meadowlarklogs | those who died are justified;

( damian feels like shit, jason feels even shittier. because he fucking knows. he doesn't move when damian grabs onto him. keeps absolutely still. )

No. I know, Damian. You get pissed, open your mouth. Say shit you regret but it all comes from somewhere.

[ He doesn't let go. Keeps his fingers curled into the fabric of Jason's jacket, so tight it strains his knuckles. He can feel himself trembling faintly, the extended arm shaking with the strain - not sure if it's anger, or fear, or just too much of everything. ]

I got used to being everyone's punching bag. [ It's low and raw. ] He didn't agree with me, ever. I was always just... wrong. And wrong needs to be corrected. He locked me up, if that didn't work he'd guilt me, and if that didn't work, or if I fought back, he'd hit me a hell of a lot harder than I ever hit him. Because I didn't agree with him, because he blamed me for an accident. He'd offer to let me come home but only if I was sorry or if I atoned, because clearly there's something wrong with me.

[ A breath. ]

So how long is it gonna be before you see it and throw me out.

( jason wants to be angry, still. he's still pissed at damian, but jesus christ, this is--a little more serious.

being able to control himself like that, tell himself the anger isn't important, it's newish. jason's grateful for it. it gives him the opportunity to turn himself around, wrap an arm around damian's shoulders, tight. hold him close, pressing a chin to the top of his head. if damian wants to fight it that's fine, he doesn't care, he just--

probably needs this as much as damian does right now. )

We'll disagree. Fight over stupid crap. But I'll never, ever, use violence for punishment. Not like that. I won't punch you out of anger--hell, if I ever swing at you it's because I know how easy you can turn that shit back around on me. It's--( complicated. they were raised in complicated ways, jason always swings his fists but. ) never to hurt you. I swear. There's nothing wrong with you. You're only human, D.

[ He still doesn't know what to do with this. Any of it. With having a family again, with not having to fight. With not having any power, or influence, or a reputation that he'll never outrun.

Jason trusts him. Jason gives a shit about him. Jason's not going to try to beat him back in line when all else fails. It's not something limited to Bruce -- it's just a fact of the world he was in. When all else fails, use your fists to make your point. Beat the other party into submission, hurt them because their wrong.

He wraps an arm around him in turn. The empathy link bleeds his old hurts and desperation to be better. ]

( both arms wrap tight around damian, working around the fingers digging into his sleeve. jason gets it. gets the hurt, the desperation to be something better. he strived so fucking hard to be dick grayson as a kid, still tries sometimes. is trying right fucking now, because dick is so, so much better at dealing with this crap than he is.

there's guilt on his edge of the bond, dull blue glowing in his chest. the same desperation, because he. he does get it. gets it so much. jason. wanted to make sure damian never ended up like this. like jason. )

Hey. ( soft, shifting to dig his chin into damian's skull. ) 's okay. I promise. I won't let anything happen to you. We're a team, yeah? Brothers.

[ He nods. Guilty and ashamed to be feeling any of this. This weakness. All this ugliness that comes out at the worst times. He can't reign in his temper, he's too much like his father. Too much like all the worst parts of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul rolled into one violent monster of a human being.

Self loathing creeps around the edges. ]

You don't need to worry about me.

Pretty sure I do. ( given how damian responds to--everything. this whole thing, how shit bruce treated him back home. .

jason wraps tight around damian, rubs a palm over his back. tries to be comforting, even if he's absolute shit at it. )

I get it. Acting like tough shit is so much easier than acknowledging your own problems. That something's wrong, or that you do need someone else. Something. ( this. comes from deeper than jason cares to admit, too. but he'll admit to his own shit if it helps damian out a little. ) I don't want you to end up like me. You're--better than that.

[ ... ]

I think we just established that you should be the one afraid to end up like me. [ From Jason's perspective, at least. Damian already hit him - less in anger, more a terrible reflex he couldn't curb, but still. He's so far beyond 'ending up like' Jason Todd, he's eclipsed him without the good grace to feel remorse.

