( admittedly, his reasons for joining morningstar had been pragmatic rather than altruistic, but he was here. he was doing his part, fighting the good fight and was even willing to throw in his lot with fitz and his proposed off-shoot. )
This doesn't come as easily to me as it does to you. ( none of it does, if they're being honest. rey, by contrast, has taken to it like she was born to it. )
I don't have to let you kiss me just because you're trying.
[ Just to be clear. She's pretty sure it wasn't a deliberate implication, but it was there between the lines of his irritation, so she's calling it out. But she does head own the stairs then, locking her door up so she doesn't wind up coming home to some tweaker later. ]
None of this comes easily to me. Do you have any idea— [ No. Of course he had no idea. She'd been with Illya, and even letting him see it had nearly split her in two. She'd asked for his help and it had still hurt. The dress still doesn't feel right on her, but she's chosen to view it as dress-up instead, pretending to be something that was never her life. Getting to enjoy being part of a story that wasn't hers. ]
That's not what I meant. ( a defensive snap that he regrets almost immediately. )
You're the hero. ( a clarification. there's no curl of disdain this time, at least; he might not like that her stubborn belief places her in opposition to him, might not really understand why she would choose them — the New Republic, who had done nothing for her; the Resistance, who would see him dead; her friends, who cannot possibly understand her as he does — over him, but he is beginning to see that he doesn't need to understand the why of it. only accept it. accept that it is part of who she is. )
I'm — ( "a monster", he doesn't say; it hangs in the air between them, regardless. a monster that has forgotten how to be a man. )
I'm trying. It's easier, now; knowing who is driving things.
[ She barrels straight past what she actually wants to say -- that it's not supposed to be easy, but that you're supposed to do the hard thing anyway. That's what heroes do. -- to instead focus on that. She's suspected that it's easier because he doesn't have to face his family, his mistakes, here.
Maybe she's wrong. Or maybe he just hasn't realized that yet. ]
The whole reason Gaby never wanted to trust us is because she didn't believe we could believe in her cause over our own selfish interests.
[ She blurts this out like she's appalled, but after a moment, Rey realizes she really shouldn't be. None of this should be surprising. She stops mid-stairwell, though, a few steps up from Kylo. ]
Doing the right thing because it's what you want for yourself isn't doing the right thing. Doing the right thing because it's easy isn't heroic at all. Caring about people should be a good enough reason on its own.
[ It wouldn't be worth it to make this appeal if she didn't believe he already felt that. He doesn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to kill Han. He'd done it because he felt cornered. He'd stayed with the First Order because it had felt safer than confronting his crimes, his mother. And now she's positive that he's still clinging to that mindset.
Any uncertainty she'd had about refusing that kiss is gone now. She'd been right, and it had needed to happen. ]
( and this is an admission that costs him. admitting to fear means that the fear is real. ) I was foolish and I allowed myself to be led to do things I can never take back.
And now I'm here, blind, and unsure.
Forgive me my caution when I know what I am capable of.
You knew that those things were wrong when you did them. [ She won't hear arguments otherwise--he was not manipulated in that way. He knew killing his father was wrong, and he still did it. ] Snoke used your fear to lead you.
[ She's stubborn on this point, even if she softens to less rage and more empathy, understanding. She cannot know what it is like for him--this is something they don't share. But she understands it better than anyone else. She has seen more of it. He has let her. ]
If you want to move beyond him, you need to let it go. He made you think there was no way back, but there is. But you have to believe in more than protecting yourself.
( the fear was like a toothache: a low, persistent throb of pain that had become a part of who he was to such an extent that imagining it being gone was ... impossible, once. )
And what if I do not know who I am without the anger.
[ That's why she's here now. That's why she's been here the whole time, despite her reservations. As long as he's accepting it, she'll give it.
