ARRIVAL LOG 009

[larkers]

WHO: Everyone
WHERE: New Tokyo
WHEN: October 10
WHAT: The ninth arrival
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Coercion and loss of autonomy. Further notes at end of log.

> ARRIVAL LOG #009

Awareness comes to you in blurred snatches, cloudy fragments of sound and light, color, sensation. Hazy and difficult to grasp on to, but slowly aligning into focus. A series of regular, rhythmic beeps. A sharp, cold breeze that blisters your cheeks as you walk through a thick, cold snow. That soon fades, replaced with warmth. A medicinal, astringent smell. The sensation of movement, a low hum and accompanying vibration under you. Your eyes are heavy, hard to keep open, but in the glimpses between slow, dark blinks you see four people in black body armor seated opposite you, as well as a man in dark gray scrubs.

You realize there are others next to you. All of you in heavy winter coats, water-resistant pants, and snow boots, hair recently cut but at various stages of growth and haphazardly tucked under warm winter hats. You're all restrained by straps across your chests, arms, feet, holding you to the bench under you. To your left, an armored interior door, two more people visible, though due to the storm there's hardly any visibility through the windshield. You try to open your mouth to speak, but it's as if your tongue is coated in tar, and you manage nothing more than an empty parting of lips.

The vehicle stops, landing gingerly in the snow. The guard opposite you stands and comes to unbuckle you from the bench, helping you to your feet. Your limbs feel wooden and heavy, slow to move. One guard opens the back of the vehicle, there's the sound of a high howling wind and that same blast of cold that signals at being somewhere else, combined with a sea of white as far as your eyes can see. The nurse moves to stand at the back, checking each passenger over one by one just before they're helped out of the vehicle, quick and methodical. He doesn't climb out after you, moving to sit as the last passenger is unloaded.

The guards keep their heads down. Their actions are quick, firm, but not entirely unkind. Once all the passengers are out, most of them climb back into the vehicle and close the doors. One stays behind, pointing you and whoever else is near you to one of the closest buildings. "In there," he orders, just before he interfaces with the doors and they slide open. "Stick around until your buddies come to find you. You'll know who they are."

Snow comes up to your knees on this city street, and you're left with no idea of where you are or why you've been brought here. But you'll feel compelled to move toward the building that the guard pointed at and step inside. In fact, you'll have no choice but to follow that order. Once you're in, he closes the doors behind you and hops back inside the vehicle. The engine powers up again, and then the large truck lifts up slowly and flies off.

Inside you'll find the lobby of what seems to be a corporate building. After taking note of the fact that there's a small group of other people dressed in similar clothes who are also confused about how they got to this place, you'll be able to warm up and try to figure out what's going on. For now, it's impossible to exit the building. The same door you came in won't open no matter what you try, so you're all stuck for now.

But don't worry, help is on the way.

◉ Though entirely capable of independent action and thought, new characters will find themselves completely, unquestioningly compliant to any verbal statement which could be taken as a command or request.

> WATANABE CORPORATE BUILDING

The message from El comes the same as usual: insistent, not waiting for any active attempt to open it. Scrolling within your vision as if being written while you're reading it.

I know you all were wondering what would happen if we had a batch of new arrivals while you're all out on your little field trip, but it turns out that they've all landed in New Tokyo too. They're holed up in the lobby of a corporate building, so make your way over and escort them to the PRESERVE dorms. Try for a warm welcome, okay?

At the lobby where the new arrivals have been dumped, they'll find that there's a check-in desk which is currently unmanned, and on the wall behind it there's a logo mounted which reads "Watanabe Corporation." There's no one to be found here and no one to greet them. The good news is that the building is heated, meaning that those heavy coats can probably come off for now. Further in on the ground floor, there's a set of six elevators that presumably lead up to the many floors of the skyscraper, but they're non-functional, and there don't seem to be any accessible stairs either.

For now, all the newcomers can do is make use of the comfortable chairs in the lobby and commiserate among themselves about what's going on. There's a water cooler and some cups to make use of as well, all of it made of biodegradable material, but there's only so much. Try to share.

