*seductively crawls out of hell* (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
laozu) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
meadowlarklogs2019-04-21 07:05 pm
laozu) wrote in meadowlarklogs2019-04-21 07:05 pm
CLOSED.
WHO: Ancient China Wuxia Crew ( Wei Wuxian laozu, Lan Wangji wangxian & Jiang Cheng sandu )
WHERE: Various locations.
WHEN: Various times.
WHAT: A catch-all log for literally everything so we don't spam.
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Sexual content, discussions of suicide/suicidal ideation, physical violence, difficulties in communication, etc.
laozu, Lan Wangji wangxian & Jiang Cheng sandu )WHERE: Various locations.
WHEN: Various times.
WHAT: A catch-all log for literally everything so we don't spam.
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Sexual content, discussions of suicide/suicidal ideation, physical violence, difficulties in communication, etc.
no subject
he stands again, wiping at the spotting of blood on his nose - the sudden, violent migraine and illness that overcomes him a problem for later, the result of his trying to reach for his core. for the dark energy that he feels slipping through his spirit like worms, like maggots, like a beautiful and elusive song that has bonded to him and yearns to be sung once more. when he turns, it is to the sound of scuffling feet, of bodies sliding past one another ( lan zhan stands between the two of them, and two parts of him want to push past him towards jiang cheng at the same time he wants to push his face between lan zhan's shoulderblades and hide ). unsteady, he goes back to them. he moves in their direction.
drawn to them as they are to him. ]
I'm not sorry for it, it's who I am. If I wasn't this way, my surname wouldn't be 'Wei'.
[ he leads with it, reaching up to press on lan wangji's wrist, to urge him to calm. it's so much, to see him stand between them. ]
But I was always, always at your side. I won't tell you, what I did for you - you won't see it if you don't look, you won't believe me if I say.
[ softly, softly, he draws lan wangji's arms back. he positions himself in front of it, small and too-skinny for his body's age. hungry, lean. mo xuanyu had not lead a full life, especially towards the end. he uses his position to press a reassuring palm to lan wangji's, to pass okay it's okay, don't be mad to him in waves of half-incredulous shock. ]
no subject
it is a better fate for him, he thinks, the selfsame part of him that tells him rest, the part that tells him to lay his head down, to turn away, to swallow the words and the poison back before it could hurt. it is a better fate than some, to place his life upon such hands as that of lan wangji. it is better than what he himself could offer up and indeed had. and what had come of it? ghosts and scars and soul scattered as if fallen autumn leaves upon a wind. an end met in the mountains which had before swallowed him whole. an end with no one to mourn and no one to remember.
rest, it tells him. some tired part whispers it is enough, you have done enough, but his ( brittle, unforgiving, bleeding ) heart would not quiet. the golden core within him that burns as wei wuxian had once burned with all the warmth of the sun, it would not let him. jiang cheng can only split and crack like wet wood thrown in fire, can only shiver through the serrated edges of all the hairline fractures of his being. ]
You're right, it wouldn't be Wei. [ it burns out of him, the poison like thick plume of smoke, dark and smokey and angry. ] You would have done better in my place, in Yunmeng Jiang. My father thought so. Everyone thought so. And you think that as well, don't you? You have always been better.
[ he cannot stop - he cannot rest, and jiang cheng advances upon them with every word, every step a thunderous crack upon the pavement.
you won't see it if you don't look, you won't believe me if I say. he does not see it, he has eyes and ears but they are as if blinded and muted as he had been in his trust in wei wuxian - when he had slipped that blindfold over his eyes, when he had told him to - go, to never speak, to never look. when wei wuxian had told him to believe. now, he believes as he has not done before, the stilted admission, the touch of his hand fitting into the curve of his jaw, the heat of the fire all linger still but it brings him no comfort. ]
Well, why don't you, then? Just fucking say it! Say how much I am in your debt, that I cannot have achieved anything without your help....
[ his voice cracks, the fractured splinters lodged in his voice, in his eyes, under his skin. it hurts. he wants it to hurt. ]
Tell me how much you have done for me. See if I fucking believe you.
