meadowlarklogs | Close your eyes, You can see me by the way that I feel

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Close your eyes, You can see me by the way that I feel

WHO: Julian Bashir and ~~Elim~~ Torvan Garak
WHERE: Their apartment, now with part of the outer wall missing
WHEN: A few days after the end of the event
WHAT: Discussing strategy
NOTES OR WARNINGS: ~~Gross flirting~~ N/A

It's been a rough few days after the end of the monster infiltration--Julian came home and immediately passed out for 18 hours straight. He might have slept longer had Garak not awakened him to ensure he was alright. Still, over the next couple of days, he has needed brief naps to stay awake all day.

Their apartment wasn't too bad off. Just a hole in the wall facing outwards. Garak thought it an improvement, as now Julian couldn't effectively air condition the space. In the meantime, they found a tarp to at least protect themselves from rain, if not the humidity itself.

Real life is unfortunately setting in, and they need to start thinking about earning a living here. Julian has applied for a lab tech position--it won't cost him too much brainpower, and perhaps he can work his way up and have access to more equipment. Maybe they could even recognize that he's more useful in R+D.

Now though, he walks in to the apartment with a couple of bags of groceries in each arm, and kicks the door closed behind him.

"There wasn't a lot to choose from, unfortunately. It looks like I'll have to develop a taste for insects." His tone lets Garak know what he thinks of that.

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He looks up from where he's sitting cross-legged on the couch, mending a few garments. It's strange to have to start a business from the very beginning, but he's making a start of it.

"Ah. So we'll be pretending to be Klingons." He doesn't blame Julian for only finding bugs but he's absolutely not looking forward to it either.

"This world is dying. I don't know enough about its ecology to even begin making suggestions. All I know is that we need to not be here when it completely collapses and that might not be far off. ...But on perhaps a less-stressful target, how are you? Was the shopping trip uneventful enough?"

He puts the bags down near their cabinets and looks over. He doesn't think he's ever seen Garak sit like that. It's very laid-back...casual and comfortable. It strikes him as odd, realizing that Garak has let his guard down around him. His lips quirk at the sight.

"At the very least, they're not alive anymore, so not quite." He grabs their provisions, modest as they are, and stores them in their pantry and fridge.

"I think we need to gather more information regarding that. I know Earth pre-warp was fairly bad off in regards to the environment. I'm not sure how it compares to here exactly." He takes out a few bottles of basic spices from the bag and puts them in the pantry.

"Doing all right. Nothing to note except the destruction and reconstruction efforts, really...The store had basics at least. Looking at the news, it seems we've gotten away easy here." Julian finishes putting away the groceries and sits on the arm of the couch, looking over at his friend.

"What are you working on?"

That's an odd look on Julian's face. He's not sure he's seen the expression on the doctor before, and he'll have to figure it out later. For now he's scooting a little to the side so that there's room on the actual couch if Julian would like it. He might not. He seems to find actually sitting on furniture challenging.

"Smaller projects until I can afford the supplies for larger." He holds up the current project, a pair of rather nice pants that got torn in the recent attack.

"I'd like to start taking commissions, but first I have to have a base. It wasn't this complicated starting on Terok Nor, but that's because I had a location and a ready customer base from the start. This will present... challenges. But I'm particularly good at adapting."

He smiles at Julian. It's nice to have an ally, a friend. This is something he's going to need to keep in mind here, considering how Lexa's words have already weakened his peace with the situation.

He kicks off the shoes that are slightly tight on him and plops down onto the couch proper once Garak gives him a bit of room. Julian turns to face his friend, bringing one leg up to rest on the couch and placing his arm to rest over the back of the couch.

It's not that they have any issues with personal space--they sleep in the same bed at night to ensure Garak doesn't get too cold. He wants to make sure that Garak has enough room to do...what he's doing.

"Starting from square one essentially..." he comments, almost wistfully, missing Deep Space Nine right now. "And yes, particularly flexible for a tailor starting from scratch." He rests his cheek on his hand while he watches Garak sew.