The Displaced who received a message from El will have also received a GPS pin showing the location of the new arrivals. At this point, the promised supplies (which includes clothing appropriate for the harsh weather, along with additional foodstuffs to stock the dormitory kitchen) have come in compliments of PRESERVE. Everyone will be allowed to leave the dorms where they've been cooped up for the last two days to explore the city or go help out the newcomers.

Getting around a city covered in snow is a little more of a challenge. Going by foot is an option, although most of the streets haven't been shoveled yet and it will be slow-going. It's more feasible to make use of a hover bike. There's a garage connected to the dormitory that's stocked with twenty-some bikes. While they don't function perfectly well over snow and reckless driving with such poor visibility could easily lead to a cold and painful crash, it has to beat walking. If you don't how to drive, guess you'll have to find someone who does. (The bikes can seat two.)

> PRESERVE DORMS

With the help of the current Displaced, the new arrivals will be brought back to a dormitory building managed by PRESERVE. PRESERVE is a world-wide relief organization that focuses on environmental conservation and disaster relief. While a good number of Morningstar agents have joined up with PRESERVE thanks to their charitable activities and because they're UN sanctioned, it is not an organization that's affiliated with Morningstar. As a group, they are entirely pacifistic in their ideals – they believe the world can be saved through being conscientious.

The Displaced are here because they agreed to help PRESERVE with a very different disaster, but that's now a very severe and uncommon snowstorm. This is where they're all staying during the trip, so while this isn't anything close to home, it will have to do for now. A representative from PRESERVE by the name of Nico has been hanging around the dorms, ready to answer any questions from any of the Displaced, new or old. Nico is also a member of Morningstar, as well, though she'll be very hush hush about this fact when around her fellow PRESERVE members.

Newbies will be allowed to pick out additional clothes and gear from a cache of supplies (there's coats, thermal underwear, boots, scarves, hats, gloves, and anything else that would be needed to survive the intense cold), and they'll also need to figure out which of the rooms has an opening where they can sleep. It's four people to a room, with the use of two sets of bunk beds, and space was already limited before the newcomers got added to the mix. Hopefully peace can be maintained and there won't be too much fighting over who gets top bunk.

Other than the rooms, the dorm building has a kitchen, a large common area with comfortable couches and chairs, communal bathrooms, and a small, modestly stocked infirmary. There's also a viewing room which is a large space furnished with bean bag chairs and other comfortable things to lounge on, and a large blank wall that's meant to be used for group viewings of movies, shows, etc. This requires one character to "throw out" their feed from their neural implant onto the wall, and anyone who wanted to watch with them would need to sync up with their ID to watch along. Anyone not synced would just see a blank wall – and unfortunately, that does include anyone new.

There are other PRESERVE volunteers staying in this dormitory and milling about. Many of them already had supplies, so they've been in and out since the Displaced arrived.

◉ The drugs making new characters compliant will remain in their systems for a few hours after their arrival at the dorms before finally beginning to fade. They will be gone entirely after a night's rest. In the meantime, they may want to be careful of what others say to them.

◉ New characters will be given rudimentary access to the network on arrival to the dorms, but will not have their ID set up yet. They will be able to make posts and replies, but their messages will be anonymous and they do not have inboxes yet.

◉ Normally, new characters are confined to a safehouse for 4 days before they can leave and explore the city. Given that these newbies have arrived under unorthodox circumstances, that won't be the case for them. They'll be able to come and go from the dorms, but given that it's a frozen tundra outside, they'll at least want to prep first. At some point during this adjustment period, you can assume that El will contact them and work on setting up their IDs. There is no law enforcement around in these conditions, so anyone wanting to head out can.

◉ New characters won't be able to abscond to somewhere else in the world, as a lack of ID means no tickets or travel papers.

◉ While most businesses in New Tokyo are shuttered, a few convenience shops remain open near PRESERVE's dormitories because they know they can make money off volunteers. New characters won't have any means of paying, as they don't have a registered ID. They'll have to see if a kind soul will spot them the credits if they want something.

> RELIEF EFFORTS

With the new arrivals successfully recovered and supplies delivered to keep everyone warm in the harsh conditions, it's time to set out and fulfill the reason for everyone being here: to offer support and relief to the population affected by the harrowing storm. Nico will provide the Displaced with the information they need to get their boots on the ground and make a difference. There are a number of ways that she'll suggest to help out.

