[open log] i don't care about the mess you made

[strove]

WHO: Clarke Griffin, Riku, and Goro Akechi + anyone who wants to do some dreams or other stuff
WHERE: Dreams, New Amsterdam.
WHEN: Month of January IC!
WHAT: Dreams, memory shares, etc. General open log things.
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation for Akechi and Clarke (respectively).

[Riku, Clarke, and Akechi couldn't be more different on the surface—but when it comes to dreams, to the control of the mind and the actions they take, the similarities come together. Oddly enough, each of them has some experience over this space. Riku, through being a Dreameater. Clarke, through Josephine taking over her body and through having to fight back against the sociopathic scientist. And Akechi through the metaverse, having to traverse it alone. That's not to say that they have special powers here: but control is something that will come more easily, as will lucidity.

Of course, thematically they're different:]

riku: mistakes of the past, worries of the present

[These days, Riku is more or less at peace with himself. Once, his dreams were mercurial and lacked control. They showed his worry about strength. Power. And at times, Darkness—the Darkness that reigned over his life, that acted as a threat. These days, that Darkness is as much a part of him as anything: trapped in his heart, a constant in motion. A part of who he is.

But there are themes and motifs that reoccur. Friends fading away. The danger of thinking too much, even if the thoughts don't string together. A friend slipping, falling into a wave of Darkness. More recently: images of his home falling apart, of New Amsterdam falling to the same ruin, crashed into by a wave of dangerous Darkness.

And of friends dying. Of not being able to do enough. Of the struggle of having to accept that they will do as they do, even if he can't do nothing. His hands always tied, forced to be idle, passive. Accepting that, too.

There is always a push for logic against even the most irrational of thoughts. Always.]

clarke: guilt, the lives she's taken, a peaceful interlude

[Many of Clarke's dreams take place separate from what would be her mindscape. Her dreams are of green: sprawling trees with a beautiful, forested canopy. A bright sun overhead, though sometimes there are two. But in the horizon, there may or may not be ruin: ruins of a city that managed to come together in the aftermath of an apocalypse, or ruins of a world, covered in dirt and sand, and strange creatures that burrow into the ground and can dig into someone's skin. She doesn't dream of those creatures, not often.

When she can, Clarke dreams of what could be: a life in this area of rich, fertile environment. A time with her daughter, her mother, her friends. Bellamy is there when he can be, but during times of strife, it seems she has a hard time facing him. (This Bellamy is older, with facial hair and a calmer expression. Like he knows to keep what he can inside.)

When there are people present, there is always a pressure. Of being boxed in, of being the one to find the solutions. Clarke always feels as if her answers are the wrong answers, and they show here. But there is no resentment toward the many, many people in her life: angry, making demands. Just an acceptance. Clarke doesn't feel as if they're wrong to ask so much of her. Besides, she put herself in that position to ask to make those decisions.

After all, she is a mother. A leader. But also: a tumor. A cancer. These days, Clarke doesn't let those thoughts creep up, but in dreams, who can say?]

akechi: wasted potential, what could have been

[Akechi doesn't dream of exact moments or of exact places: he dreams of the settings he likes, with drawn out, complicated scenarios where he's called upon to solve a problem. Solve any problem. Because he is someone who came into his power at an age when he was already embittered by the world, embroiled in hatred for everything around him. His mother committed suicide when he was young, and he was forced to be passed from home to home, a blemish upon his family and upon the world. An illegitimate child and a problem. Rather than choosing to overcome these notions, Akechi internalized them, took them to heart.

His dreams reflect this: colored often in blacks and reds, with Akechi moving alone, carrying every purpose that he believes that only he can accomplish. His dreams are a sign of how he deluded himself: believing that his long term plans would become something at some point.

He is extremely intelligent, and his dreams show it: with him trying to make logic out of nothing, out of the world around him. He seems to be at odds with it, caught between a sense of justice (inherently emotional) and a world out of order, one that's inevitably going to be that way no matter what.

If Akechi's gambit had paid off—if he had been aware that he was a part of a game with a gambit in motion—his view of the world would've taken hold. It would've fallen into disarray, granting control to a single deity because people are inherently messed up. At the heart of his dreams, this is a singular, notable truth. It's just one that's at odds with what Akechi really wants: to be praised, loved, and seen as less than a blemish and more that someone who can accomplish things. He just hasn't admitted as much to himself.]

ooc notes

[The general overview here is to give people an idea of what my characters' dreams would contain. This is an open log, and you can request a starter hitting on one of the notes above! I'll also be posting closed requested starters below. I'm also open to memory sharing or characters just catching up, though the former may need to come along organically (as none of my three know it's on the table).