He just hates himself instead. ]

No, hey. ( he keeps trying to leave damian behind. leave him with dick, someone more positive. a better influence. someone who isn't a huge fuckup who keeps fucking up more, and here jason is, showing that he should have fucked off a long time ago. christ.

but he holds on tighter instead. this hug has gone on so damn long it's probably uncomfortable as hell, but he won't let up. not now. )

In our line of work, we learn shit ways of handling people touching us. What you did, that's--just instinct. I know. ( he does it too. hits before waiting to ask questions. responds violently because it's all he knows how to do. things like this, hugging damian, holding him close, it's fucking weird and unnatural. it's shit dick grayson does, not jason todd. ) I grabbed you. You just reacted.

I'm not talking about when I hit you.

[ He shouldn't have done that. But he's supposed to be better than his instincts, better than anyone else around him. These stupid powers are making his life harder than it needs to be.

He's never known Jason to be huggy. At this point he thinks it's more for his brother than for him, he just - tolerates it. Allows the touch. ]

You got hurt.

( damian's referring to the murders. probably. to the overtaking of the entire goddamn world. whatever. jason understands that, too. he loosens his grip a little, gives damian room to move if he feels it's necessary. )

You don't wanna know the shit I pulled when I first stepped back out of that pit.

[ he lingers, then steps back. his gaze flicks from jason's face to the floor, then off to the side. his arms fold uneasily, trying to think of what he wants to say. ]

... he never wanted me. [ isn't where he wanted to start. ] Bruce. He never trusted me, hell, I don't think he ever liked me. But - what I did, it wasn't about him.

He didn't accept Tim either, after me.

( it's a quiet confession, soft. this. took a lot of time for jason to accept, and he hates, hates justifying some of bruce's shit, especially to damian. but. )

Another Robin after I fucked off and died? An absolutely horrible idea. But he got harsher. More violate. Dick wouldn't come back. I. . only found out most of this years after the fact, but Tim? Had to shove his way in. Had to really work to soften him up a bit. Even if he wouldn't do anything with the Joker after he killed me, he still couldn't--he couldn't deal with another snot-nosed brat running around.

( slouching back against the door frame, jason takes a breath in. lets it sit for a moment. )

But not everything's about him. What was it about?

Making the world better. Ra's believed to do that, you'd have to lance off the infection that was humanity. Bruce believed in letting the sick limp along and infect everyone else... Kal believed in something different.

[ His hands tighten on his arms. Not in anger, just for purchase. To find his footing. ]

I'll never be able to convince you that it was better. You didn't see it. Hopefully you never will.

I know the world, D. Not yours. But I know how disgusting the gutters get. I know the sickness that fell over Gotham--hell, over the world. Bruce, we don't agree on a lot of shit, but.

( a deep breath in, a slow breath out. )

I was part of the contagion that infected Gotham, long before I was Robin. Hell, when I was Robin. The kids on those streets, and I know you wouldn't, but the people out there? That think overtaking the world is the better option, that forcing their rules will solve everything--

It won't. Sooner or later the people would grow to forget fear of the massive bulk of Kryptonian ruling over them. Soon they'd rise up because like hell is humanity accepting rule by fucking anyone. Our government is a piece of shit, but at least people think they can fight it. A Kryptonian, D? The power of whatever Leaguers you had backing you? You? Fuck that.

The street kids, we don't fucking know fear. A bug guy with an S goes around talking peace and I guarantee they'll be among the first to fight him. and if Kal's that deep into it, do you think he's gonna stop at taking down innocents who get in his way? Let alone street scum. How many Leaguers did he take down, D? How many, aside from Bats, fought him tooth and nail?

How many died, fighting for humanity, in opposition of Kal's beliefs? You said you had the Lanterns backing you, what about GA? Roy? Canary? ( those three would fuck shit up in the name of freedom, ollie isn't quiet about his stance on anything. he hates oppressors more than anything. ) BG, BW--what do you do with the heroes who don't agree with your stance on shit, D?

What would he do, if I stood against him. Guy could kill me in a moment. Superman only works as hero if he stays impartial. Guys like that who get opinions, they become monsters instead.

[ His grip tightens further. He thinks of Shazam. Of Billy Bateson. Of what he doesn't know happened in that meeting room, of all the things he doesn't know and all the things he wish he did.

