meadowlarklogs | ENTRY 002 + THE MURDERFAMILY GROUPCHAT

Wasn't sleepin'.

[He hesitates, but Simon doesn't seem as though he's pushing Wade away, despite his words. Finally, Wade sits down on the couch next to him, careful not to touch him. He sighs.]

Listen, kid. [There's no trace of condescension in that nickname.] I know I come across as a goofy jokester that doesn't take anything seriously, but that's just how I deal with shit, y'know? It's a... whaddya call it-- defense mechanism. Had it since I was a kid. An' if that gave you the impression that I don't care, well... then I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget how fucked up things can really get here. I shouldn't have made light of it, not to you. That was shitty of me.

[Oddly enough, Simon doesn't react to being referred to as a child.

In fact, he barely hears the word.

He isn't used to what people would deem as healthy apologies. Sure, he and Grace say they're sorry after fighting, and it usually ends in some kind of schoolyard promise to remain friends forever and together no matter what, but this is different, even if that doesn't register to the blond just yet.

It's a mature apology.]

That's okay. It's kinda funny? Sometimes.

[Sincere. Uttered softly.]

I know I'm-

[Not normal. Difficult.

Unpleasant.]

Not happy, uh, all the time. And, where I was, there were always things to do when I was feelin' this way, and-

[Note how he doesn't say home.]

Now I can't.

[He doesn't make eye contact, but there is a pause.]

You've had someone do this to you... Before?

The whole operation thing?

Edited 2021-03-10 21:33 (UTC)

[Wade doesn't speak for a while, taking in Simon's stops and starts; the things he's leaving out as well as the things he's saying. There's an ache in him, somewhere in his chest as he listens to Simon stop himself from saying... what? That he's not popular? Unliked? Looked down on? Wade can't mistake that tone of voice, no matter what euphemisms Simon decides to use instead. For a moment, he's transported back in time to when he was a much younger Wade, angry and defiant and wanting to prove to the world that he deserved validation and respect.

He suddenly has a craving for a cigarette, despite not smoking since he was twenty.

Wade sighs again, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back against the couch.]

Had it done to me a couple times. Does it count as a couple times if you just never leave the facility and they just keep bringing you back in for more operations? Or does it just count as one time?

[He shrugs.] Was about six months' worth, in any case. Maybe. Time kinda blurs together when all you gotta look forward to is getting repeatedly carved open like a Thanksgiving turkey.

[Perhaps one could blame the vulnerable emotional state that Simon is in, and the fact that he has nothing to cling to. The Apex ideology has no footing here, as he is no longer on a train and there are hardly any impressionable youngsters for him to coax into denial and blind faith in an old, foolish tale. He doesn't even have Grace to hold his hand, and so he must think for himself.

Usually, Simon is too wrapped up in his own miserable little woes to bother with shouldering the pain of others, but as Wade begins to explain something that Simon has now experienced, he can't help but feel a pang of something unfamiliar and a tad unpleasant, like an old memory.]

No. No, Wade.

[Simon shakes his head, taking time to choose his words carefully, for once.]

That's one time too many.

[The next few words come out breathless, one at a time.]

Nobody ever should've done that to you, nobody ever should have that done to them because it's just so-

[There is something visceral about whatever it is that making his heart ache, so much so that his eyes begin to water. Simon doesn't understand why he feels so emotional and blames it on the lack of sleep, but for some reason he has no desire to conceal his emotions.]

Awful.

Edited 2021-03-11 19:00 (UTC)

[...Shit. That was too much information, wasn't it? Wade had meant to divulge that in his typically glib way, completely expecting Simon to just tune him out like people in his old world would've done. He hadn't meant to hit the kid with that hard of a reality check. Wade sees the tears but has the grace not to draw attention to them, leaning forward and resting his feet on the floor as he looks at the young man. He finds himself wishing, not for the first time, that he still had his mask to hide behind.]

Hey... hey. 'S all right, y'know? I survived. I got outta there. An' that just means I'm used to that kinda thing. Didn't mean to bum you out with my sob story-- it's ancient history now.

[Only a technical truth, to be sure, but Wade figures it wouldn't hurt to tell the kid this small white lie. Something compels him to reach over and place a hand on Simon's shoulder. He must've slipped up somehow; must've grazed a hole in Simon's shirt or something. All he knows is that he's suddenly awash in intense, overwhelming feelings-- feelings of anxiety and concern and pity, feelings of loneliness... and some other, strange emotion that Wade is shocked to discover is admiration. It's this last emotion that throws Wade the most off-balance. His heart clenches painfully inside his chest, and he suddenly finds his arms around Simon, hugging him close and whispering a hoarse mantra of it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

The young man feels so small in his embrace. Wade doesn't know why that pains him so.]

[The sudden physical contact is a shock for sure. Simon's initial reaction is to panic like a skittish animal, at first struggling in Wade's grasp, his hands and arms writhing against the other's chest, but as the empathy bond begins to take hold, his motions grow slower and slower, and he stops moving.

Simon is small because he has lived a life never really having enough to eat. Sure, it was enough to survive, but living on a combination of preserved food and a few stale granola bars here and there isn't really the recipe to become the biggest and broadest man that's out there, is it?

This is not the first hug he's felt in a while, as he and Grace shared an embrace not long before he wound up in this infernal shithole, and yet Simon's breathing is erratic at the start. He is confused by Wade's mix of emotions. What is that guilt for, what did he do? What is he going to do? Oh no, oh no there's pain involved, is Wade just going to crush him here without so much as a moment's notice-]

Huh?