And an idea strikes him.

"You know...I could help you with smaller projects. That way we can get you a proper shop up and running sooner."

Sure enough, Julian is sitting like he doesn't know how a couch works. Not that Garak is complaining. He's fond of this human and most of his quirks. Before here he'd only been passingly familiar with how Julian acted on furniture. Now he gets to enjoy it regularly.

"A surgeon's hands are supposed to be good at sewing, or so I've heard. Though nowadays you have tools for that. How do your stitches look, my dear?"

He sets down the project and picks up the piece of scrap fabric he's using as a sort of pincushion. There's another needle stuck in it and he offers fabric, needle, and a spool of thread out to Julian.

"Join the edges together, would you?" It's a good idea, if Julian can sew.

Julian blinks as he takes everything, not exactly prepared for Garak to question his abilities.

"They're rather good if I do say so myself. I suppose you'll just want to see a running stitch then?" He threads the needle on the first try with no issue, hands steady. He takes the two pieces of fabric and easily sews them together, his running stitch with impeccable and consistent spacing and perfect tension. He ties it off and hands it to Garak.

"Does this meet your standards? I have plenty of other stitches I can use as well." Sewing fabric has nothing on sewing a living being.

There's some snark there in Julian's reply and Garak smiles at him, enjoying the completely unintentional flirtation.

"I am opening a business, Julian. My customers must know what to expect," he says as he takes the result and nods. "You meet my standards, however. Now. Would you prefer to reattach buttons, or hem pants?"

Garak nods to the small pile on the table. "Take your pick, and I'll pick the thread for you because you're a disaster with colors." It's impossible not to flirt back. Thankfully the doctor has no clue.

Julian rolls his eyes as he usually does at Garak, knowing for a fact his technique is superb.

"Oh please. I'm not that bad." He reaches forward and takes up the pants there that need hemming.

"Here I am offering to help you get your shop started up faster and all you're doing is insulting me." There's no heat behind it. More amusement than anything else.

His smile is wide and warm. All he's doing is not insulting, he's insulting and flirting at such an absolutely shameless level that he wouldn't dare on Cardassia. And Julian's responding warmly to it. He could almost think that the doctor was flirting back except he's not, he doesn't know. He's just being his genuinely charming self.

"I said you met my standards! What else should I say? Should I fawn over your needlework like one of your lady friends? 'Oh, Julian, what a magnificent basic stitch, clearly you have an understanding of the elementary principles of sewing and you'll be the salutatorian of our apartment.' Is that what you'd like to hear?" He's the valedictorian of Garak's heart.

"That was a low blow," and this time he mocks offense. "Especially considering none of my 'lady friends' even knew I sewed. Cloth, I mean." Of course they knew he was a doctor and sewed up people.

He holds a hand out for whatever color of thread Garak gives him.

"You may be the only person outside of my family in the quadrant that knows I can sew."

He hands over a thread that will blend in, still smiling.

"Should I be flattered, doctor? Do you feel like this is some sort of secret I've pried out of you, something hidden away? Is that the problem, Julian?" If Julian were Cardassian, the warm aggressiveness in Garak's tone and eyes would basically be a proposition. But Garak hasn't shifted his position on the couch since making room for his friend.

"I could find out everything about you. I have time, and we know what the power of touch is here. And yet, knowing this, you still chose to share a bed with me. Do you want to be known better?" Where is he even going with this? He can't go where he wants to go. But he does want to fluster the doctor a little, play with him, flirt with him, tell him a side of the truth that's both honest and dishonest.

Julian holds the thread but freezes at what Garak says and how he says it.

It sounds like a threat. Garak's still smiling which doesn't necessarily mean anything. It sounds ridiculously flirtatious.

He feels the heat rise in his cheeks. What exactly is Garak implying here, anyway?

His thoughts wander to his conversation with Lexa. She really mistook them for lovers. If anyone overheard this conversation he certainly couldn't blame them for assuming that. Did Garak mean it to sound flirtatious, or was it just the way he was saying it making it sound unnecessarily flirtatious?