◉ First, she'll deliver a word of caution. While New Tokyo is a large, entirely steel city that runs deep underwater, most of its citizens have evacuated to the upper levels and are huddling down in various locations hoping for some relief. Heading deeper in the large city structure could prove dangerous. In this emergency, heating is centralized on the upper levels of the entire man-made metal city structure, while the lower levels are frigid and dangerous at this time. The only heating revolves around the trains coming and going, and their schedules have been largely delayed thanks to the storm.

◉ Delivering food, clothing, and medical supplies. With power cut off from most homes and all of the citizens having been cautioned to stay indoors and conserve warmth, there are a lot of people running low on food stores. Those who live in impoverished areas are even worse off, with little insulation in their homes. The threat of some people freezing to death is real, so getting the needed supplies to those people could allow them to hold out until power is restored or the storm has passed. Nico encourages people to travel to these neighborhoods in pairs for safety reasons, and again, the hover bikes will come in handy here. Supplies can be carried in heavy-duty backpacks or in a side-car attached to the bike, and all of this is provided by PRESERVE.

◉ Shoveling snow. For those of the Displaced who aren't opposed to grueling manual labor, one of the largest concerns is getting the major streets cleared of snow so that transportation is easier. The train lines also need to be cleared off so public transit can eventually be reinstated, so assuming they're not afraid of heights, the Displaced will get access onto the train tracks that crisscross above the city to clear the snow off. Some homes are also completely snowed in, trapping the residents inside, so those will also need to be cleared. There's no shortage of work to be done. PRESERVE will provide the snow shovels, and they have access to a single snow plow that can be used in shifts by anyone who's got a driver's license (also found in the garage). Nico will also hand out hot packs. Everyone should be bundling up, but in the event that someone takes a fall or ends up with too much snow-to-skin contact, the hot packs will help stave off the cold and prevent frostbite.

◉ Missing persons. There have been multiple reports of missing persons sent into PRESERVE, and the Displaced will be assigned particular people to go look for, if they let Nico know they're interested in this task. She'll give them the description of the missing person and their last known location. This could be anywhere within the city of New Tokyo -- a shopping district, a residential area, a park, etc. If they manage to find the missing person, they'll be instructed to take them to the closest PRESERVE relief center so they can receive medical attention and be reunited with their families.

◉ Restoring power. Turbines are jammed due to ice build-up past any conceivable norm, and need to be carefully thawed and given a jump from a backup battery pack. This is a highly dangerous, but necessary endeavor. The turbines are located offshore due to the fact that New Tokyo primarily generates energy through tidal power. When working correctly, these offshore turbines then feed energy into local sources within the city. For those who have any sort of experience with electrical work, they'll be directed toward areas in the city where covered electrical boards interconnected with the city's branched power source have been buried. They'll need to be cleared of snow, checked, reconnected, and made ready for when the turbines begin to flow again.

While the new arrivals are welcome to help out with these relief efforts if they wish, it certainly won't be expected, given that they're still getting adjusted to everything that's going on. They're allowed to stay in the warm confines of the dormitory building until everyone returns to New Amsterdam, if that's what they would prefer. As for the rest of the Displaced, there will be some expectation that they're going to contribute. That's the whole reason they came all this way, isn't it? And it's not like Nico knows that some of them didn't actually sign up for this.

> FINAL OOC NOTES

Welcome to Meadowlark, newbies! You're now free to post to the network and logs comms. To reiterate, your characters will have no IDs or inboxes until October 14th (OOCly, April 25th). All posts they make on the network until that point will be anonymous. During this time it's expected they'll have gotten a good idea of their new situation from their fellow characters, and will have discussed their background and job potentials with El in order for their false IDs to be set up.

If you have any questions or ideas about how you'd like to get your character involved in the world, please head over to the plot engagement post and drop us a comment! For questions specific to this log, there is a thread below.

Please check out our April/May calendar rundown for a look at things happening this month, as well as some additional notes from the mods.

