[ immediately after that first shot, cas is regretting not grabbing for dean's machete instead. he probably could've thrown it without moving, right? maybe. his aim might be terrible now.
they were so close to something that felt huge, dean searching in that tangled bond of theirs for him the same way they've done for years before, and cas holding still, letting him, waiting for him to find what he's looking for. he's always been a being bigger than the bones that hold him, inhuman and intangible, even reduced down to his vessel as he is now, the body holding him doesn't feel completely like him. it isn't all of him, isn't what defines his existence, and he knows dean recognizes that. it's so rare that dean turns towards an inspection rather than away, and cas didn't want to lose that so soon.
fucking bulbasaur.
but the contact's gone and so is the warmth of dean's hand and the heat of his body standing inches away, and castiel can't help mourning the loss, like the floor yanked out abruptly underneath him after dean snatches his hand back. for a few seconds, cas's hand hovers there in the air, as if waiting for dean to put his back, fingers slowly curling in. where there was life and thought and emotion that all breathed of dean settled snugly inside castiel's chest with him, the sudden loss leaves him feeling bereft, too empty, as if a cool breeze could make him shiver. cas wants to chalk that up to the human need for affection and physical contact, but he knows better by now. it wouldn't be the same had it been anyone else, even sam or jack.
regardless, dean's turned away from him and inward, the flood gates slamming shut and shutters pulled tight, sealing him off from the world around him again. his voice comes ground out and hard, and cas knows it isn't for anything he did. it's just dean reacting like dean, dealing with slipped vulnerability in his usual way. all things are eventually churned down into anger or frustration, if he can't find another way to purge it. ]
I didn't want to disturb you before it was necessary. [ cas answers finally, falling into step behind dean. ] Sorry.
[ as they walk, castiel's eyes follow the set of dean's shoulders, the incline of his head, watching like the tension can be seen as bright lines of light running through dean's body, tangled up in joints and strained muscle and frustration.
while the moment may have been cut shorter than cas would've liked, it was still a valuable exploration. he still felt dean's fear with him, his relief, his anxiety, and the bond allowed him to push a piece of himself through to dean, something he could never truly accomplish before, despite all of heaven's power in him. cas could knock him out, break open his mind, or throw him across the room with a thought, but never give him peace so directly, as if it were a small bundle he passed over by hand, delicate but treasured.
it's something worth thinking about. keeping in mind. the knotted mess of dean's self-hatred, shame, and trauma has been a nigh impassable wall for so long, and the empathy bond allowed cas to slip quietly and quickly underneath and past. it's like discovering a secret entryway, and there's an excitement in him for it that he's keeping tapped down right now. dean needs time to process, to mull over it a few thousand times before deciding if he wants to deal with it directly or brush it aside. cas tells himself he'll have another chance to reach past that wall and look for Dean again, and settles himself with following along obediently behind him. ]
There. [ cas raises a hand, pointing at a corner store that looks to be mostly intact, windows whole and door locked, but a locked door has never kept them out of anywhere. ] We can rest and restock inside.
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they were so close to something that felt huge, dean searching in that tangled bond of theirs for him the same way they've done for years before, and cas holding still, letting him, waiting for him to find what he's looking for. he's always been a being bigger than the bones that hold him, inhuman and intangible, even reduced down to his vessel as he is now, the body holding him doesn't feel completely like him. it isn't all of him, isn't what defines his existence, and he knows dean recognizes that. it's so rare that dean turns towards an inspection rather than away, and cas didn't want to lose that so soon.
fucking bulbasaur.
but the contact's gone and so is the warmth of dean's hand and the heat of his body standing inches away, and castiel can't help mourning the loss, like the floor yanked out abruptly underneath him after dean snatches his hand back. for a few seconds, cas's hand hovers there in the air, as if waiting for dean to put his back, fingers slowly curling in. where there was life and thought and emotion that all breathed of dean settled snugly inside castiel's chest with him, the sudden loss leaves him feeling bereft, too empty, as if a cool breeze could make him shiver. cas wants to chalk that up to the human need for affection and physical contact, but he knows better by now. it wouldn't be the same had it been anyone else, even sam or jack.
regardless, dean's turned away from him and inward, the flood gates slamming shut and shutters pulled tight, sealing him off from the world around him again. his voice comes ground out and hard, and cas knows it isn't for anything he did. it's just dean reacting like dean, dealing with slipped vulnerability in his usual way. all things are eventually churned down into anger or frustration, if he can't find another way to purge it. ]
I didn't want to disturb you before it was necessary. [ cas answers finally, falling into step behind dean. ] Sorry.
[ as they walk, castiel's eyes follow the set of dean's shoulders, the incline of his head, watching like the tension can be seen as bright lines of light running through dean's body, tangled up in joints and strained muscle and frustration.
while the moment may have been cut shorter than cas would've liked, it was still a valuable exploration. he still felt dean's fear with him, his relief, his anxiety, and the bond allowed him to push a piece of himself through to dean, something he could never truly accomplish before, despite all of heaven's power in him. cas could knock him out, break open his mind, or throw him across the room with a thought, but never give him peace so directly, as if it were a small bundle he passed over by hand, delicate but treasured.
it's something worth thinking about. keeping in mind. the knotted mess of dean's self-hatred, shame, and trauma has been a nigh impassable wall for so long, and the empathy bond allowed cas to slip quietly and quickly underneath and past. it's like discovering a secret entryway, and there's an excitement in him for it that he's keeping tapped down right now. dean needs time to process, to mull over it a few thousand times before deciding if he wants to deal with it directly or brush it aside. cas tells himself he'll have another chance to reach past that wall and look for Dean again, and settles himself with following along obediently behind him. ]
There. [ cas raises a hand, pointing at a corner store that looks to be mostly intact, windows whole and door locked, but a locked door has never kept them out of anywhere. ] We can rest and restock inside.