She trudges down those steps, reaches for his arm. For a moment, she hesitates, leaving her hand there. Then she leans forward, tipping her forehead against his chest and sighing. He's right there. She can feel it. ]
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no subject
( admittedly, his reasons for joining morningstar had been pragmatic rather than altruistic, but he was here. he was doing his part, fighting the good fight and was even willing to throw in his lot with fitz and his proposed off-shoot. )
This doesn't come as easily to me as it does to you. ( none of it does, if they're being honest. rey, by contrast, has taken to it like she was born to it. )
no subject
[ Just to be clear. She's pretty sure it wasn't a deliberate implication, but it was there between the lines of his irritation, so she's calling it out. But she does head own the stairs then, locking her door up so she doesn't wind up coming home to some tweaker later. ]
None of this comes easily to me. Do you have any idea— [ No. Of course he had no idea. She'd been with Illya, and even letting him see it had nearly split her in two. She'd asked for his help and it had still hurt. The dress still doesn't feel right on her, but she's chosen to view it as dress-up instead, pretending to be something that was never her life. Getting to enjoy being part of a story that wasn't hers. ]
no subject
You're the hero. ( a clarification. there's no curl of disdain this time, at least; he might not like that her stubborn belief places her in opposition to him, might not really understand why she would choose them — the New Republic, who had done nothing for her; the Resistance, who would see him dead; her friends, who cannot possibly understand her as he does — over him, but he is beginning to see that he doesn't need to understand the why of it. only accept it. accept that it is part of who she is. )
I'm — ( "a monster", he doesn't say; it hangs in the air between them, regardless. a monster that has forgotten how to be a man. )
I'm trying. It's easier, now; knowing who is driving things.
no subject
[ She barrels straight past what she actually wants to say -- that it's not supposed to be easy, but that you're supposed to do the hard thing anyway. That's what heroes do. -- to instead focus on that. She's suspected that it's easier because he doesn't have to face his family, his mistakes, here.
Maybe she's wrong. Or maybe he just hasn't realized that yet. ]
What do you mean?
no subject
( if that is what they're calling it? arguably, they're still Morningstar with just the representative of the group changing.
still, it matters. it matters being able to look Fitz in the eye, to know that they are united in their displacement. )
Their interests are ours.
no subject
[ She blurts this out like she's appalled, but after a moment, Rey realizes she really shouldn't be. None of this should be surprising. She stops mid-stairwell, though, a few steps up from Kylo. ]
Doing the right thing because it's what you want for yourself isn't doing the right thing. Doing the right thing because it's easy isn't heroic at all. Caring about people should be a good enough reason on its own.
[ It wouldn't be worth it to make this appeal if she didn't believe he already felt that. He doesn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to kill Han. He'd done it because he felt cornered. He'd stayed with the First Order because it had felt safer than confronting his crimes, his mother. And now she's positive that he's still clinging to that mindset.
Any uncertainty she'd had about refusing that kiss is gone now. She'd been right, and it had needed to happen. ]
no subject
( and this is an admission that costs him. admitting to fear means that the fear is real. ) I was foolish and I allowed myself to be led to do things I can never take back.
And now I'm here, blind, and unsure.
Forgive me my caution when I know what I am capable of.
no subject
[ She's stubborn on this point, even if she softens to less rage and more empathy, understanding. She cannot know what it is like for him--this is something they don't share. But she understands it better than anyone else. She has seen more of it. He has let her. ]
If you want to move beyond him, you need to let it go. He made you think there was no way back, but there is. But you have to believe in more than protecting yourself.
no subject
( the fear was like a toothache: a low, persistent throb of pain that had become a part of who he was to such an extent that imagining it being gone was ... impossible, once. )
And what if I do not know who I am without the anger.
no subject
[ That's why she's here now. That's why she's been here the whole time, despite her reservations. As long as he's accepting it, she'll give it.
She trudges down those steps, reaches for his arm. For a moment, she hesitates, leaving her hand there. Then she leans forward, tipping her forehead against his chest and sighing. He's right there. She can feel it. ]
You're not alone.