He knows he's quiet a beat too long.

Going back to the task at hand, he easily threads a needle with what Garak gave him.

"You know all of my deepest, darkest secrets," he replies as nonchalantly as he can. Being an Augment was certainly #1 on his list of Deep Dark Secrets, but now that Garak knows about what happened with Section 31, that's out as well.

"And I'll take possible invasion of privacy if it means the safety of one of my friends, Elim." He quirks an eyebrow towards the other, not exactly knowing why, but this feels like he's daring the other to find something deeper and darker than what Garak already knows.

It feels like a challenge. It feels very distinctly like Julian Bashir, younger, still-a-little naive doctor with his head filled with any number of lofty Starfleet ideals, is challenging him, a former agent of the Obsidian Order, at whose hands more have found death than he can even begin to count.

And he doesn't know what to do.

What even can he do? Back down and ignore the beautiful way his friend has blushed and lose whatever's building here? Or keep it up and savor whatever this is becoming and risk losing even more?

As usual, he takes the choice that is the most dramatic and the most likely to blow up in his face.

"All of them?" Garak practically purrs out. "There's nothing left tucked away in some dark corner? You have nothing to fear there? Or is it you don't fear me? You think I'm defanged, simply ally and friend now? Safe?"

But there's a tiny shred of caution still to be found, once that all is out. He waves his hand dismissively, leaning against the back of the couch and resuming his work.

"Well. Perhaps I am. Who can say? I've been exiled a very long time."

What a contradiction his friend is.

Implying he's far more dangerous than he looks, yet sitting cross-legged and hemming on the couch, picture of a plain, simple tailor.

But Julian knows better.

"I think you're the opposite of safe, and I certainly don't think you're defanged. I only believe that you wouldn't turn your 'skills' on me." He's not sure what possesses him to basically challenge Garak to prove him wrong. Which is truly the last thing he actually wants.

Because even if Garak isn't safe, Julian feels safe with him.

After this long, after the genocide attempt, after the near-escape from the holodeck program, Julian still feels safe around him.

And what does that say about Julian's judgment?

He watches carefully as the edge to the conversation is taken off with Garak's last statement. The moment is slipping away and Julian can't shake the feeling that they were on the edge of something. What, he doesn't know.

His hands move elegantly across the cloth, but he's still half watching Garak from the corner of his eyes.

He smiles at Julian's comments despite how unfortunately accurate they are. Turning his skills on Julian would hurt him, and he so badly doesn't want to hurt Julian. Though there is a bit of a dare there, lingering in the air, and Julian is still watching him.

And what a thing to have lingering. What if he was to reach out and change things? He stands to lose so much and the companionship is the worst of it. On the other hand, maybe if he's outright rejected he can finally get over his obsession. While freezing on this lousy little world. Alone.

He can't manage this alone.

That's the core of his whole conversation with Lexa - he can't manage this without Julian because he'd be broken from the loss. The Wire had at least lasted long enough for him to find Julian in the first place and now he's without it. There are temporary measures, alcohol, sharp implements, but they won't be enough. They won't nearly be enough.

Briefly the sadness he feels makes his smile dim. He has always longed for what he cannot have. It is, more than sacrifice, the theme of his life. His father's love, his mother's, Palandine, Cardassia, and Julian.

It is enough to have this friendship, to share warmth with the doctor and closeness, he tells himself for the millionth time. It isn't true. It isn't enough. But it's better than the alternative.

Garak regains his smile. "We'll see how far your faith takes you, Julian. You do seem to wager with it rather often, and sometimes recklessly. Particularly here and now." The teasing is far from the intense challenging of moments ago, but it's best to de-escalate here. He doesn't know if he can survive the heartbreak of losing Julian.

It sounds like Julian emerges victorious from this verbal duel based on the lack of direct response to Julian's, but at the same time, something about Garak's demeanor makes him feel like he's lost. The fight left the other.

