（ and because every time aidan says something nice about him, jai has a kneejerk desire to throw it in his face, prove he's nothing like what aidan thinks he is — he has to just. shut that down now. because if aidan actually thinks he's a good person he's terrified he might have something to live up to. it's

easy. being the kestrel. he doesn't have to be on all the time. doesn't have to be perfect, doesn't have to be decent. he can show up, save someone, leave — and go be a shitty person somewhere else once the hood's off. being a good person every waking minute of your day is fucking work. and he's not ready for that yet. may never be ready. ）

You've seen five seconds of me with a kid that I send home with someone else at the end of the day. That doesn't mean I'm fucking father material.

（ he drags a hand along his scalp, catching at the twists in his hair. ）

We tried to get clean, you know? When we found out. Dass did it. She just made up her mind and fuckin' stopped. I still don't think she's touched the shit, years later. But I couldn't do it. One more time. One more hit. I kept hiding it from her. Showed up at the hospital higher than I think I'd ever fucking been. Social services was already there because of her shitty family and the fact we were underage, and she had me escorted out by security. I don't even blame her, even though I think she's an asshole for a lot of other reasons.

（ she wanted to keep vel. fought for her. it would have reflected badly upon her if she'd made any other choice but that. ）