As a reminder, AC for new characters accepted in April will be 10 comments across 2-4 threads, while current characters will need to provide the full AC of 20 comments across 2-4 threads. AC will be posted on May 1 and close on May 8 at midnight UTC. If you do not reply to AC, you will be considered idled and dropped from the game. We will not post a warning list.

> NAVIGATION

Comments

[evite]

I can't have the bottom.

[ it comes out a little rushed, almost embarrassed. she hadn't thought ahead when she'd offered, had only just tried to make things marginally better for a new face that probably needed the comfort more than she did — and, at the time, she hadn't been quite so mad.

now, though, she had a feeling illya was probably far too irritated with her (for throwing a fit, for being reckless, for any number of deserved reasons) to let her share a bunk. ]

It's fine. I'll stay out here. Or I'll find another room, I'm sure there's a bunk somewhere I can crash in.

[kgbs]

[ he wants to know why she can't have the bottom bunk in their assigned room but decides that doesn't much matter when she starts making suggestions on where she is going to sleep. and every single suggestion was somewhere far away from him.

he frowns, half marveling at how quickly this had gotten off track. but he knows one thing: she is not going to be the one to sleep elsewhere if that is what it comes to. ]

Every suggestion is one away from me. If that is what you require, then I will be the one to sleep elsewhere. You can take the top bunk. That's settled.

[ it was, daisy, don't even try. ]

[evite]

That's not — [ it's not what she requires, and honestly, she kind of resents the fact that he's assuming as much. she was trying to be polite and not invite herself somewhere she wasn't wanted! ] I wasn't naming suggestions to get away from you.

[ this time, she really does huff, an agitated sound low in her throat as she wriggles under the blankets ]

I just figured you were too annoyed at me to want to share a twin bunk. I don't want to kick you out and I don't "require" [ yes, she's pointedly mocking his choice of words here ] being away from you. Don't say that.

[kgbs]

Stop mocking me.

[ that, above anything else, sets him just the slightest bit on edge. he'd been fairly calm up until now but to hear someone he loves mocking a choice of word, poor or not, just increases his irritation. ]

I do not mock you, don't mock me. [ please and thank you. ] To answer your question, I don't care how annoyed I am with you, I don't want you to sleep elsewhere. That's only going to make it worse.

[evite]

[ she makes a face, but daisy doesn't push it. it's not quite an apology... it's also not doing it again, so that's something in her credit. instead, she just sighs, arms tugging out of the cocoon of blanket and coat to rest atop the pile, hands loosely wrung together around her knees.

they're no longer stiff and uncomfortable. the color's come back, for the most part. she can bend and flex them without considerable pain. all in all, a fairly solid recovery. ]

You haven't wanted to talk to me all day, but me sleeping on a couch is somehow going to make it worse?

[ disbelief is not the same thing. she's clarifying. not mocking him. ]

[kgbs]

Do you think it's very bad right now?

[ a genuine question. they've had arguments before but she's never made an offer such at this either. they've found their way back to common ground but he doesn't know what to make of her thinking a couch won't change anything. ]

But yes, I do think it would make things worse and I do not want that to happen. I didn't talk to you today because I was with someone who would not stop talking, Daisy.

[ literally, they would not stop talking. ]

[evite]

What do I think? [ maybe half a second's pause, her tongue darting out to swipe at her lower lip ] I think you were unreasonable and hard-headed — as per usual — and you stopped talking to me because you didn't want to admit you were wrong.

[ which isn't exactly the kind and caring answer a girl might give to convince her boyfriend to let her bunk with him... but she's also never been the kind of person to tell him what he wants to hear. she thinks he was wrong, that he was over-protective and out of line, that he intentionally ignored her to hurt her feelings, and he succeeded. her feelings are hurt, she's annoyed, he's mad, and now he's surprised she doesn't think he wants to bunk up with her. ]

[kgbs]

As per usual.

[ he repeats those words quietly, letting them sink in before pushing them down and away. ]

If our positions were reversed, what would you do? If I I had died in that dream, would you have wanted to let me go without keeping your eyes on me? If I had taken that bullet instead of my father and you saw that happen, you had to watch me die in the snow, feel my skin go cold, watch the pain work its way through me, and you had to close my eyes wouldn't you feel the same way?