[The last emotion that Simon experiences from Wade is the strongest and by far the most inexplicable. He blinks through wet, blond lashes while he just sits there, absorbing what's within the older man's heart like a sponge.

An intense desire to protect. Protect what, Simon himself?

His first instinct is anger. How dare the other assume he was just helpless, even though it was a part of Simon's whole ploy to get a place to stay-]

You got even right?

[An inhale, then an exhale.

For as long as he can fight it, Simon does not wish to give in to how comfortable he currently feels in Wade's arms. To do so would be foolish, weak.

But, god damn? The Merc with a Mouth might also win the title of the Multiverse's Best Hugger.]

Answer me.

[Normally Wade would have responded instantly to Simon's panicked attempts to break away. But soon the panic subsides, replaced by a strange calm-- a yearning, almost, like a puppy so starved for affection that it melts at the first gentle touch. It's unfair, finding cracks and scars in the young man's heart that are so similar to his own.

Simon's question is so soft, posed so delicately that Wade almost misses it, but eventually it registers in his mind.]

Not just for me, no. For everyone they hurt. I needed to avenge them, y'know? Avenge the people who didn't make it; the ones who lost the dead pool long before I even got there. Avenge the only real friend I ever had in that place, who they punished to get at me.

It's why I couldn't die just yet, no matter how much I wanted to. Because it wasn't just about escape anymore, y'know? Good people were getting tortured and I... I needed to make them pay for it.

{Wade draws in a breath of his own, lets it out in a slow exhale, and finally detaches himself from Simon. A bashful smile upturns his lips now, and his hand awkwardly reaches up to squeeze the back of his neck.]

Sorry. Didn't mean to make this... y'know. An AMC moment.

[It's good that Wade lets go, because Simon feels his heart rate skyrocketing. He may have had his fair share of experiences with the empathy bond, but none quite like this.

Simon has spent so much of his time trying to garner himself pity, spitballing his tragic backstory to anyone within earshot. He has never once considered that there could be others like himself, starved of affection and equally or perhaps even more disturbed, especially since the only point of comparison he's had for most of his life is Grace. She has had her weak points too, but in the end? Her number had always been higher, her smile had always seemed more captivating, and she just had always known what to do.

Simon decides that he wants to know more. He would like to meet the others, if only to feel that much less alone.]

Well, then you did the right thing. You did what you had to do.

You needed to keep the others safe.

[His brows furrow once more.]

And oh, you're fine. There's nothin' to be sorry for.

[In response to the apology. What Simon doesn't realize is that he's squeezing his left elbow with his right hand again.]

What's the AMC? Is it an acronym for something?

Edited 2021-03-24 01:24 (UTC)

[It's a good thing Simon no longer has the benefit of the empathy bond, because otherwise he would've been able to feel Wade's doubt at his assessment of the situation. Because he hadn't been thinking about the others at all, had he? The living ones, the ones who were still suffering. He'd been thinking about himself, about his need to get out; to avenge Worm and all the others who came before him and burn the place to the ground.

And maybe that was just his mercenary mind at work-- so focused on his mission that he couldn't see the trees for the forest. He still doesn't even know how many of his fellow captives made it out of the ensuing carnage. Maybe none of them. The thought is kind of darkly funny, though he can't really put his finger on why.]

AMC, that's... it's a TV channel. Has a big emphasis on drama and angst and stuff. Can't remember what it stands for.

Oh.

[This is so strange. Television?

Who needs TV when you have lavamoles, 6 Foot Vultures, and a pesky little round robot to fight? An army of children to lead? A friend, who through thick and thin, would always take care of you.

And never betray you.

Right?]

My mom didn't really let me watch that much TV when I was growin' up.

[He speaks the thought as though he almost forgot it himself.]

It was mostly just the Nature channel.

Ah.

[Wade tries to remember what shows he used to watch with his mom when he was growing up. Probably not very many-- there was no HBO or FX or Netflix back then, and he was more of an outdoorsy type of kid anyway. It suddenly occurs to him that this remark about Simon's home life might be more of an admission that Simon is prepared to let on-- that he might be homesick for the life he left behind.]

That's okay. We can make up for lost time now, yeah? Got tons of stuff on here-- nature shows, sitcoms... I'll even look the other way if you wanna watch some R-rated movies. It'll be our little secret.

[He gives Simon a conspiratorial wink.]

[Simon has not thought about home, at least, not extensively or without any hint of bitterness, for a long time. It's a part of why he clings so excessively to the Train and the Apex- After all, who would want to return to a boring, lonely existence when adventure was lurking around every corner?

He had a place and even a title. His room was everything a stupid, nerdy, incel of a teen could ever want. Why thirst for more?

Simon's face takes on a confused expression. He prefers adventuring to television too, though when it comes to make believe, he does enjoy fabricating his own realities. Maybe a little too much.]

Uh, you got anything that's... Maybe more in the fantasy vein?

Or, like, sci-fi?

[Oh, Weasel would love this kid. Wade briefly entertains himself with thoughts of the two-- one grown-ass man and one gangly teenager-- nerding out over D&D or Star Trek or the multitude of other media created to please awkward shut-ins. Not for the first time, he feels a pang of homesickness; a wistful desire to see his resident techie here. He would've gotten a real kick out of this place.

Wade flashes Simon his most winning smile.]

Oh, I think I can find somethin' that suits your tastes. Ever heard of a little show called Xena: Warrior Princess?

[All Simon offers Wade in response is a quiet shake of the head and a pair of wide eyes.

Poor thing. He has no idea what he's in for.]

ENTRY 002 + THE MURDERFAMILY GROUPCHAT

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