meadowlarklogs | [open log] i don't care about the mess you made

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[open log] i don't care about the mess you made

WHO: Clarke Griffin, Riku, and Goro Akechi + anyone who wants to do some dreams or other stuff
WHERE: Dreams, New Amsterdam.
WHEN: Month of January IC!
WHAT: Dreams, memory shares, etc. General open log things.
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation for Akechi and Clarke (respectively).

[Riku, Clarke, and Akechi couldn't be more different on the surface—but when it comes to dreams, to the control of the mind and the actions they take, the similarities come together. Oddly enough, each of them has some experience over this space. Riku, through being a Dreameater. Clarke, through Josephine taking over her body and through having to fight back against the sociopathic scientist. And Akechi through the metaverse, having to traverse it alone. That's not to say that they have special powers here: but control is something that will come more easily, as will lucidity.

Of course, thematically they're different:]

riku: mistakes of the past, worries of the present

[These days, Riku is more or less at peace with himself. Once, his dreams were mercurial and lacked control. They showed his worry about strength. Power. And at times, Darkness—the Darkness that reigned over his life, that acted as a threat. These days, that Darkness is as much a part of him as anything: trapped in his heart, a constant in motion. A part of who he is.

But there are themes and motifs that reoccur. Friends fading away. The danger of thinking too much, even if the thoughts don't string together. A friend slipping, falling into a wave of Darkness. More recently: images of his home falling apart, of New Amsterdam falling to the same ruin, crashed into by a wave of dangerous Darkness.

And of friends dying. Of not being able to do enough. Of the struggle of having to accept that they will do as they do, even if he can't do nothing. His hands always tied, forced to be idle, passive. Accepting that, too.

There is always a push for logic against even the most irrational of thoughts. Always.]

clarke: guilt, the lives she's taken, a peaceful interlude

[Many of Clarke's dreams take place separate from what would be her mindscape. Her dreams are of green: sprawling trees with a beautiful, forested canopy. A bright sun overhead, though sometimes there are two. But in the horizon, there may or may not be ruin: ruins of a city that managed to come together in the aftermath of an apocalypse, or ruins of a world, covered in dirt and sand, and strange creatures that burrow into the ground and can dig into someone's skin. She doesn't dream of those creatures, not often.

When she can, Clarke dreams of what could be: a life in this area of rich, fertile environment. A time with her daughter, her mother, her friends. Bellamy is there when he can be, but during times of strife, it seems she has a hard time facing him. (This Bellamy is older, with facial hair and a calmer expression. Like he knows to keep what he can inside.)

When there are people present, there is always a pressure. Of being boxed in, of being the one to find the solutions. Clarke always feels as if her answers are the wrong answers, and they show here. But there is no resentment toward the many, many people in her life: angry, making demands. Just an acceptance. Clarke doesn't feel as if they're wrong to ask so much of her. Besides, she put herself in that position to ask to make those decisions.

After all, she is a mother. A leader. But also: a tumor. A cancer. These days, Clarke doesn't let those thoughts creep up, but in dreams, who can say?]

akechi: wasted potential, what could have been

[Akechi doesn't dream of exact moments or of exact places: he dreams of the settings he likes, with drawn out, complicated scenarios where he's called upon to solve a problem. Solve any problem. Because he is someone who came into his power at an age when he was already embittered by the world, embroiled in hatred for everything around him. His mother committed suicide when he was young, and he was forced to be passed from home to home, a blemish upon his family and upon the world. An illegitimate child and a problem. Rather than choosing to overcome these notions, Akechi internalized them, took them to heart.

His dreams reflect this: colored often in blacks and reds, with Akechi moving alone, carrying every purpose that he believes that only he can accomplish. His dreams are a sign of how he deluded himself: believing that his long term plans would become something at some point.

He is extremely intelligent, and his dreams show it: with him trying to make logic out of nothing, out of the world around him. He seems to be at odds with it, caught between a sense of justice (inherently emotional) and a world out of order, one that's inevitably going to be that way no matter what.

If Akechi's gambit had paid off—if he had been aware that he was a part of a game with a gambit in motion—his view of the world would've taken hold. It would've fallen into disarray, granting control to a single deity because people are inherently messed up. At the heart of his dreams, this is a singular, notable truth. It's just one that's at odds with what Akechi really wants: to be praised, loved, and seen as less than a blemish and more that someone who can accomplish things. He just hasn't admitted as much to himself.]

ooc notes

[The general overview here is to give people an idea of what my characters' dreams would contain. This is an open log, and you can request a starter hitting on one of the notes above! I'll also be posting closed requested starters below. I'm also open to memory sharing or characters just catching up, though the former may need to come along organically (as none of my three know it's on the table).