[ he uses the details because while she had been in his dream, she hadn't been him. he'd been her, living her memories and experiencing her trauma. ]

I didn't stop talking to you because I didn't want to admit I was wrong. I do not think I was wrong. I told you why I stopped talking to you. Do you not believe me?

[evite]

Stop it.

[ she knows what he's doing. she knows he's worried about her, that he's still trying to make sense of the memories he's lived through, that while those memories are long gone and buried for her they're new and fresh and painful for him. she knows, and she wishes he hadn't lived them — not because she doesn't want to share those things with him, but because it's not fair for him to know things she doesn't even know he knows. ]

I don't need you to try and keep me out of harm's way, Illya, just because you're worried about me. I don't want a babysitter or a bodyguard, okay, I don't need that. You can't force me to sit back while everyone else is being useful, you can't try to make me stay by your side so you can watch over me all the time. I'm not a little kid and I'm not your property.

[ she's a grown ass adult woman and a fucking superhero, she can handle a search-and-rescue mission. ]

And until you can stop giving me the silent treatment for doing what I need to do, then you are wrong.

[kgbs]

Answer my question, Daisy. If you'd watched that happen to me, what would you have done when you'd seen me again? I want to know.

[ because she hadn't and he thinks that's telling. she'd just launched right into a diatribe against him and everything about him. ]

If it had been me, what would you have done?

[evite]

I don't know, okay! Is that what you want to hear?

[ god, he's insufferable. ]

I don't know what I would have done if I had seen you die in my dreams, and I don't want to find out. But I've seen you do things that I think are going to kill you in real life, okay, and I don't tell you not to —

[ she stops, suddenly, and shakes her head. it's a pointless argument. she's not going to convince him all of a sudden to stop being worried about her. he's been worried about her since long before the dreams, and that's not going to stop any time soon. ]

Look. I get it. You're freaked out about what you saw with Jiaying, you were freaked out when I was in the hospital, I get it. I do. [ that's not a lie. it's not mocking. it's sincere. frustrated, exasperated, but entirely sincere. ] But you can't keep me on a leash like this and get mad at me for wanting to help out. You can't.

[kgbs]

Well, I had to find out! [ and feeling it happen was so much different than it almost happening. he glares at her, breathing hard. raising his voice isn't something he often does but the words explode out of him in a rush of anger and emotion. he shakes his head and forces the feelings down. ]

I'd just said I love you for maybe the first time ever to someone and that is what happens nearly immediately after. I feel you die. I feel like I'm losing someone else. You're turning this into something simple when it's not but...

[ he shakes his head hurriedly. ] I don't want to talk about it anymore. If you want me to be wrong, I'm wrong. I don't want to think about this for a moment longer.

[evite]

I don't want you to be wrong!

[ now they're both raising their voices, agitated and stressed and still tired from oversleeping and exhausted from the emotional weight of their dreams. they haven't had a chance to rest or relax since waking up on the train, not the way they might in their own spaces where privacy was a given — and while they'd had their own bunks over the last few nights, it hasn't been the same. a twin bed isn't much room, and the ambient noise of so many people in such a small space has meant daisy's own sleep has been frayed, constantly jerked away by people slamming doors or drawers or boxes into the ground.

she's gotten comfortable in the last few months, and this place is anything but. so she's tired. her politeness is a rope frayed at the edge, her self-control whittled to nothing; even under the coat and blanket, she vibrates with irritation and defensive energy. ]

I want you to respect me! Why does it have to be about who's right, why can't you just listen to me when I say I can handle it!

[ because, daisy, he can't handle it. duh. ]

[kgbs]

[ the first few moments after she bites off her response, he says nothing. he's too angry, too close to just completely closing in on himself and walking away. that would just make things worse, he knows, but it's so hard not to turn on his heel and walk away. he's never been good at dealing with emotions like this because his experience is almost nil.

he'd had to compartmentalize everything when his parents had virtually abandoned him and he'd been leaning on that coping mechanism his entire life. he'd tried to continue it on with her but she'd made it clear that she didn't want him to do that, that it only did more damage.

but it was just so easy and so safe. ]

I have always respected you. From that very first day we met, when you found me in the safehouse to our first date to watching you risk your life for strangers to you taking over my apartment to the train and throughout those dreams. I respected you. I admired you. Do you think I don't know how important you are to this city? Do you? I do.