But then he thinks of his father. He thinks of being in that tiny little room before the old man graduated to a real prison. Of looking at him as he stood in the doorway, offering him the opportunity to come home, all is forgiven. If only he agrees to fall in line. ]

You know he has these files on how to hurt everyone, right? How to break their spirits or their bodies until they drop to their knees and listen. He paralyzed Barry. He gave Vic a virus and ripped his faceplate off. He shackled me to the floor, arms and feet, in a small room with no windows for months. He broke Raven so badly she was never the same. He kidnapped Shayera and send the martian to replace her, and when the martian tried to kill Diana and put her in a coma, he was angrier at Clark for killing it to save her life!

Or how about when he cut life support systems to the Watchtower and sent it plummeting to Earth? When I was up there! His own son! He did it before anything happened, because he didn't want to give up control! Because he couldn't handle the chance that Batman might not be needed anymore!

[ His voice is building. He can't help it. He's almost shaking again. ]

You want to call that fighting for humanity?! Because I call that sick! All the people who side with him are no better than he is!

I'm not justifying Batman. I'm not excusing the shit he's done, or even saying he's right. Hell, your Bats sounds downright psychotic.

( his is still crazy, but at least not beat your children crazed. jason'll kill damian's bruce if he ever shows up. fingers around his throat, slowly choke the life out of that fucker. . )

You're calling J'onn an it. Neither of them are right, Bats or Supes. Or Ra's. They're all wrong. Tell me, what did Kal do? What did he do when Bats turned off life support? He killed J'onn. You're focusing on the shit Bats did wrong. I get it. He's a shithole.

But tell me, who died so Kal could take over?

Kal saved us is what he did. J'onn was in Diana's brain and was killing her. He acted in her defense.

[ he bristles. ]

Nobody who wasn't trying to kill him first.

Why was J'onn in her brain?

( evenly. they really need to step out of this conversation but they're both stubborn. )

No, I don't think that's right. I think he ended anyone who stood against him, or tried to. Tell me, how long would I last back in your world? How long would it take before I had a Kryptonian-sized fist shoved through my heart?

On my father's orders. Because he was pissed about Arkham. Because he was angry we intervened in wars.

[ He won't. And he glares at that. ]

You are in my world, and you're doing just fine. Kal didn't set out to kill anybody. You don't know him, don't talk like you do.

No. I know my world's Kal, a happy, loving father with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

( doesn't know. knows of. )

But I know myself, too. Not your version of me, but me. And I? I can't stand guys who stand above others like they're hot shit, demanding obedience and order. I'd get right in his face, call him a shitstain against the multiverse. Tell me I'd live through that.

Alfred did. He isn't a tyrant, Jason. He can handle dissenting opinions.

[ if only he knew. ]

I've argued with him. I've done a lot of shit he explicitly told me not to. I'm still standing.

Al didn't demand, he asked.

( jason listened because he respected him. he respects kal, too. sometimes bruce. he's not sure about anyone from damian's world. but.

whatever. a roll of his eyes, and he lets it go. he'd argue this shit deeper, but it seems pointless. damian's either brainwashed or--god, respects the guy. defending him at every corner is fucking weird, especially for damian. jason won't push it further. not after the day they've had already. )

Fine, whatever. Support whoever the hell you want to. 's your life, your choice. I'm not gonna judge. ( much. as long as it's not, you know, actually bad crap. actually he is judging damian. who cares!! ) I'm not gonna follow it either.

It's not your world. I don't expect you to understand.

[ He's trying very hard not to stay, feeling like a raw nerve stretched too tight. ]

Are we -- [ Done here ] Are we good?

We'll always be good. ( a small correction, but an important one. ) No matter what bullshit happens outside--or inside--these walls, I don't give a shit. You'll always be my brother.

And I'll always protect my own.

( protection isn't the point here, but he hopes damian gets it. that jason will stick by him regardless. if he doesn't agree by damian's decisions? he'll still love him. still fight with him, even if they're on opposite teams. )

There isn't a stunt you can pull that'll change any of that.

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