[ another step closer, close enough to see the pale of lan wangji's eyes, to see the cut-ice expression on his face.
it is so much to see him between them.
it is so much, and jiang cheng feels some fresh new surge of anger burst forth from within like old wounds ripping open anew - a savage and ferocious one, all gnashing teeth and claws. lan wangji stands there as if he had always been there, as if he would always be there between them; it is as if he comes to reclaim the place between ( beside ) wei wuxian and the insurmountable distance between them has never let itself known to jiang cheng as this very moment now.
that space, the widening gap when there previously had been none - and there had been hardly room between them, nor had he wanted there to be - he had been so very content to be and breathe in the all encompassing presence of him. he had been the sun and the rain to him, the laugh and the warmth and the reassurance of a hand always being there for reaching out. they had been less two halves of a whole than one being split in half, one breath and one heart shared between them, but
no more.
now lan wangji stands there, a figure dressed in mourning, in ashes, in the light of frosted moon as it awaits the rising of the sun in some far off dawn, and jiang cheng as a caged animal would dash himself to piece by bloody piece against that immovable wall until it breaks or he would.
he slows - stays his steps as if he could somehow stay the furious seething in his heart, but it is more like the coiling of a snake as it readies for a strike - do not, it says, with the way he inhales sharply, rearing back, eyes narrowed and incandescent, the way his whole being seems to snap and fizz with bitter acrid acidity. do not be here. do not interfere.
what does he care about him? why should he?
it is petty, it is an action that perhaps, later, he would come to regret - but he has plenty of those enough in his life already, one more would not hurt.
there cannot be any excuse in the way he swings out with a fist; he hurts, he shatters by lashing out, he does the one thing that wei wuxian has requested of him otherwise ( he could laugh, really, he could; it is as if some kind of crazed madness descends upon him ). ]
no subject
don't be mad. don't be mad. don't use words rashly. don't use words in excess. don't splinter them, hone them. do not nock them, an archer's bow and arrow. do not loose them, for harm is needless. to harm is to be cruel. to act on impulse, as he acts on impulse, is to bring all that is he lacks into being. and yet, wei ying is at his side. wei ying, in all his quiet disbelief, presses near to him. his palm, his fingers— the soft wash of blues that subsume him, lan wangji. what is this bond too, if not something lan wangji gives to him? to wei ying, human in all things. as human as lan wangji himself is, as human as he dares. and yet, his arm is though as though a willow's bend. his fingers, a cascade as they acquiesce. they unfurl and then they curl, to the narrow width of mo xuanyu's ( now his ). he soothes as though wei ying soothes, the brunt of his agitation curbed to buffet the divisions between himself and jiang cheng. like a storm up on the mountains, like the snows moved to their peaks, he keeps wei wuxian sheltered in this space. ( and how many spaces now, does wei wuxian own? how many spaces now does wei wuxian not know? lan wangji's body, his heart, the soul. and still, lan wangji finds within himself more room. lan wangji finds within himself the sentiment, cut beneath concern for him, cut beneath the trust offers through to him.
i will not deny you, lan wangji had himself said. and here, no matter the fury and fire and the ire that climbs through all of him, he repeats it again. he repeats it again, soft and steady beneath the hail of dissonance. no matter whether it is deserved or not, whether it is something that can be forgiven or not— wei ying's wounds are wounds that he will carry too with him. lan wangji would ache, he thinks, in place of him.
i cannot deny you. it is a sincerity, an earnestness. it reaches, but does not cross. he will not make wei ying take what he does not want of him. we will not burn the foundations of wei ying's heart from root to stem. he will not cross across all that he has built within himself, wei wuxian, free to be as he so wants ( no matter his thoughts, no matter his wants, no matter ).
and yet, these are the parts of himself that wei ying cannot take within himself. these are the spaces that he will not burden him with. these ugly and envious things, the way they creep against lan wangji's thoughts. muted, in that way, to perhaps him as he remains resolved and righteous and stubbornly put. let it be, that jiang cheng throws himself against the solidity that lan wangji affords. let it be that he dashes himself and all of his hurt against what lan wangji serves as now ( all he serves as now ) to the one who had, at one time, gave realization to what could have been the other he once glanced across within the cloud recesses. in the shade of wei wuxian's, his wei ying's warm sun—
what does it matter, he would think if he were pettier. what does he matter to jiang cheng, he thinks now as their postures do not loosen, as wei ying's words do nothing to quiet the acidity of jiang cheng's bite. and yet, he will not tell wei ying not to try. lan wangji will not dissuade him, though jiang cheng tears through attempt upon attempt to speak through to him any way.
