meadowlarklogs | ( catch all )

[ there's a catch in carolina's breath that's somewhere between a half-hysterical laugh and a swallowed down sob, a little jump in her shoulders as her fingers dig into wash's forearms.

if it were him, except it is. except she's seen the replicas of wash's armour and her own. except he didn't remember it on chorus and it's never happened to him here, so it's just some aching weight on carolina's shoulders alone and she's so tired of it.

carolina hesitates, forces a slow enough exhale that she's not clinging to him anymore, even if she hasn't started to relax yet. she can't, so long as some parts of her wants to just be not alone with the knowledge of what happened to them, even if it's probably not in wash's best interests. ]

Do you—? I mean, you're better off not knowing what happened, aren't you?

[ she just needs to hear that he doesn't want to know, that'll be enough to keep the story to herself, to steer the dream somewhere else or just wake up and hide in wash's arms for a while. ]

[ Now Wash is the one to tense up. Didn't she just tell him? Is there more? He frowns slightly, feeling his pulse speed up a little in dread. ]

I mean. Not now I'm not, if there's more.

[ wash tenses and carolina instantly knows she's made a mistake. she shouldn't have said anything, should have just let wash hold her until she forgot how terrible she felt. she should have acted like he knew all there was to know about this macabre trophy room now. ]

I didn't just find our teammates like this. [ she's quiet, wash knows her too well not to hear the regret heavy in her tone. ] We were here, David. For days.

[ At that news Wash goes very, very still. So still Carolina isn't even sure he's breathing, until he exhales all in a rush. And then he sounds angry when he speaks again, his voice low and serious. ]

Will we ever have suffered enough for Freelancer?

[ there's a quiet, pained noise that carolina can't fully swallow down at wash's tone. she regrets telling him, regrets that he has to know now, too. ]

I don't think so, no.

[ but just how frustrated the whole situation with ephemera when she first arrived made her might have more context for wash now, a reason for just how exhausted of trying to atone for the project's mistakes she really is. more than he knew. ]

[ It does give him more context, but it's context that he hates. They were tricked, trapped, and tortured. He assumes they survived and then realizes that's a foolish assumption. She's kept this locked down the whole time, there must be more to it.

And only one thing comes to mind. ]

Am I dead?

No.

[ it's more of a rush of air, quick to reassure him as carolina pulls just enough away to turn and face him. her expression is a little more wrecked than she'd usually let anyone see, even him, but she needs to make sure he knows she's telling the truth about that.

she raises her hands to cup wash's face as she looks up at him, engaging the empathy bond in the dream, even knowing that they're probably touching in bed as it is. carolina's palpably upset, filled with remorse and blaming herself for all of this, but she loves him. no matter what else passes through their bond, that is unchanging. ]

No, you're alive. But you were badly hurt when we were trying to leave and I— I was so afraid I'd lost you.

[ Carolina's self-blame hits Wash like a punch in the gut, and he reaches up to grip one of her wrists. Not pulling her hand away, just holding on so he doesn't pull back from the terrible feelings she's having. ]

...but you didn't.

[ He isn't asking for reassurance, he can feel that she's telling the truth. He's trying to reassure her, instead, of something he knows very little about which makes it seem like a feeble attempt but. There's one thing he knows for sure. ]

Whatever happened, I know it wasn't your fault.

[ wash reaching for her wrist nearly has carolina breaking contact entirely, instinctively wanting to shut herself off, to bury this as far down as she can again. but she doesn't, because he feels like she doesn't have to. he isn't trying to get away from her emotions, just soothe them a little, the same way she would for him, and she accepts that. ]

I should have known better. [ better than to fall for recordings of alpha as bait, better than to blindly trust sims that she had no reason to. better than to let her and wash get trapped in this damned room.

she drops her gaze to wash's chest to make some effort at pulling herself together, her breathing ragged. ]

And then I was so tired and you were beside me one minute and not the next and... [ her voice is too high, too close to breaking, and carolina closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath. ] I wasn't watching your back the way I was supposed to. The way you would have for me.

Carolina... nobody's perfect. If the situation were reversed there's no telling I wouldn't have missed something happening to you after being tortured for days. You can't blame yourself, blame the assholes who did that to us.

[ He doesn't try yet to tilt her head up, but is looking at her intently. She can feel his gaze, for certain. ]

I know it's hard. I blamed myself for everything that happened with Felix and Locus for a long time, for not figuring it out, for not being the one with the solutions, but that isn't going to be you all the time. You've done your best for me since Freelancer fell. I know you did then, too.