And of course, that wasn't a "no" to Julian's claims. Garak not denying it is as good as saying Julian isn't in any danger from him. The unspoken sentiment warms him from the inside out. He's learned that what Garak doesn't say is almost as important as what he does.

For someone like Garak, who constantly talks about how sentiment is a weakness, to indirectly express what Julian thinks he did...

Again, his mind flashes back to what Lexa had said.

Was it possible that Garak did feel that way about Julian? He's fairly certain not every friend of a Cardassian is invited to witness their father's shri-tal. Especially if their father happens to be the head (ex-head?) of the Obsidian Order.

And he's fairly certain not every member of the Obsidian Order simply let their friends sleep at their backs every night.

...Suddenly Lexa's assumption doesn't seem so far-fetched.

But there's no way. Garak couldn't.

It's been far too long since he's said something, he realizes belatedly.

"It's gotten me this far hasn't it? I would consider it a success on the whole." A small, fond smile forms, even as his brain works overtime.

He can't...could he?

Edited 2020-08-22 03:20 (UTC)

They sew in silence for a short time, Garak finishing up his one piece and moving on to the shirt needing buttons, carefully placing them and pinning them into position before beginning to sew.

Julian's statement/question gets his smile to change to amusement as Garak glances over.

"Oh, it has... but also a great many people have helped you win those bets. Meanwhile one who does not make wagers quite that risky, such as myself, have gotten where they are mostly on their own. Having little faith in anything has prepared me for a great deal."

Not like he wants the doctor to lose what faith he still has. Julian's been through a lot, and Garak selfishly wants him to not lose himself. It's okay if he's not the jaded professional Garak is. Though Section 31 is a concern. He has time to ponder what to do there, at least, and he'll use the time he has. Julian, for all of his fantasies, is not made to be a spy.

"It means I can survive whatever comes my way, because I never trust things not to come my way. The things I've dealt with and accomplished, oh, if only you knew the half of them. And now I've worked some for Starfleet." He widens his eyes dramatically, briefly. "But then again, you might be able to say that I do have faith. In myself."

He knows he's skilled. And there are a few people out there who know he's skilled as well. Just enough that he can feel confident, not so many that he'd have to remove a few of them.

"Of course they have. Because I know when I can't do things on my own. Nor do I believe it a weakness to lean on others once in a while."

He ties off the stitch, grabs scissors, and snips the rest of the thread with the needle off before handing the now hemmed pants back to his friend.

"Whereas I know how to be resourceful and know my own limits, and I know when to ask for help. There are pros and cons to both ways of operating, though I can't imagine how lonely those years of only relying on yourself were."

And talking about this makes Julian even more acutely aware of what a privileged position he holds in Garak's life. Simply being in his personal space bubble like this is an accomplishment in and of itself. Garak is only further convincing Julian at this point that Lexa may have been on to something.

Now the question is: How does Julian himself feel about it?

He needs time to think about it, but his first reaction is certainly not as skeptical as he might have thought he'd be.

He laughs, because to not laugh would be to allow the truth to linger.

"Lonely? Julian. When have you ever known me to seek out a great deal of company? I'm a solitary creature. Oh, it's nice, now and then. A lunch a week, for instance, a breakfast a week with the constable, an occasional foray into the holodeck, and I'm quite settled."

Garak folds the newly attended-to pants and adds them to a tidy, slowly growing pile. He never has enough of Julian's company. That's why he'd broken into the doctor's holodeck program.

"I mean no offense. I am glad of the help with dealing with Earth and our situation. But managing the situations I find myself in is something I enjoy."

Over the past couple of days, Julian's come to like it when Garak calls him by his first name. Very much.

Could it be that Julian has sought closeness for other reasons? Maybe reasons that he didn't necessary realize?

It feels like his world is slowly sliding sideways as he begins to re-examine not only every one of their interactions, but every one of his motivations for seeking Garak's company.

"Solitary? You could have easily fooled me, considering your line of work--and don't tell me it's just a cover, you derive far too much fun from socialization and station gossip. Now, what else is there that I can help with?" He gives Garak a Pointed look as he then glances over at the other garments.