[ he doesn't much get involved in the deep inner workings of morningstar but he knows she does and he knows that he's not the only one that depends on her, leans on her, needs her. ]

I'm sorry that I don't want to lose you. It's not a matter of not respecting you, though. It is not and if you do not believe me when I say those words, then I'm sorry. But it is the truth. I want you to stay alive but not for me. For everyone else. I'm not important.

[ that was a feeling that wouldn't go away easily, unfortunately. ] I did what I did not because I wanted to baby you. It was not that. I — [ he trails off and shakes his head. ]

I respect you. I've never stopped.

[evite]

[ between his explosion and her raised voice and now his continued reply, it's unsurprising that, by now, their conversation has caught the eyes (and ears) of someone else. it's not anyone she knows — she assumes it must be someone from preserve itself, someone whose name she doesn't care to learn and wouldn't remember if she had, but it doesn't matter.

what matters is that they're not alone, and she'd forgotten that in her emotional post-cold state, and she doesn't want to keep this conversation going where other people can overhear it. it's not anybody else's business. so while she's technically pretty warm and cozy under the blanket, that doesn't matter; she pushes the blanket and his coat off her lap and pulls herself to her feet, crossing the room only long enough to grab him forcefully by her hand and drag him back outside, onto what was once a summer patio and was now a barren space coated in a thinner flush of snow than the streets beyond. it crunched under her boots, but it didn't swallow her whole.

she shoves the coat at him, and drapes the blanket a little more snugly around her shoulders. he's tall and wide enough that any wind is blocked by his back... which is her logical justification for standing within arms' reach this time. not that she wants him to pull her in or anything. just logical, practical reasons.

but once they're outside, and reasonably warm, and the door shuts snugly behind them, daisy huffs out a breath and tries (really tries) to answer. ]

You're not going to lose me. [ fierce, determined, but... softer now. tempered by her own guilt at making him feel those things. she won't outright say she was wrong, because she doesn't think she was, but that doesn't mean she wants him to suffer. ] You're important, though. To me. I wouldn't be able to do this if I —

[ now it's her turn to pause, to let her gaze drop down to her hands, voice unsteady, uncertain. ]

I want you to trust me that I can handle it. I need you to believe in me.

[kgbs]

[ were there no storage rooms that they could have gone into, daisy? they had to go outside? he doesn't mind the cold but he does mind that she's putting herself back out there so soon after coming in with hands that were stuff, cold and numb. as soon as she shoves the jacket into his arms, he shoves it back. he's wearing a sweater, he's fine. he knows how to handle temperatures like these.

soviet russia was good for something. ]

I believe in everything you do. [ literally. he worshipped the ground she walked on and couldn't think of his life without her in it anymore. maybe that was dangerous because he really hadn't know her that long but it didn't matter. he couldn't stop how those feelings had wrapped themselves around his heart and squeezed. ]

That doesn't mean I'm not going to worry because I am. [ he'd carried her broken body once. that had been enough for him. experiencing what he'd experienced in the dreams just made it worse. maybe that's just more evidence to support the idea that he is a weak man. maybe that's why his father had left and his mother had abandoned him. maybe they'd seen that in him. ]

You would be able to do this just fine without me. I haven't always be here and you were fine. I know you were. [ not that he's advocating leaving but if there was one person who would get through a loss, it would be her. illya knows how to survive but she knows how to survive and become better than before. ]

I had a selfish moment. [ and maybe he'd tried too hard. ] I will try not to let it happen again.

[ as much as he could, at least.

he shoves his hands into his pockets and blows out a breath, cold air making it easily viewable to them both. he peers over at her and then down at his feet, feeling hollowed out and bereft. ]

[evite]

That's not — that's not what I'm saying.