[ she knows wash is watching her, but carolina can't bring herself to raise her face, torn between just staying where she is, or pulling away, or stepping closer and tucking her head under his chin and coaxing his arms around her so maybe she'll feel okay again. for now, she stays still. ]

I can blame the Blues and Reds all I want but that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't enough. After every mistake I've made, I can't lose you to one, too. [ and then, so it comes out in a way she can control and not in some other night's nightmare: ] Your recovery isn't going great, on Chorus. You're not the same as you were before this and I don't know if you'll ever be.

[ Wash is going to counter again, until Carolina says he's not the same. That he might never be. His grip on her wrist tightens reflexively, so she doesn't pull back. Trying to get her to look at him. ]

What do you mean?

[ He supposes now he can't say that she won't lose him, that he always bounces back because... apparently it's not true. A cold dread spreads through him. ]

[ for all the little ways they've learned to communicate with one another, refined and reinforced by how much closer they've gotten in new amsterdam, carolina knows when wash is trying to get her attention. knows she should look up, that she owes him that.

but it still takes a long moment for her to make sure she's not going to cry, for her to feel steady enough to look up at him again. ]

You weren't breathing for a while. It did damage to your brain and even though Grey did her best to help you, she couldn't undo that. A lot of the time, you're still you, you've just forgotten all of this, which is a good thing. [ even if that makes carolina's own healing process an incredibly lonely one. ] But then it's like something just turns off and I lose you, for some bit of time. Minutes or hours or whole days, sometimes, when it's really bad.

Edited (wording) 2020-10-29 05:33 (UTC)

[ Wash is still and quiet for a long moment, not even breathing just... trying to process what Carolina is telling him. Brain damaged. He's fucking brain damaged? And sometimes it gets that bad? He doesn't fully understand, though, so has to ask. ]

What do you mean something turns off....?

I don't know if you're just angry because you're confused or if it's because I'm there or—

[ her voice breaks and carolina cuts herself off, knowing that unless she calms down, she's just going to be going in upset circles trying to pick her words. wash will be able to feel the struggle of carolina trying to pull herself together enough to answer his question, to give him in the information she can't hide from him, now.

closing her eyes, carolina takes a deep breath, and tells herself things will be better after she's told him the things she's been keeping from him. when she looks at him again, her expression is resolute. ]

You're just not yourself when you have those episodes and it makes me worry. I never know what conversations we'll be repeating or how much you'll push me away, so I give you space and that's not the right answer, either, but I don't know what else to do.

[ Wash is quiet while Carolina gathers her thoughts, lets her piece them together and get them out before he tries to formulate a response. And all he can come up with is.... it doesn't matter. ]

I'm not like that here. [ And as for later? ] And if it happens... when it happens... we'll figure it out. I know you're not going to leave me, that's all that matters.

Of course not. You're stuck with me.

[ it may be a weak attempt at a joke, but carolina's still trying.

her hands drop to his shoulders, letting him keep a hold of her wrist if he wants to, but clearly offering him an out from all of that heavy, guilty hurt she's trying not to let herself suffocate under. ]

And... So long as we're here, I can keep you from getting hurt. You and Maine both.

[ Rather than wanting to break away from the crushing guilt, Wash wishes he could carry it for her. There's plenty they both feel bad about but this isn't something that's her fault. He's certain of that, no matter what she thinks. It's just something that happened, and it sounds horrible but he'd never blame her. Right? He's never blamed her?

Part of him is afraid to ask, but he has to. ]

Carolina, I... didn't ever blame you for what happened to me, right?

[ the delay in her response here isn't because of carolina trying to sort out her words, for a change, but because she genuinely doesn't know what the answer is supposed to be. ]

I don't know. Not in so many words but... I thought you might have blamed me, sometimes.

...I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I'm pretty sure I'm wrong about that.

Maybe. Maybe not. I didn't do a very good job of protecting you.

It's not your job to protect me! I'm not the rookie anymore, you should be able to trust me to protect myself. But if you really had to, I know you'd do the absolute best you could. It wasn't your fault.

[ carolina pulls her hands from wash's shoulders then, breaking the hold he had on her wrist to let her arms hang limp at her sides. ]

I know you're not the rookie anymore. But if we were protecting each other and you're the one who wound up hurt, I... That's not fair.

[ Wash tenses up worse when she pulls back. ]

No, it's not fair. But it's just how things went. You wouldn't blame yourself if I got hurt taking a hit protecting you, right? Because you'd do the same. The one who winds up under fire is chance, Carolina...

[ He wilts slightly. ]

Don't close me out over this.

I'm not trying to close you out.

[ even if that's exactly how her body language is reading. even if trying to wall up her feelings inevitably looks the same as pushing wash away. ]

It's just— It was a really rough few months and I've been trying to forget about it because you're okay here, but... It was so hard watching you struggle, especially when you didn't want my help.

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