own bloom like lilies, whispering affectations to lan wangji self-consciously, nimble and quick as the piping of chenqing at his lips. ]
Ow --
[ he whispers the word against lan wangji's mouth, not because the man has set his teeth to the soft swell of his bottom lip, but because as he stretches his arms to embrace lan wangji's neck, he feels pain tear through his shoulder, streaking along his ribs to his hips. where he is bruised, where he has been shot and his hand mangled by teeth to the point where he fears infection will set in and rob him of his dexterity, if he does not lose the fingers entirely. it reminds him, in part, of yi city. of xue yang, a boy so wrapped up in his madness and cruelty that he had to be put down as a dog given to brain-malady might be. of a boy, so mangled inside and out, that he could have become if not for the yunmeng-jiang.
he pulls back, aware suddenly of where they are. of lan wangji's nakedness under the sheet and he touches his uninjured fingers to his mouth, stroking thumb over the spot where he had been bitten, ever softly. and then he drops his head, to the sun-spark burn on lan wangji's bare chest, to the scar that has settled at the core of it -- his mark of death. don't cry, he tells lan wangji -- even as he, himself, feels the urge to sob rise inside of him once more. because lan wangji is alive, because he is given a second ( no, a third chance ) and he doesn't understand why he is being given such kindness. why has the world given to him family, love, chance after chance to pursue any sort of happiness -- why has it taken and given lan wangji back to him? he doesn't understand, and it curls within him like paranoia, abyssal and sticky-sick. it settles there, as much part of him as his gratitude is. as his affections for lan wangji are. ]
I want to kiss you more, Lan Zhan -- but I'm nervous about what I'll do, if I keep going.
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Ow --
[ he whispers the word against lan wangji's mouth, not because the man has set his teeth to the soft swell of his bottom lip, but because as he stretches his arms to embrace lan wangji's neck, he feels pain tear through his shoulder, streaking along his ribs to his hips. where he is bruised, where he has been shot and his hand mangled by teeth to the point where he fears infection will set in and rob him of his dexterity, if he does not lose the fingers entirely. it reminds him, in part, of yi city. of xue yang, a boy so wrapped up in his madness and cruelty that he had to be put down as a dog given to brain-malady might be. of a boy, so mangled inside and out, that he could have become if not for the yunmeng-jiang.
he pulls back, aware suddenly of where they are. of lan wangji's nakedness under the sheet and he touches his uninjured fingers to his mouth, stroking thumb over the spot where he had been bitten, ever softly. and then he drops his head, to the sun-spark burn on lan wangji's bare chest, to the scar that has settled at the core of it -- his mark of death. don't cry, he tells lan wangji -- even as he, himself, feels the urge to sob rise inside of him once more. because lan wangji is alive, because he is given a second ( no, a third chance ) and he doesn't understand why he is being given such kindness. why has the world given to him family, love, chance after chance to pursue any sort of happiness -- why has it taken and given lan wangji back to him? he doesn't understand, and it curls within him like paranoia, abyssal and sticky-sick. it settles there, as much part of him as his gratitude is. as his affections for lan wangji are. ]
I want to kiss you more, Lan Zhan -- but I'm nervous about what I'll do, if I keep going.