[ she's not trying to call him selfish, not trying to dismiss the way he feels or why he feels that way. she understands that much, if nothing else. she knows he's scared, she knows he's trying to protect her; his instincts are good and kind and loving, and she doesn't want him to dismiss them altogether. she just wants him to meet her in the middle, to trust her enough to care for herself and protect herself the way he wants to protect her himself. ]

I don't think you're being selfish. That's not what I was trying to say.

[ and she really doesn't want him to shut down after all this, not when they've fought so hard to push past that before coming to new tokyo in the first place. not when they've finally seemed to settle into a good place, one where they understand each other and can talk about these things without it devolving into the kind of knock-out fight that leaves them both miserable and angry and unsettled. ]

Please. [ this time, she doesn't give him a choice with the coat. she shoves it back in his arms and stays there, arms folding in between them to press against his chest. ] I'm sorry, okay, just — put the stupid jacket on, okay? And then you can tell me I'm dumb and reckless, if you want, but just put it on.

[kgbs]

No, you said I am always unreasonable. That's what being selfish is. [ the words had stung but his tone isn't heated or snappy. it's factual. that is what she'd said and that is what he is even if it was the last thing he means to be.

is there really anymore to say on the matter? he has poured a lot of himself into this conversation to tell her what he thinks of her, how he feels about her, the depth of the emotions that he hadn't even realized he'd had until her. ]

I am not going to call you that. [ she hadn't done anything dumb and reckless, really. this wasn't sacrificing herself to a pack of soldiers. it was staying out in the cold too long and so he shakes his head when she steps closer and tries to make him put the jacket on. ]

I'm fine. I do not need the jacket. [ russian winters had prepared him for this. he'd spent time outside in thinner material before. ] I'm fine. I understand what you're saying.

[ he thought he did, at least. ]

[evite]

[ he says it so finally — i understand, as if it's the end of a conversation, as if he's not interested in discussing it further — and daisy just sighs, a defeated exhale slipping past her lips as she steps back, hands lifting to wrap her arms more snugly around herself. ]

You really don't understand at all.

[ since he'd opted not to wear the coat, and she'd opted to step away without holding onto it, the fabric has fallen to the floor, pathetically splayed out against the stark white of the snow. she eyes it for a moment, but doesn't move to pick it up. ]

I don't think you're selfish. I think you're stubborn, and that talking to you is sometimes like arguing with a brick wall, but I don't think you're selfish.

[kgbs]

[ even illya's aware that this conversation is starting to slip away and he's not sure what to do. he's tempted to let it, to stop talking and shut her out and maybe try to figure this out later when they've both gotten better sleep than they've received lately.

but it is dangerous to do that. if he shuts her out now, she might not want to be let back in and then he would be...devastated. and back to square one when it came to socialization and how he dealt with people. ]

I am trying to understand, then. [ what he doesn't understand is why she's taking so much offense to the word selfish. it wasn't completely wrong. he'd been selfish in trying to do too much to keep her safe. it had been selfish because it had been for his benefit, his emotional well being. ]

One thing I do want to say is that I did not stop talking to you intentionally in an attempt to hurt your feelings. I wouldn't do that. I had someone with me and he required all of my attention because he would not stop talking. If you don't believe me, then you can ask Cassian because I ran into him while I was out there. I helped him dig out a woman trapped in a building. But if you don't believe me, then we might have a bigger issue.

[ so, he's fighting the urge to lock himself down. he's fighting it hard. ]

All I want is for you to be safe. I realize that perhaps it was too far today but I cannot apologize for it. I will do my best not to...continue that sort of selfish behavior. Everything is just very fresh and I haven't had time to sort through it.

[evite]

I do believe you.

[ that, at least, comes easily enough. she doesn't have any reason not to believe he's telling her the truth. she might have made assumptions while she was upset and let herself believe that he was just ignoring her to be petty and spiteful, but she doesn't have any reason to believe he's lying now about it.

but the rest is harder. admitting she was wrong, admitting she dug her heels in and got upset and then made herself madder because she couldn't back down and he wouldn't, admitting that she let herself get hurt out of stubbornness and pride (again) — it's not easy. it's like pulling out her own teeth, and so for a long while, daisy doesn't say anything at all.

she just stands there, hands wringing together under the blanket, her gaze darting between his and the floor and back again every few moments, uncertain and uncomfortable and practically drowning in it. ]

Illya...

