meadowlarklogs | Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures

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Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures

WHO: Ellie and Glimmer
WHERE: Magpie Coffee & Teas/Ellie's apartment
WHEN: July 11th/July 16th
WHAT: Just two friends getting tea/Just two friends having dinner
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Discussion and mem-share of past traumas.

[ The flurry of new arrivals and existing Displaced heading off to New Beijing has calmed down a little, hopefully giving Ellie time to get settled and for Glimmer to figure out a good time for them to go. It's one of her days off and with warm summer weather she opts for a flowing skirt matched with a short-sleeved crop, matching purple and cyan in what might seem too loud a color combination on anyone but the pink-haired young woman.

She's early, of course. For one thing she knows where she's going. For another, she's got nerves going about this visit. Which is weird. That's weird, right? She's just showing a new friend a place to get something nice to drink, maybe making some conversation about where they both come from and how things are going here in New Amsterdam. No big deal. She's done it plenty of times with other friends. So why nervous? She's hovering outside the entrance of the shop, occasionally checking her comm in between fretfully toying with the silver-toned bangles on one wrist. When she finally spots Ellie, she straightens to stand on her tip-toes a little, just to make sure she can be seen, and waves. ]

Hey! Ellie! Over here!

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[Ellie follows Glimmer's lead; getting her appetite back has actually been one of the best things about New Amsterdam, and she's doing better at it every day. The flavor of the noodles is a little nutty, a little spicy, a little pickled and sweet and rich and so, so good.

Ellie manages to swallow one bite before Glimmer launches into what she found, and Ellie opens the file, glancing over it -- and feels her heart tick to a stop, feels short of breath.

It's so, so perfect, and Ellie loves it. She loves it more than words can say.

But the memories are like a fist to the face, and Ellie painfully swallows the noodles, blinking fast to keep back the threat of tears.

Hey. Welcome to Earth.]

Y-Yeah, I'd really-

I'd really like that.

[ Glimmer smiles around a mouthful of dinner. There's a brief moment of hesitation and uncertainty when she realizes that Ellie is fighting back tears, despite the admission that this something that she'd like. Glimmer hesitates, unsure of what to do for a moment. ]

Sorry. I... Are you okay, Ellie?

[Ellie reaches up to cover her mouth, still fighting back the tears. It's sudden, and it's stupid, it's so fucking stupid, but she misses him. She misses him so much, and she was so utterly unprepared for it to hit like this.]

Yeah. Yeah, I just-

[Ellie sets her box down, reaches up with the heel of her hand to swipe the tears from her eyes. Presses her lips together and just breathes.]

... fuck. Sorry.

[ Glimmer wants to comfort Ellie. Wants to reach and touch her, ask her what's wrong. Of course... with displaced, it's so much different. It's not that simple.

Fortunately, Glimmer has a tool that can make it simpler. She dives into her bag and emerges a moment later with the scarf of all things. The thin, gauzy, summery thing that she had bought after the embrace in that little shop. She flicks it over Ellie's shoulders in a hurried motion and a moment after her hand settles to rub in small circles. ]

Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Take a few breaths.

[ She frowns. ]

Do you want to talk about it? Or is this, like... one of those "it's not that I don't want to tell you, but this would suck to talk about right now" things?

[It seems so... utterly impossible to explain, and that more than anything is what leaves her unable to open her mouth, to even begin. She doesn't want to subject Glimmer to any of it-

And while she's trying to mentally claw her way out of this pit, Glimmer cuts through it, and the cool, silky scarf flutters down over her, over her head and shoulders, back and arms, not quite cutting out the world but bathing it in a layer of twilight, with Glimmer's hand, warm on her back.

It brings her up from it, snaps her out of it, even if she still feels short of breath. She takes a few deep ones. Slow.

... it wasn't an attack. It wasn't anything close to the barn, or to the episode she'd had while out hunting, or any of the dozens of times before that. Maybe it's because Glimmer was right here to catch her, to head it off. Maybe this is how most people experience grief.

Ellie takes a few more deep breaths. Her skin... tingles, but doesn't hurt. She looks up at Glimmer and wishes she could just... bypass the telling, and just-

Fuck. She actually can.]

... might be easier to show you.

