( catch all )

[leaderboards]

WHO: Carolina + others
WHERE: dreamscapes, around New Amsterdam
WHEN: july 2512+
WHAT: a catch all log
NOTES OR WARNINGS: general space marine ptsd; will update with anything else.

currently have one open dreamshare! will match prose if you feel more comfortable and feel free to hit me up if you want to plot something else: eflat or streetsongs#5551 or pm

Comments

[leaderboards]

[ of all the people she wants to acknowledge this room's mere existence to, wash is pretty close to the bottom of the list. because that means thinking about how she got him trapped in the original room, how bad of an idea it probably was to bring him to this set when he was still recovering.

(when she was still recovering, too; even in her dreams, she can feel the cold sweat on her neck, the tension in her body, something tight in her chest that makes her want to lock herself up somewhere and cry until she's exhausted her emotions into quieting.)

but wash is here and the door is locked and carolina's not sure how guilty she's going to look if she forcibly wakes herself up now. it's hard to keep the aftershocks of a nightmare from the person you're sharing a bed with, they've both confirmed over the last few months.

so she swallows hard, steps toward the middle of the room, tries not to look too closely at any set of armour. wash knows her too well not to know when she's upset, but she still tries to keep her voice as even as she can. ]

It's a movie set, just a morbid one. A friend of ours was... trying to tell a story about Project Freelancer.

[ about very specific people from freelancer, but she's not clarifying until wash asks. ]

[hardwearing]

[ The 'cast' as it were is... strange, if someone were telling a story about Freelancer. And the poses are even stranger. Wash's expression furrows in confusion, as he looks back to her from where he was examining Ohio. ]

Why them?

[ And he doesn't quite understand how it's morbid just yet. ]

[leaderboards]

[ wash looks at her and carolina finds she has to look away, still feels like she needs to hide how much this is upsetting her, even from the person most likely to know better.

she takes a few steps, just trying to give herself space, but that just finds her staring at maryland's chestplate. the suits of armour seem genuinely empty this time, real statues instead of bodies or jax's insistence on human actors. carolina tries to take comfort in that. ]

Because of how they died. Like this.

[hardwearing]

[ Despite being told that this is a set, Wash recoils from the armor he's examining when Carolina tells him that's how his old acquaintance died. His eyes widen, looking around at the figures again. So many of them. How could so many of them die the same way? It's like they're frozen in place, and -- ]

Who did this?! How did they get control of our armor lock, when the outposts were destroyed? How did they even know?

[ God, did they just... no, he doesn't want to imagine it. ]

[leaderboards]

They were from the Project.

[ standing in one place overwhelms her, carolina turning to walk... somewhere. anywhere else. she just needs to not be still in this room, pacing as she talks. ]

Another set of simulation troops that hated Freelancers and wanted revenge for being used. Their armour got updated with the lock at some point and they still had plenty of access to tech from their bases. And then the sims set traps, pretended to be allies, and our teammates wound up here.

[hardwearing]

...I. Sim troopers did this?

[ Wash wishes he were more surprised, but he knows what people are capable of working together. Knows the rage the truth about the Project ignites in people, that it ignited in him. But this? ]

That's such a horrible fucking way to die. After everything.

[leaderboards]

Most of them weren't even military anymore, I don't think. They'd— They weren't hurting anyone.

[ she pauses a moment, catches herself looking into the empty helmet in place of where illinois had died. before this place, carolina had thought that the other agents being well off of the unsc's radar was a good thing. now she wonders why she didn't try to look for them, after she'd settled things with the director.

that unpleasant tightness in her chest is back and carolina turns away, heading over to the far wall, to the filming equipment that had made the replica of this room so surreal. ]

But the Blues and Reds tracked them down and brought them here and just... left them for their life support to give out. None of them deserved that.

[hardwearing]

[ Wash just stands there quietly for a moment, then crosses the room and comes up behind Carolina to wrap his arms around her waist. She can lean, she can even pull away if she doesn't want the comfort right now, but he hopes she'll take it. ]

I'm sorry you found them that way. I'm sorry it happened. And that someone's making a spectacle of them now.