If you'd like to discuss further, hit me up on plurk @ medieval or on discord at alison#8996.]

Comments

[inherited]

[Meanwhile, Riku wants to explain.

Did she even know what was off in the distance? That that's his home? Yes, Riku's spoken about the Islands countless times before, but he also knows it's hard to picture something that someone has never seen before. They're nowhere close, nowhere easy to reach. To her, they might just be a fixture that's always been here. After all, it's alongside a shore. Why wouldn't there be something like that?

The fact that she's resolved to using her hands to communicate worries him a lot. It means she can't speak. If anything, they need to get out of here. It might be a dream, but he knows about the dangers that rest here. If she's already begun to fade once, what happens if she does it again?

His thoughts are complicated and distant, so he nearly misses her motions. That would be bad. Way to make her feel even more like she can't speak.]

It's called the World of Darkness. It's obviously just my dreams, so it's not as bad as it could be. [She can't get hurt. That's the significant part.] I've been here a couple times. It's ... it's not the easiest place to be. [Though he felt more resolved recently back home, he'd never want to bring his New Amsterdam friends into a mess like this. Never.]

[culver]

[The World of Darkness? Well, it's mostly fitting--there's still light coming from... somewhere, just not a lot of it. If there wasn't, how could they see? But she doesn't think he's talking about darkness in the literal sense. The monochrome landscape, the creatures flitting in and out of her line of sight, the ominous outcroppings of rock all around them; it all lends to something dark. Thinking about it that way makes her shiver, wings quaking against her back.

But she tries to shake the feeling off. Being frightened of a dream isn't going to help either of them. But she can't keep that feeling of uneasiness completely at bay.

Nill takes a deep breath, trying to compose herself. They're in a dream, which is good, right? It means they're both just sleeping, and they could both wake up at any moment. She just hopes he doesn't wake before her--she's struck by the sudden fear that she could be stranded here, somehow, if he does. Nill once more fights the fear down, looking for anything else to focus on.

A pair of gleaming sulfur eyes meet hers in the gloom.

She does her best not to shudder again, instead raising one hand to point at the creature as it scuttles from the cover of one rock to another. She cocks her head, brows drawn together. What is it?]

[inherited]

[The moment one of the Heartless drifts closer, Riku moves in front of her, sticking out his arm in a swift, automatic motion. All it does is leave his chest glowing, the blue light casting a shadow beneath him. He flinches at the lack of success. Not surprising—but still irritating. Getting out of here might as well be like waking up from a dream.

Riku's hand drifts closer to his side.]

It's a Heartless. I don't think they can hurt you. Not really. [Not if it's a dream. He moves backward, stepping up alongside her again.] They're figments of Darkness. These ones aren't the remains of anyone's hearts, but they can cause problems.

[Compared to what she's seen in her lifetime and what she's fought before, this likely doesn't compare.]

We just have to hope they don't team up. That's when they get really bad.

[culver]

[He moves in front of her, and Nill takes half a step back to give him room for--whatever it is he's about to do. She thinks that maybe he's going to do what he did in that abandoned hospital and pull something out of the darkness to defend them, but no. His chest glows, but nothing happens. She realizes that this must be something he could do in his own world, though she can't figure out what he was trying to do. A pang of sympathy shoots through her; even if she didn't have any natural powers back home, she can imagine how hard it must be to lose them here.

Figments of Darkness? That... does not sound good. She shies away from the creature, angling her body towards Riku without thinking about what she's doing. He clearly knows what these things can do, and her instinct is to trust that he'll be able to handle it if things come to a head.

No. The thought spears through her mind, and she straightens again, trying to square her slight shoulders. They'll handle it together if they have to. The appearance of Naoto's knife in Zerzura hadn't been a fluke. She's worked hard to be who she is, and she isn't going to go back to who she was at fourteen, terrified of every little thing.

Still, that doesn't mean she wants to stick around. Maybe it's her imagination, but she feels like there are more of the Heartless than there were a second ago. She gently taps his shoulder to get his attention, then mimes walking with her fingers before pointing off into the distance, in the direction of the islands. They should keep moving. Standing still isn't going to help them.]

[inherited]

[The Islands shouldn't be here. When Nill points toward them, his dream shifts and changes just enough to bring them into better focus. The palm trees and forts are all where they've always been, waiting for him to arrive back home. There was only one time when they weren't there, when his world was swallowed up by Darkness and it was his fault.

Riku notices the shifts. He may be without his powers—all of them, including the ones giving him mastery over dreams—but he can notice these things. Even the Heartless are beginning to form, rallying together as if he all but asked them to do that.