[ Glimmer is sitting there, concerned and worried. Frightened that by trying to do something kind she has in actuality been cruel. She swallows. Seems taken aback by the suggestion, but slowly, she nods. She doesn't know what else to do. This is a big step of trust. Of intimacy. It feels big in a way that she cannot quite quantify. ]

I'm okay with that. If you're sure.

[ She swallows again, food forgotten in the moment. ]

Just. You might get some stuff back from me, okay?

[ She offers out a hand, waiting for Ellie to be the one to feel comfortable and initiate this. She doesn't want to rush or nudge or try and force her friend into this. ]

[Dina had pressed her so much, so often, just to talk about Joel. Like "getting it out" would help, like he was some kind of food poisoning to purge from her system. Ellie's -- afraid, yes, but... it's more than that, now.

The grief is there, yes -- but a part of her hungers for her memories of him, even if they cause her pain. She's not in a place where she can find the words to tell Glimmer what happened, or why, and especially not how.

But she doesn't need to do that, to make her understand.]

S'fine with me.

[Ellie's voice is a little bit hoarse. She reaches up, pulls the scarf from her head, lets it trickle down to fall weightlessly into her lap, so soft it catches on the roughness of her fingers. She turns her hand palm-up in her lap, and as Glimmer's hand touches hers, Ellie encapsulates the memory, pops it like a bubble.

It flows through them along with that blue glow.

The memory is an impossibly happy one. An overgrown museum, a run-down shuttle capsule in a space exhibit, a museum frozen in time. A ruin now, but still something able to be explored. Ellie herself a good several inches shorter, her voice higher and sweeter, softer. Younger. Excited and so perfectly happy as she climbs inside, and an older man with a hard face and warm brown eyes, sliding in next to her.

His voice as he speaks is obvious in how he loves her, his fingertips on her arm utterly paternal, despite the fact that he and Ellie look nothing alike. Close your eyes.

The cassette tape of shuttle launch is rapturously beautiful, rendered fully ethereal in Ellie's memories, enshrining the simple tape played over her earphones into something beyond measure.

She comes back to Earth with Joel watching her, his dark eyes on her face, his heart in them.

I do okay? he whispers, and that mirrored love bubbles up in Ellie's chest, a warmth and loyalty and devotion and protectiveness and he is so obviously everything to her. Ellie's are you fucking kidding me is cracking at the edges, the smile hurting her cheeks, and when the laughter takes them both, it fills them to bursting.

Ellie slides out of the pod, all gangly legs and smaller, softer hands, thin wrists, to find Joel waiting there for her, holding a lovingly shined metal-and-enamel pin that looks like a rocket ship.

Hey, he says, his voice soft. Welcome to Earth.

The memory dissolves like sea foam, leaving the afterglow of that warmth- and the awful aftertaste of grief. Guilt. Horror.

Ellie slides her hand away before it can climb to a fever pitch.]

Edited 2020-11-01 07:02 (UTC)

[ Glimmer takes a breath and does her best to clear her mind before Ellie reaches out to touch her hand. She's only done this a few times before and each time has been its own experience. There's a low sound from her as the new memory washes over her. It doesn't, perhaps, take as much time in the physical realm for her to experience it as it had for Ellie. It is only a memory, the strongest and most memorable impressions of a thing that has passed, filtered through emotions and bias and experience.

It is an experience, a new memory that is not hers and yet will now be forever imprinted onto the neurons of her brain. A piece of Ellie's world. Overgrown ruins that put her in mind of what remained of the First Ones and there is a flash of her own memory of overgrown ruins across their link. A lingering sense of awe towards a bygone age as her mind forges the connection. More importantly, the emotions. The love. The joy. It's enough to bring tears to her eyes as she finds herself almost overwhelmed by it all. The bitter tang of guilt and grief mingling with all that joy.

Glimmer is crying, tears streaking silently down her cheeks. There is insight here, terrible and wonderful. She only ever knew her mother, but this man had to have been Ellie's father, she thinks and the distressingly familiar emotions around her own mother threaten to surge back across between them. Images of an angelic woman, tall and slender and regal. The bitterness of a final argument, the frustration, the desire to prove her wrong. The sweet joys of cooking together, of shared laughter, warm embraces, the trust placed in her to lead their people against overwhelming odds, a final message--

Glimmer pulls back at almost the same moment Ellie does, unwilling to subject her friend to the inner workings of her own grief, as much as she has done to process it in the year or more since her mother died. She knows those feelings from Ellie intimately, though they are not her own. ]

Ellie--

[ Glimmer grabs awkwardly at the scarf and pulls it up again in a hurried motion. She throws her arms around the other woman and pulls her close, fingers tight, pressing hard enough to hard through the sheer fabric of the scarf. Her first instinct is to comfort, though not to apologize for the gift of the VR package because she can sense that it is welcomed. No, the apology is because Ellie, too, has suffered such a loss and knows the feelings that come with it. She hates that her friend has had to endure it, apparently alone. ]

I'm so sorry.