Not to mention for someone that preferred to be "solitary", Garak certainly didn't mind when Julian cozied up to him in bed.

Oh. Bed tonight is going to be interesting.

He shakes his head as he stops sewing to go through what he has left. Sewing, obviously, Julian can do. Alterations are far more complicated.

"Fooling you is part and parcel of my work, my dear. You should know that by now. And gossip is simply a tool. It serves me to know who is in favor and who is not, who may have info to share on a former friend, or who may have a business venture they'd like to talk about." Garak finds a shirt with a tear that's not on the seam and holds it out, tilting his head inquisitively.

"Skin is without seams, from as much as I can tell. How do you feel about this?" Julian is calling him out, which is a little worrying considering their previous conversation and what it had been on the edge of, but when are he and Julian not prodding at each other?

"And really, it's you I'm surprised hasn't dived fully into the social options a new world has to offer. There's a job to do, yes, but when socialization can gain gossip, and gossip could lead to our way back home, why would you abstain?"

"Work? You enjoy that far too much for me to believe that it's work for you."

Have you been fooling me about your exact feelings for me as well?

"Considering human skin doesn't have seams and humans generally prefer not to have scarring wherever possible, I think I can attempt that," he replies warmly, amused. Even with the chaos in his own mind, it's hard not to fall into their usual pattern of gibes.

And yet now, it's difficult not to see Garak's attempts at deflection.

"Well, it's been a bit difficult to get settled in a new universe, find a new job, and deal with monsters attacking. Perhaps after the local reconstruction efforts are near completion, I can consider looking into the nearest bar." He's about 85% sarcastic, although it certainly wouldn't hurt to gain more information and befriend others like them.

He holds out a hand for the thread to be selected since Garak doesn't trust Julian to do it himself, obviously.

"Come now, doctor, are you saying you don't derive pleasure from your work? Why would I do what I do, still, if I didn't enjoy it?"

He sorts through the threads he has, picking the best one after a few moments and holding it out. "I do find humans to be prone to being picky. No scars, needing to settle their life before exploring all of the potential elements to it..."

Garak trails off, shaking his head. "I never know when your kind will be reckless or relaxed. Klingons I can predict. Ferengi, for the most part. But humans and Romulans seem to pride themselves on coming at things from different angles each time." It certainly makes life interesting on the station.

Yes, definitely deflecting as he receives the thread.

"It's how I like to keep you on your toes," he says breezily as he threads the needle on the first try and gets to work,long fingers nimbly moving the needle and thread. "You would be bored without humans around." Now he really is just prodding his friend.

But how will he really find out if Garak really does feel that way about Julian?

The last thing Julian wants to do is discover he's wrong and alienate his friend, especially here, where they're the only ones from their universe as far as he can tell. He has to be careful with this, but, as a scientist, he needs to experiment. He'll devise ways to push Garak in small ways, so Julian can get a feel for...well, what Garak is feeling. In the meantime, he can ponder more on this new realization from his end. Although in the end it might all be for naught.

...And the brief tug in his chest clues him in. His hand stutters ever so slightly. The idea that Garak is totally uninterested leaves him feeling hollow.

And most people don't feel hollow at the idea of a friend not being romantically interested in them, do they, Julian?

He makes a considering noise and draws it out, expression playful as he finishes with the buttons.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps I'd simply be bored if I had the whole station to myself. What's a spy or a tailor to do with no one around? I can wear the most impressive, fashionable outfit, but there's no point if there's no one to admire it."

He would be at a loss without Julian. Most of humanity he can take or leave, with a few exceptions, and Julian is the greatest of them. The doctor's hand falters and Garak looks up from the shirt he's just folded and added to the 'completed' pile. Garak's not used to Julian not being completely coordinated, not since his augment status came out and he dropped all pretenses.

"Are you all right?" he asks cautiously. Not often does he let on how much he's observing everything around him, but this seems worthy of an exception.

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