Maybe he did.

That could be a problem.]

Let's go. But you should know. What's up ahead is my home. It shouldn't ... be here.

[culver]

[One second, all she sees are floating rocks with the vague outline of some shapes on them; the next, it's as if the islands have come to life. She can see trees shaped like none she's ever seen, some kind of building, and what she thinks is a dock. When she blinks and it's still there, she realizes that now that he's focusing on them, they must have become more... real somehow. It's strange to think about, but it's the only thing that really makes sense right now.

Her attention is drawn once more by the Heartless, which seem to be coalescing into something bigger--and she absolutely does not want to finish that thought. Even if this isn't her dream, she doesn't know that every little thing that pops into her head won't alter things.

So her eyes snap back to the islands in the distance, and she gives a jerky nod. Yeah, they should get moving. As they start walking, she tries to pick out more details of the islands; even though he says it shouldn't be here, she's sort of excited to see where he and Sora are from. She's never been to the homeworld of anyone she's met, and tries to piece together what it'll be like from what she knows about the two of them. Mostly, she's just trying to keep her mind off the shadows slipping in and out of her periphery. Maybe once they get to the islands, they'll go away.]

[inherited]

[If his powers were active, Riku knows that he would be able to sense the Darkness at his back. He'd be able to know how much of a threat it's likely to be here, creeping up on them. If they were active. Now, he's no more able to see than she is—and that's a problem. He keeps casting nervous glances behind him, worried about what he might see there.

But also ... he needs to keep going. He has to keep going.]

Nill ... you should know that—I think you might be here because we talked about worlds ending. About worlds dying. About what might happen to them, and how they can be resilient. Some worlds aren't. Some worlds can slip into Darkness quickly because a stupid boy thought he'd end up more powerful.

[culver]

[The fact that he's worried only makes her more anxious, and she can't help but try to walk a little faster. She doesn't know if they should be running or not--will moving more quickly aggravate the shadow creatures? She briefly wishes she knew more about them before dismissing that thought; she's seen enough monsters over the past couple years. She can do without any more lurking in her dreams.

At first, she has no idea why Riku is bringing this up now of all times. She doesn't really think it matters why she's here; she's a curious person, always has been, but when it comes to the strange dream-walking they seem to be able to do here, she's decided that maybe it's best to just accept it without asking too many questions. They've all been changed in some way, had things given to and taken away from them, and this ability just seems like a latent part of that.

But as he keeps speaking, a sort of cold realization forms in the back of her skull, one she doesn't want to acknowledge. But he's not really leaving her a choice is he? There's no way he isn't talking about himself, and while she doesn't know the extent of what he means when he talks about dying worlds and darkness, she can infer enough to know that this is something deeply personal to him. Something he might not want to share, but feels she needs to know. The ever-present question of why threatens to rear its unknowable head once more, but she squashes it down. Now isn't the time. Lately, there hasn't really seemed to be a time for anything except whatever this particular world chooses to throw at them, but maybe things will start to calm down. Maybe.

She lift her arm, briefly touching her fingers to his shoulder in a comforting gesture, gone as quickly as it came. He doesn't have to explain himself to her; overanalyzing the past has never done anyone she's ever known any good. Everybody gets to where they are somehow, and in her opinion, how that happens is their own business. He can tell her some other time if he wants, and she'll gladly listen, but she doesn't want him to do it just because he feels obligated to.]

[inherited]

They're okay now. [The comforting gesture is misinterpreted. In some contexts, Riku can tell when Nill needs something more, when her words are clipped or uncertain, when she isn't sure what to say to anyone. But he doesn't get that she's trying to shush him. Yes, it had been hard to talk about this before, but it was the context, too. Worlds being resilient, but him knowing the opposite. That's why they're here now.

None of this dream is real. Even the tower forming behind them, threatening to take them on. It isn't real. The closest they've come to it is the dreamscape, but even then—it proved to be more influential. A reflection. Bringing some things to life. Riku knows it didn't follow the logic of what he knew then.]

Sora helped get them back, and I haven't done anything stupid like that again. [That's why he had wanted to angle it toward talking about their time in Zerzura. It was awkward.]

Everyone back home knows what I did. The mistakes I made. They accept me, so it makes it easier. But that doesn't mean I want people here to know.

[He pauses, thinking of a recent conversation with Rey.]

But sometimes my mistakes help, too. Other people can feel better knowing that I messed up.

[culver]

[As he speaks, she realizes how spoiled she's become with basically unlimited access to technology; or maybe living with Heine had just made her lose her touch, because the two of them were always so in sync that he could tell what she meant to say just by the tilt of her brows. It's frustrating, but she tries to push the feeling away. It isn't his fault, and there's no helping it right now. She's just going to have to get back to basics. The very basic basics.