Edited 2020-11-01 15:59 (UTC)

[It strikes Ellie as fucked-up that Glimmer can cry freely about her loss, but Ellie still just can't. It comes in fits and starts, in raging storms, in attacks of fear and desperation and bouts of numbness she can't always break through. In anger that she fed and fed and fed just to feel something that made sense, until it burned up everything else.

Glimmer's arms wrap around her, and there's a pang of pain deep in her chest, a deep thrum of something shaking loose. Glimmer's memories of her mother are so close, still- a loving mother who didn't always do everything right, but adored Glimmer with all that she was, and did everything she could to keep her safe.

No memory is pure. No person is perfect. And in those small glimpses, Ellie knows more about Glimmer's love for her mother than all the words she's ever said aloud.

Ellie's not in a place yet where she can really, truly let herself be comforted. But Glimmer's arms are too tight and for once, they don't feel like something pinning her down. They're just steadying her, and she lets herself breathe. Every breath catches on the inside of the scarf, and she doesn't know if it feels more like a cocoon or a shroud.

Maybe a little of both.]

... that was Joel.

[He voice is scratchy, thick. It wasn't all of Joel.]

It wasn't like we were related, but he- was family.

[Ellie's mouth feels dry. The tears are hot. Family, she says, because it's the only word that can encompass the depth of that bond, in all of its beautiful and terrible truths.]

I understand.

[ Glimmer's voice is soft and muffled against Ellie's shoulder. She wants to hold the other, to try and wring the pain free of her with her affection and care. Of course, such things aren't truly possible. It doesn't stop her from wanting, of course. ]

I--If I'd known how important this was I wouldn't have blindsided you with it.

[ A tinge of guilt, for being the cause of fresh pain and the aggravation of old wounds. ]

[There's a tinge of fresh pain, spreading across Ellie's tongue, but she shifts and moves, freeing one arm enough to wrap around Glimmer's waist, and rest there, gripping the ends of the scarf around her fingers.]

It's not your fault that I don't fucking talk. You didn't know.

And I-

I really, really wanna see it.

[It's bittersweet, saying it, but she wants to -- and she knows with certainty that Joel would want this for her, too.]

[ Glimmer gives a small smile. Her cheeks are flushed a little, embarrassed, a little excited, a little ashamed. She sits back a little, the better to look at Ellie.

There is such adoration. ]

Okay. Let's eat and then we can try it out together? If you want?

[It hurts, the way Glimmer looks at her, because no part of Ellie feels that she really deserves it. She never has felt like anything really special as a person, but Glimmer's obvious affection for her has her stomach flipping over, because eventually, she's gonna find out.

Ellie's not a good person who made some bad decisions. Ellie's a fucked up person who's done some fucked up shit, and if they keep touching, even if it's just a hug, Glimmer's eventually going to find that out.

Is it okay to keep going? Is it okay to do this? To let Glimmer like her, based on only the very best parts of her?

Ellie's throat threatens to close up again, and she swallows past it, reaching up to draw the scarf from over her face.

What are you really afraid of? Hurting her, or being hurt? she asks herself. The OA had called her brave, for daring to open herself up. She'd seen it all and hadn't turned away. Can she give Glimmer any less?]

... yeah. I'd like that.

[ If Glimmer knew what Ellie was thinking, then she would reach out and shake her. Ellie absolutely deserves affection, love, and support. To say that someone doesn't deserve those things would be horrifying (okay maybe not Shadow Weaver). Glimmer reaches out for her bowl of noodles and begins to eat again, aiming to shift the conversation away from the rather heavy revelation. ]

So, um. Tell me about your job?

[Good ol' Glimmer. Ellie shoots her a small smile, appreciative, then shifts away just enough that they won't accidentally brush together. The noodles are still warm, and Ellie settles quickly enough, latching onto the topic.