[leaderboards]

[ carolina tenses so abruptly at wash's touch that it's more like a flinch, but she doesn't pull away. she doesn't want to pull away, it's just hard to be held when she's this upset, still keeping the twist in her nightmare to herself. it feels cruel to burden wash with the truth, though, when it never happened for him and, so long as carolina has her way, never will. ]

Jax is honouring them in his way, I think. [ she pauses, covers wash's arms with her own so he won't let go of her just because she's still too stiff in his embrace. ] But it was difficult, to see how well he replicated this room. I wish he'd gotten creative instead.

[hardwearing]

[ It's a good thing Carolina does cover his arms with hers, because she's so tense he probably would have pulled away. Even when they're talking about unpleasant things she usually relaxes a little in his embrace. But this is bad.

He bends his head down to press against hers, thinking to himself that creative might have felt disrespectful. There's no winning in this situation. ]

If it were me, I wouldn't want it in a movie.

[leaderboards]

[ there's a catch in carolina's breath that's somewhere between a half-hysterical laugh and a swallowed down sob, a little jump in her shoulders as her fingers dig into wash's forearms.

if it were him, except it is. except she's seen the replicas of wash's armour and her own. except he didn't remember it on chorus and it's never happened to him here, so it's just some aching weight on carolina's shoulders alone and she's so tired of it.

carolina hesitates, forces a slow enough exhale that she's not clinging to him anymore, even if she hasn't started to relax yet. she can't, so long as some parts of her wants to just be not alone with the knowledge of what happened to them, even if it's probably not in wash's best interests. ]

Do you—? I mean, you're better off not knowing what happened, aren't you?

[ she just needs to hear that he doesn't want to know, that'll be enough to keep the story to herself, to steer the dream somewhere else or just wake up and hide in wash's arms for a while. ]

[hardwearing]

[ Now Wash is the one to tense up. Didn't she just tell him? Is there more? He frowns slightly, feeling his pulse speed up a little in dread. ]

I mean. Not now I'm not, if there's more.

[leaderboards]

[ wash tenses and carolina instantly knows she's made a mistake. she shouldn't have said anything, should have just let wash hold her until she forgot how terrible she felt. she should have acted like he knew all there was to know about this macabre trophy room now. ]

I didn't just find our teammates like this. [ she's quiet, wash knows her too well not to hear the regret heavy in her tone. ] We were here, David. For days.

[hardwearing]

[ At that news Wash goes very, very still. So still Carolina isn't even sure he's breathing, until he exhales all in a rush. And then he sounds angry when he speaks again, his voice low and serious. ]

Will we ever have suffered enough for Freelancer?

[leaderboards]

[ there's a quiet, pained noise that carolina can't fully swallow down at wash's tone. she regrets telling him, regrets that he has to know now, too. ]

I don't think so, no.

[ but just how frustrated the whole situation with ephemera when she first arrived made her might have more context for wash now, a reason for just how exhausted of trying to atone for the project's mistakes she really is. more than he knew. ]

[hardwearing]

[ It does give him more context, but it's context that he hates. They were tricked, trapped, and tortured. He assumes they survived and then realizes that's a foolish assumption. She's kept this locked down the whole time, there must be more to it.

And only one thing comes to mind. ]

Am I dead?

[leaderboards]

No.

[ it's more of a rush of air, quick to reassure him as carolina pulls just enough away to turn and face him. her expression is a little more wrecked than she'd usually let anyone see, even him, but she needs to make sure he knows she's telling the truth about that.

she raises her hands to cup wash's face as she looks up at him, engaging the empathy bond in the dream, even knowing that they're probably touching in bed as it is. carolina's palpably upset, filled with remorse and blaming herself for all of this, but she loves him. no matter what else passes through their bond, that is unchanging. ]

No, you're alive. But you were badly hurt when we were trying to leave and I— I was so afraid I'd lost you.

[hardwearing]

[ Carolina's self-blame hits Wash like a punch in the gut, and he reaches up to grip one of her wrists. Not pulling her hand away, just holding on so he doesn't pull back from the terrible feelings she's having. ]

...but you didn't.