his hands, lan wangji knows, are not poised in surrender.
and no matter how cold lan wangji may make himself, he is rash. he is rash, as he is protective. he is protective, as he is a fool. a fool, to take what it is that comes his way. ( be kind, love all others. love and respect yourself. )
lan wangji does not fight with his hands. he does not touch the world that rests before him. his hands remain to his own. and yet, yunmeng is not as gusu. jiang cheng is not as he, who makes exception only for the only one has waited for all this time. where wei wuxian is warm in his tactility, jiang cheng denies. and here, it is true too.
lan wangji sees it, he knows what it is. and yet, he would not expect it. he would not expect one who claims no threads to care enough to bring the lash of bone and flesh upon himself, as much as lan wangji suffers it.
it is quick enough. wei ying, situated as he is front of him, is gestured back ( and what does it matter, that it was not meant for him? lan wangji knows enough that wei ying is likely to be targeted ). he does not budge ( he did not budge, even then, even beneath the whip— this pain is a pain that he endures as any other ), but he does turn. he turns with it, the grind of his teeth audible as he bites back the hitch of breath, the reflex of expression. and yet, the ring of impact is what has him first ( like this, they are both grown men— jiang cheng, as lan wangji, do not hold back ). it is that and the wild bloom of color, the ache of it all caught within the shock of it, his pale eyes—
it does not hurt, he tells himself. it will not hurt. he cannot let them know. he cannot let either know, as his vision smudges in a singular periphery, his posture still, but his eyes— what is held there is difficult to define, the way they burn with all that he holds steady, with all of his defiance, there is something too beneath.
there too is something underneath the way he keeps his footing, the way that even this will not make him tuck as though a dog its tail between its legs.
he won't.
he can't. ]
no subject
[ how dare jiang cheng say it. how dare he put into words the cloud that hung over the lotus pier, threatening the modest peace he had found among that family; the rumors, false and cruel, that he was the favored. that jiang fengmian, given the chance, would have readily elevated the orphaned son of the woman he was said to have loved over his own wife. the rumors that wei wuxian himself knew of, dreaded and turned his eyes and ears from because he would have never agreed to it, because all that they were - were cruel rumors, designed to tear the jiang family apart from the inside out. he has always known jiang cheng to be fragile of heart, to take things into himself so deeply that they fragment and wound him and those wounds festered, untreated and hidden. ]
What I did, was my own action! Stop taking the things I've done as the weight you think you have to balance yourself against, Jiang Cheng!
[ the words are a roar, furious and aching. i value you, he wants to say, more than life itself.
and then jiang cheng strikes and the words die in this throat. lan wangji interposes himself between them, as if on autopilot, as if yanked by fate itself into the line of fire. he sees the pass of the man's broad shoulders between he and his shidi, the blow blossoms across his face. ( not for me, he wants to yell, don't take this on my behalf. ) words don't come to him, his expression stricken and heartsick with all of it. jiang cheng hurts, because of him. lan wangji is hurt, because of him. it would have been better, he thinks - sudden, violent - if only he'd stayed dead and gone. the wounds would remain, he knows; but, at least they could have become scars.
the flat of his arm finds purchase against lan wangji's ribs, pressing him aside - FORCING him aside - as wei wuxian lunges into jiang cheng's face, fist cocked, expression strangled. he'd told him, he'd told him that if he was horrible to the man who continues to position himself between the harshness of the world and himself, to protect him, to stand by him -- he'd beat the shit out of even his own brother. so, he goes for jiang cheng's face as well, fast and smaller than he used to be, and somewhere between throwing his weight and his fist past lan wangji and connecting with jiang cheng, his hand has opened. it has seized his shirt collar, the other has seized his wrist --
and he twists, rocking at the hip to bring jiang cheng over his center of balance, over his shoulder. to flip him, rough and ungentlemanly, over wei wuxian's own body and onto the pavement below. it's about all he can do in the moment, pouring his weight down onto jiang cheng, there in the alley. it's not enough, he knows. they're both stronger than him; mo xuanyu was sickly, was too-thin and had lost muscle tone by the end of his life. wei wuxian is only now building it back, but he sits on jiang cheng's stomach and grabs for his wrists to pin him down, there on the ground. ]
-- I told you, [ he strangles on his words, ] that I'd beat the hell out of you.
no subject
he could shake him off so easily now - but it is not the weight of the body that stops him, it is the rage, it is the look in his eyes that strikes and pins him down more than anything ( furious and aching, the pain throbs rabbit-rapid against his ribs, the cage of his chest curls and shudder against the influx ). ]
What the fuck do you expect me to do?