If you'd like to discuss further, hit me up on plurk @ medieval or on discord at alison#8996.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ the unnatural change in his appearance draws her up short. she cannot put to words why it unsettles her. there's no rational, objective reason that rey would have a point of reference for it. and yet something deep inside of her knows those eyes.

she thinks of maz. if you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. whose eyes were those? and who in rey was seeing them? ]

Your eyes. [ she looks unnerved -- but it's concern, not unease. she doesn't know what to make of it -- she's not ready to say more than that, to draw any conclusions. for once, rey holds off on judgment. ]

There's a guy in my world named Xehanort. He was a boy like me once, hoping to see the outside world. Once he could, he left his home behind. My home. [In this dream, Riku feels imbalanced, caught between who he is and who he could be. He knows that many of the Organization members who were forcibly subjected to Xehanort's plans were able to rebel. Perhaps that's what keeps him steady.]

A long time after that, he marked me as a vessel to carry out his plans. He made sure I gave in to the Darkness, made sure I destroyed the very home where we're sitting. If it wasn't for Sora, I'd look even more like him. [His hand reaches forward, like he's surprised he doesn't. He looks at his palm, fingers extended.]

Believe it or not, it doesn't trouble me the way that it should. But you can't control dreams. [Riku only sounds half convinced of this fact: that it doesn't trouble him. Clearly it does. He doesn't actively carry it, but ... here he is, and here she can see him.]

You were ... possessed?

[ the mystical nature of it makes it hard for rey to take it in fully, but she's following. but if that's the case, then it wasn't really riku giving into the Dark Side at all, was it? the choice was made for him.

she reaches out to where his hand is outstretched, clasping it with a reassuring squeeze. ]

It sounds like it'd be hard to forget, even after you've moved past it. He's gone now, right? Xehanort? [ it's worth asking. were he not dead, she has to guess that snoke would still occupy some corner of kylo's mind too. ]

He's finally gone. We got rid of him before we got here. [Riku doesn't clarify who he means by "we." The list is longer than Rey even knows. The seven lights, having faced the thirteen Darknesses. It was an evolving list.]

I wasn't just possessed. I ... welcomed it. I had power, but it wasn't enough. The Darkness granted me so much, but I wanted more. I needed more, and I took it when I had the chance. I was stupid. Xehanort knew how to mark me for so long because he hadn't been any different.

[His hand comes to his heart and his eyes close. He breathes out.]

Right now, I can feel that part of myself that could've been. I can't just forget. But I can't let it control me, either. I tried that once, tried acting like I had power over it, and it was the wrong idea. I was in denial.

[ that sounds familiar in some ways, if she's being honest. not just because of what she has seen become of kylo ren. rey thinks of her own darkness, of that voice that had whispered to her on starkiller base, of what she had seen under the island on ahch-to.

she's grateful, at that moment, that riku isn't looking at her. she's not sure what he'd see. ]

Balance, then. Being honest about who you are, and what you've done ... without hiding from it, or giving into it. [ that sounds terrible, honestly. rey hates being honest with herself about where she's been. what a nightmare. ] But you still carry it with you, despite that? Doesn't it ever go away?

No. [Riku wishes he had a better answer for her—but the lure of the Dark is part of who he is in every way. He knows that it could have ruled him at one time, and did. Even his denial, his belief of being stronger, was laden in the types of emotions and thoughts that fed into that Darkness.]

That's not a bad thing, though. There's no real danger of this. Not anymore. [He motions to his eyes.]

But the rest—that Darkness is my power now. Even though I used it as a part of how I fought to protect my friends, I still became a keyblade master. Wielding it the way I did made me one of a kind. [He shrugs, accepting that. His eyes don't turn any less yellow. That seems to be a figment of the dream.]

My head doesn't stop working the way it did. It's better most days, but ... you can't just reverse the way someone is. It's about realizing that. And accepting it.

How do you accept that as part of you, without giving into ... this? [ She gestures to her own eyes as if to indicate because it seems more polite than pointing and she's not entirely a gremlin anymore. But it's a valid question. Rey feels like she's walking that line right now, but she also knows that there's so much she doesn't know.

And she can't imagine how someone can stay the same person they were on the Dark Side, but not lose themselves to it entirely. ]

[Riku watches the motion, aware of what she's saying. For a moment, he thought she was talking about Kylo Ren. Riku knows the Darkness within him, and could sense it when he had all his powers back in the dreamscape before. It's a conversation that will need to be had. Someday. Now that he knows the link between them, he knows who Rey had been talking about.

But it seems that she's worried about herself. He wants to say that it's not possible. Rey is so much like Sora with that big heart and all her hope. Then again ... Sora's not a keyblade master because he can go too far and hope too hard and get hurt because of it. It's why Xehanort was nearly able to claim him as a vessel.]

Trust. Not just in others, but in yourself. Realizing that you have value to them and to yourself. Not ignoring your heart when it insists something is the right decision.

[He smiles, and finally, his eyes return to their teal-green color, the golden hue fading away.]

Knowing that even though your eyes may look that way, you don't have to hide them from your friends. And what it means when you think you do. Darkness isn't just a bad thing. You just can't let it decide who you are, and pushing it away ... well. That can mess you up, too.

You know, I crossed the galaxy to find somebody who could help me when I discovered my power.

[ her nose crinkles in amusement as she reflects on this. it's funny, in retrospect. and even though she appreciates luke, still looks up to him, understands him as a hero, she can't help but be honest. this, she won't suppress: ] I don't think he was half as wise as you are.