[ He isn't asking for reassurance, he can feel that she's telling the truth. He's trying to reassure her, instead, of something he knows very little about which makes it seem like a feeble attempt but. There's one thing he knows for sure. ]

Whatever happened, I know it wasn't your fault.

[leaderboards]

[ wash reaching for her wrist nearly has carolina breaking contact entirely, instinctively wanting to shut herself off, to bury this as far down as she can again. but she doesn't, because he feels like she doesn't have to. he isn't trying to get away from her emotions, just soothe them a little, the same way she would for him, and she accepts that. ]

I should have known better. [ better than to fall for recordings of alpha as bait, better than to blindly trust sims that she had no reason to. better than to let her and wash get trapped in this damned room.

she drops her gaze to wash's chest to make some effort at pulling herself together, her breathing ragged. ]

And then I was so tired and you were beside me one minute and not the next and... [ her voice is too high, too close to breaking, and carolina closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath. ] I wasn't watching your back the way I was supposed to. The way you would have for me.

[hardwearing]

Carolina... nobody's perfect. If the situation were reversed there's no telling I wouldn't have missed something happening to you after being tortured for days. You can't blame yourself, blame the assholes who did that to us.

[ He doesn't try yet to tilt her head up, but is looking at her intently. She can feel his gaze, for certain. ]

I know it's hard. I blamed myself for everything that happened with Felix and Locus for a long time, for not figuring it out, for not being the one with the solutions, but that isn't going to be you all the time. You've done your best for me since Freelancer fell. I know you did then, too.

[leaderboards]

[ she knows wash is watching her, but carolina can't bring herself to raise her face, torn between just staying where she is, or pulling away, or stepping closer and tucking her head under his chin and coaxing his arms around her so maybe she'll feel okay again. for now, she stays still. ]

I can blame the Blues and Reds all I want but that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't enough. After every mistake I've made, I can't lose you to one, too. [ and then, so it comes out in a way she can control and not in some other night's nightmare: ] Your recovery isn't going great, on Chorus. You're not the same as you were before this and I don't know if you'll ever be.

[hardwearing]

[ Wash is going to counter again, until Carolina says he's not the same. That he might never be. His grip on her wrist tightens reflexively, so she doesn't pull back. Trying to get her to look at him. ]

What do you mean?

[ He supposes now he can't say that she won't lose him, that he always bounces back because... apparently it's not true. A cold dread spreads through him. ]

[leaderboards]

[ for all the little ways they've learned to communicate with one another, refined and reinforced by how much closer they've gotten in new amsterdam, carolina knows when wash is trying to get her attention. knows she should look up, that she owes him that.

but it still takes a long moment for her to make sure she's not going to cry, for her to feel steady enough to look up at him again. ]

You weren't breathing for a while. It did damage to your brain and even though Grey did her best to help you, she couldn't undo that. A lot of the time, you're still you, you've just forgotten all of this, which is a good thing. [ even if that makes carolina's own healing process an incredibly lonely one. ] But then it's like something just turns off and I lose you, for some bit of time. Minutes or hours or whole days, sometimes, when it's really bad.

[hardwearing]

[ Wash is still and quiet for a long moment, not even breathing just... trying to process what Carolina is telling him. Brain damaged. He's fucking brain damaged? And sometimes it gets that bad? He doesn't fully understand, though, so has to ask. ]

What do you mean something turns off....?

[leaderboards]

I don't know if you're just angry because you're confused or if it's because I'm there or—

[ her voice breaks and carolina cuts herself off, knowing that unless she calms down, she's just going to be going in upset circles trying to pick her words. wash will be able to feel the struggle of carolina trying to pull herself together enough to answer his question, to give him in the information she can't hide from him, now.

closing her eyes, carolina takes a deep breath, and tells herself things will be better after she's told him the things she's been keeping from him. when she looks at him again, her expression is resolute. ]

You're just not yourself when you have those episodes and it makes me worry. I never know what conversations we'll be repeating or how much you'll push me away, so I give you space and that's not the right answer, either, but I don't know what else to do.