She also talks with her mouth full; Joel never did break her of the habit.]

Oh- yeah, I think I told you a little. How I got into that fight? Well, my boss is actually awesome.

[Ellie wipes the sauce off her lip with the heel of her hand.]

She figured out pretty quick that I didn't have a place to stay, long-term, so she referred me over to here. She's friends with the landlady so some of my coworkers live here. Single parents with kids at home, that sort of thing. Widows or people who married assholes, and had to get out. Get back on their feet.

I guess she saw the scars, and my fingers, and figured I'd had it hard. She didn't ask too many questions.

But she did refer me to a doctor, to get some robo-fingers.

[Ellie holds her left hand up with a little smile, wiggling her new digits back and forth. The look exactly like real fingers, flesh-toned and textured.]

They even fixed up the nerve endings, so I've got some feedback on 'em. They don't even hurt so much anymore.

[ Thankfully for Ellie, Glimmer doesn't seem to mind terribly much. She listens attentively as she chews a mouthful of her own noodles, nodding occasionally. Ellie had landed with some good people, it sounded like. What a relief. Of course, Ellie had that hard edge to her, a bit like someone like Huntara. She was confident in her abilities, was unwilling to take crap from others.

That she didn't need that edge to find someplace safe and welcoming made Glimmer feel better though. She's halfway through a mouthful of noodles when Ellie shows off her new fingers. Glimmer startles a little. ]

Oh gosh! They blended in so well I didn't even notice them! That's great!

[Ellie grins at Glimmer's reaction -- it was one of those things she hadn't been sure how to approach, but she's taken it all in stride. Just like everything else.]

Right? Makes things so much easier.

[The scars are still there to contend with, but thankfully Ellie's aren't disfiguring or anything; most people won't see them in low light unless they look closely.]

I do wanna check something, though. If it wouldn't freak you out?

[ Glimmer comes from a world where things like physical differences are normal. Celebrated, even. That someone might be rude about it doesn't really cross her mind. ]

I bet it does.

[ She tilts her head, mouth full of noodles. ]

What is it?

Can I touch you with them? I just want to see if it'll make us glow.

[Glimmer's been really cool about all of this, so she doesn't think it'll be a big deal, but some people here have been really freaked out by Ellie's missing fingers -- and if it still counts as "touch", then it's best to check.

She doesn't want to accidentally pry into Glimmer's emotions without warning.]

Oh! Yeah, no problem!

[ The idea seems completely sound to Glimmer. They ARE artificial fingers. She holds a hand out, idly wondering what Entrapta would think of the amazing technology of this place. She'd probably not like their general anti-robot bent, of course... ]

[Putting another bite of noodles in her mouth, Ellie flashes her a smile, then reaches out to touch her hand. No glow. She moves her fingers, curling them, laying them on Glimmer's hand almost all the way up to the knuckles. When she finds the place where skin brushes, she lifts her hand away.

Glimmer will get a fleeting glimpse of something happy and excited, but also that faint, tangled aftertaste of guilt. It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it.

Ellie's fingers feel pretty much exactly like skin. They're a tiny bit cooler than the rest of her body, but only noticeable if one's really thinking about it.]

... so fucking cool. I can feel that, a little.

Might even be able to play guitar again.

[ There's a little thrill in GLimmer's chest at the touch. A spark of joy that they can touch and yet still be separate if needed. It's strange. The fingers feel as much like the real thing as she can imagine and if it weren't for the fact that she knew Ellie had been missing two fingers when they met, she might think they had never been lost in the first place. ]

That's really cool. I hope you can.

[ She smiles. ]

Maybe I can listen to you play sometime.

If you want to.

[Ellie takes another bite of noodles -- christ, she needs to stop looking at her like that -- chewing, swallowing.]

The bar I'm working at has live music acts. They've got a few instruments laying around, and Ruth's fine with me playing, if we're not open.

[Ruth hasn't heard Ellie play for real yet. Ellie shrugs.]

You gotta promise not to laugh.

[ Glimmer shakes her head. ]

Look, if I can listen to Bow play, then I can handle yours. Promise.

Okay, what does Bow play?

[Ellie's starting to like this Bow guy, from what she's heard about him. Definitely not going to wish he'd show up here, but it's obvious how much Glimmer misses the dude.]

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