[ she tries. she runs out of steam after the second syllable, mouth parted for half a second before it snaps just again with a sigh. it takes another pause before she manages to figure out what to say. ]

I'm sorry.

[ that's really all she has. anything else pushes something that feels dangerously like a cry into her throat, and she refuses to do it. she's not going to. she's not. ]

[kgbs]

[ she apologizes and he shakes his head. it's not necessary. he doesn't even know why she is apologizing at this point. so much has been said and thought that he's lost track of what he'd said that she could be apologizing to but whatever it is, he waves it off. ]

It's fine.

[ things still feel vaguely unsettled though and he's not sure why. they're not sniping at each other, they're not yelling, he hasn't walked away and she's still there so no one's shut the other out but it still feels off balance and he's not sure what else to say. ]

We should go back inside. It is getting late and rest would probably be beneficial. [ for...something. not that he thinks he is going to sleep very well all things considered but maybe he'd get lucky. maybe exhaustion would help him fall asleep eventually.

he doesn't know what else to do but suggest that. he has no more words than have already been spoken. hes said everything he can think of. ]

[evite]

[ nothing is fine. there's a coat on the ground and she's wrapped up in a blanket and they're in a city crushed by a blizzard playing at being the red cross days earlier than she remembers falling asleep. nothing about this entire mess is fine.

it just feels hopeless. she'd been angry, she'd been sad, and now? if an apology wasn't good enough, she doesn't have any idea what will be, and the weight of that hopelessness just buries her. it settles on her shoulders, pushing her down, her body slumping as she exhales. ]

I'm not tired.

[ her voice wobbles, but she tries to sound casual. maybe she can find a bunk wherever jyn and cassian were sleeping. maybe she could still find space on a couch. but honestly, she's just not tired. she's frustrated and upset and wanting things to be better, but he's already checked out and she's too exhausted to keep fighting.

she doesn't even know what they're fighting about anymore. ]

I gave the new guy's friend my bunk, anyway. [ she realizes she never told him why she can't sleep in her bed. so now she has. ] So it's fine. I'll sleep later.

[kgbs]

[ it's on the tip of his tongue to tell her she is tired but he remembers how she'd reacted to being told she was cold (even if she had been) even if he's pretty certain she is tired. perhaps not tired enough to sleep but laying down and getting off her feet would not be a bad thing. ]

Fine. If you are not tired, you can come keep me warm.

[ he wasn't trying to kick her out of their bed or the room or anything like that. he wasn't intending to check out, as it was. he might not know what else to say but that doesn't mean he wants her to leave. it's the last thing he wants. ]

I'm sore. Digging a woman out of a building is not easy work.

[ not a lie. thank goodness cassian had been around to help. he trails off, looking into the distance, eyes narrowed against the cold and the snow flecking into his hair and clinging to his face. his voice, when it comes next, is quieter. ]

And I don't want to be alone. [ the big one. it doesn't matter that they're in a room full of other people, he'd still feel alone especially after those dreams, after what he'd seen and felt, he'd rather not sleep alone and sink into those again, unable to pull himself out. ]

[evite]

[ at first, she bristles. she's not a hot water bottle or an electric blanket to be tugged out and dragged around to suit his temperature needs. he doesn't get to override her decisions just because he's cold. she's in the process of opening her mouth to retort and say as much when he continues.

and, you know, he might be sore, but that's not really good enough. she's not going to give him a backrub in the top bunk on a twin bed, and her laying there with him isn't going to make that any better. she's glad he was useful, sure, but it's not a good enough reason either.

so she nearly tells him — and then, out of nowhere, that quiet voice comes in, and it's like a punch to her stomach, unexpected and unprepared for. i don't want to be alone, soft and quiet and unrepentantly sincere, and daisy swallows hard. that, of all things, she can't ignore. ]

You're not. [ it's the catalyst she needs to bridge the space between them, stopping only long enough to yank his coat up from the ground; without asking permission, she finds that familiar space against him, blanket draping down as her hands unfurl to loop one arm around his waist. her chin presses into his chest as her face tips up to his. ] I'm not leaving you, okay. I meant it.