[ and riku's not as old as his gray hair makes him look. she offers him a lopsided, encouraging smile. ]

I'm trying. [Riku is still young. He's so young that he accepted where Sora was going, and now lives with the regret of the end result of that. He's so young that he hasn't embraced being a master here, though he's made friends and done what he could for others. Now he has to step up. He has no choice.]

I think it depends on how many times you mess up, and how you bounce back from that. And not giving up. Maybe he just didn't make as many mistakes as I did before it was too late to learn.

[Riku crammed a lot into just a few years, after all.]

I think you're probably right.

[ is admitting it an insult to luke's memory? she doesn't think so. it's only acknowledging the truth of what he'd told her on ahch-to, what he'd been working through. ]

His only mistake came from the fear of not living up to the hero everyone else saw him as. [ he had to be luke skywalker, jedi master, legend. that pressure was what had allowed the dark to creep in, to provoke him to attack his nephew in his sleep. even for a moment. and she thinks that's terrible. ]

The only one who thought I was a hero was me. [That's not necessarily true, but that's a simplistic read on it. Sora had pleaded with him early on. He wanted Riku to be there alongside him and Donald and Goofy. But Riku couldn't see it that way. He thought Sora had found new friends. Better friends.

That he could get on just fine without him.

The fact that he had the keyblade hadn't helped. All those years thinking Terra would come back ate him up, and the end result was that: a boy who thought he could do anything, go anywhere, manage anything. He thought he was the hero, but his thoughts wrote him out of his own story.]

Sometimes that's just as bad, though. Thinking you have it all figured out when you don't.

Back then, maybe. I'm sure it's different now.

[ and it sounds like he does have it all figured out. rey has a hard time not elevating her friends as heroic and flawless. they're good people, and she assumes the best of them, always. riku has earned that several times over, as far as she is concerned. ]

Yeah, I'm not doing so bad on that front now. It took me a while, but I think I'm okay.

[When it came to elevating himself in ways that were ill-advised, Riku wasn't very good at keeping it together.

He's trying to do better now.]

Just gotta look out for my friends. It's all I can do.

[ she nods, smiling. that's an easy thing to agree on. but it makes her regard him for a longer moment, thoughtful. she's usually not so calm at these moments -- these dreams, or visions. usually they're overwhelming when they happen. but ... ]

This is really you, isn't it? [ not some iteration of him that her mind fabricated. the details are too precise. ] Do you think we're back in that place?

[ the dream world. and if they were, how long would it be before they were out? ]

A similar version, but not the same. I don't have the power over dreams that I should have normally, but ... I can apply the logic. Does that make sense?

[Riku can't shape a dream or dive deeper. He can tell that from right where he's standing. Er, sitting. But the power being gone doesn't mean that he can't recognize a dream for what it is.]

So—yeah. It's definitely me.

Yeah. I can't feel the Force, either.

[ which is troubling. it means there's that much they still don't understand about the nature of the dreams they're apparently sharing in a consistent capacity -- it's not just an anomaly of the storm or the monster arrival. ]

There may be a reason for why things are different. Maybe Zerzura messed with it in some way. Did you get a chance to try out your powers there?

[Riku hasn't broached the whole scenario in which he saved Kylo from his fantasy. It's a heavy topic, one that's difficult to touch on without mentioning that he could sense the Darkness within Kylo before.]

I had a different power, there.

[ at least, while she was swept up by it. ]

A second power. My original one is about ... gravity. Moving things. You've seen it. [ she gestures lightly to acknowledge this. ] But while I was in Zerzura, and ever since, I've also been able to make things grow. Plants.

Wait. You have a second power?

[Riku's heard about powers changing. But he's never seen or heard of anything like this.]

Do you know anyone else who had that?

Daisy mentioned powers changing on the network.

[ 'and not just the you get better the more you use it kind of change,' she'd said. rey had just assumed her discovery went without saying. ]

I thought that's the sort of thing she meant. [ wait. ] ... You don't know anyone else who had that?

A totally separate power? I have a bunch back home, but so far, that doesn't seem like how it works here.

[Riku thinks of gravity and sleep as separate spells, for instance.

But that's the thing: they're separate. Not learned in tandem, not linked together.]

Then ...

[ it probably wasn't zerzura. she narrows it down at least that far. other people had been there. what does it mean?? rey puzzles over this a moment, then-- ]

The UNA put all sorts of drugs in me. I don't know what they were. They were trying to activate my power. Do you think ...? [ well that's suitably horrifying. ]

If the UNA had powers, we'd know about it already.

[Riku knows how afraid she is of them. It seems like it's with good reason.]

It's gotta be something else. Maybe you're just farther along and can develop a new spell tree.

I wasn't thinking they did it on purpose.

[ just, for the record. but there could be consequences to the fact that rey was further experimented on. that's how this all began, after all -- shaved heads and drugs and people digging around inside their bodies without their permission. the una had done the same.

she swallows, uncomfortable. ] But maybe you're right.

[ that's the safer, easier option to accept. she wants to accept it, at least, because it means less thinking about what the una did to her. ]

[open log] i don't care about the mess you made

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