[ jiang cheng laughs, because that is the only thing he knows how to do, right now, the knuckles of his hand smarting still, burning still, from the strike he has so boorishly left upon lan wangji.
he lets the laughter rip itself out of him - it claws its way out of his throat like some small, wounded thing, like a thing with too many teeth and tongue and venom, and some pale flickering fire burns in his eyes as he stares up at wei wuxian through blurry vision still smarting from the blow of his fist. he laughs with blood in his eyes and in his mouth, and the sound is harsh like nails on chalkboard, like sword striking stone, and one could almost see white hot sparks thrown from the point of contact where the sound cracks and breaks. ]
You have done - [ some part of him rebel against it, some part still aware of the third presence that had been pushed aside by wei wuxian in favour of such violent reaction - but what does it matter?
what of it? what does any of it matter, when it is jiang cheng himself who tears through what small measure of connection that still exist between them, closing his hands upon the delicate silk strings of some fate that had once bound them and breaks them as if they were nothing? ]
You have given me everything. [ a brother, a friend, beside him and before him, a hand to take in the dark, a voice when he had been blinded. ] How am I supposed to compete with that? How the fuck do you expect me to react, just say 'thank you' and move on?
[ breathing out, he hacks out the words like curses amidst some harsh, cracked laughter, the edges of his gaze raw and red - a broken, bleeding thing. lost. ]
no subject
wei wuxian is a limber thing. limber once, limber now. no matter the body which the soul now holds or the body that now holds him, wei wuxian has always been as such. he has always been able to occupy any and all of lan wangji, been able to mold him beneath the slightest pressure of his palm. and now, this too is true. this too is true, when taken by force. and that action, that sudden and frenetic burst of outrage, stings more than the punch that jiang cheng threw ever could and ever did. he thinks it to be true, no matter how his gaze skews and the struck eye waters, uncontrolled and uncontained.
why would such a reaction be for him, he would have thought. he would have thought, but lan wangji knows better. he knows better, because he knows too himself.
and yet, something ugly and dark and quiet in lan wangji burns. it sits against the edge of skin, works against the edge of bone. and it writhes. it sours. it catches acidic and raw in his mouth, breaks against his teeth. it tastes like metal, like blood, like corpse dirt. it tastes of all that lan wangji tamps down within himself, as though beneath the oxen and spade. it tastes of all the things he has buried so deep within the self that he has forgotten their shape.
and still, he recognizes them. and still, he yokes them. he digs his heels into any purchase that remains. he reminds himself—
how am i supposed to compete with that?
that name, that name he's turned over his tongue since he was young ( so young, when he first saw him ), catches on itself. the syllables knot up in his throat. they are swallowed alongside the acceptance of what he has cascaded. and yet, he had decided even back then that what is wei ying's to face would be his too face. if only he would let lan wangji, if only he allowed. and now, has he forgotten that too? those two days, those two long and tired days. those days, when all he heard— ]
Wei Ying.
[ it is a soft thing. a declaration, that asks to be. it is a statement, that this too was something he chose. this was an action he too elected. like wei wuxian had too decided, in smaller fragments. that movement, like all movements before, was a willingness. wei wuxian needn't do this in part for himself, for lan wangji, for the one who would give and never ask again for the "thank you"s that ended more as partings, as sharp and strange goodbyes.
and yet, it is a reassurance. this too is why he has come to love him. in part, this is what he has understood. just like him, lan wangji would not have been able to check his temper then, would he have?
of course not. of course not, just as back then. just as now, when he had situated himself between them. just as now, as he wishes only to shield wei wuxian from this too.
and yet, he knows he wouldn't. were he in wei wuxian's place, he knows he would not be able to come to his side. and still, he asks without asking. like before, like many times before. it is a request, if not for himself, but for wei wuxian. if not for himself, but so too jiang cheng.
it had already been enough. ]