She chances a glance behind them, and wishes she hadn't; a great shadow rises towards the sky, and she snaps her face forward again. The old if I can't see it, it can't see me mentality is easy to fall into right now. It's the only thing that keeps her walking and not sprinting.

At least she does get a little insight into why he's telling her this, and what it means. She knows that he and Sora have been to a lot of different worlds, but she hadn't been able to grasp the extent of it until now. Destroying worlds, saving them--it leaves her with a feeling of awe, but also pride in her friends. Understanding that there were worlds beyond her own had been a hard enough idea to grasp at first, but the scope of that seems to just keep expanding.

Nill gives a short nod at that; she knows Riku is only human too, but sometimes it's hard to imagine him, well, messing up. He always seems too in control for that.]

[inherited]

[For the moment, Riku is so caught up in explaining this, trying to find the right words without feeling like he's saying too much, that he doesn't even notice that the path they're on is never ending. In reality—the World of Darkness he's been to too many times to count at this point—there are limits to how large it is. He only realizes they aren't getting any closer when he notices the vantage point isn't changing. Nothing about the Islands comes more into focus. The only change is the tower of heartless behind him.

He glances back, lips twisting down in a grimace.]

Nill, can you try to wake up? I don't think we're getting away the way I thought we could.

[And that's a real problem.]

[culver]

[She's kept her eyes on the horizon since that quick glance behind, urging the islands in the distance to come closer. She'd been holding on to the fragile belief that it would be like in books, when people travel for a long time and then suddenly they look up and their destination is just ahead. But it seems they're to have no such luck, and her hope is shattered the moment he speaks.

Nill doesn't stop walking, but she does swivel her head to look at him, and there's no mistaking the question on her face: How? She thought she'd been waking up earlier, but he'd pulled her back. And when she'd tried to find that feeling again, fear had kept her from getting a hold of it. Even if she's with Riku right now, which usually serves as a great deterrent to being afraid, the growing pillar of darkness behind them makes her more afraid than just his presence alone can help.

Still, she's got to try, doesn't she? So she gives a jerky nod, facing forward again.

Even if she doesn't want to leave him, this is his dream, and she has to trust his judgement. So while she doesn't close her eyes, afraid of tripping, she does try to let the edges of her vision blur. She can see him on her peripheral, but it's easier to ignore what's around them this way. Wake up. She repeats it in her head, a mantra against the thing looming in their footsteps. Wake up.]

[inherited]

[His eyes pass to the tower as it comes closer. Riku realizes that he doesn't trust his dreams to be harmless. He doesn't trust them to keep their pain to themselves, so to speak—and that's a problem. He steps closer to her, firmly gripping her shoulders. Funny, just a few days ago he was worried about having to deal with his feelings for her, and now—

Now she gets to see the ugly parts of him, the places that he can also call home. The Dark. It's not necessarily a place that's met with insecurity. He wouldn't even mind bringing her here if he knew he could protect her and show her the truth of who he is. He didn't mind telling her, knowing that she should know him. Knowing that there are scarier things than being forced to think you're someone's boyfriend for a short time.

He grips more tightly, and he says firmly:] Wake up. I'm not here. I'm not really holding on to you right now. Shake loose. Maybe that'll help. I don't know.

[The tower comes closer. He holds on more firmly—not to the point that he might hurt her, but to the point that she has something to stir out of.

Riku hopes this works.]

lmk if this is ok!

[culver]

[Nill forces herself to focus on anything except what's behind them, finally letting her eyes close: she listens to the strength in his voice, to the sound of her own breathing, feels the way his hands tighten on her shoulders. It's the last one that sticks with her, the thing that pushes her over the edge from trying to wake into needing to. Just on the outer reaches of her mind looms a memory she refuses to acknowledge, especially not here in someone else's dream. Not in Riku's dream.

Her breathing speeds up, her fingers flex by her sides. She has to wake up--she has to.

Instead of grasping that thread of calm she was searching for earlier, Nill snatches at the shard of fear that cuts through her, lets herself feel it instead of pushing it away like she usually would. It's a different kind of fear than what she'd felt for the mounting Heartless behind them; this is more immediate, a deep, visceral feeling that makes her stomach lurch and her face pale. She hates feeling like this.

But it's enough.

Her eyes snap open, and there's panic plain as day on her face, as if she's seeing someone else in front of her. But the moment is short-lived, because the next second she's gone, simply vanishing from the dreamscape as if she'd never been there in the first place.]