[ The door opens, and Rey physically stutters. She draws up short on seeing him, the suit much softer and formal than any of his armor or streetwear. Then she feels foolish for it because of course she looks the same. They're both playing dress up today. Neither are made for this. Immediately she feels more relaxed, seeing how he looks in his 'costume.' Hers can't be that bad then. They're the same. ]
You look...
[ A wan smile spreads across her lips. She grabs her jacket off her bed, which is really just a mattress on the floor beside the rack that is her exposed closet. Beyond that is a kitchen large enough only for one person to stand in and pivot, and opposite that is a bathroom with a curtain instead of a door. She looks like a glowing jewel amidst the chaos and garbage of her close quarters, which has a smattering of discarded clothes and a takeout container or two--no doubt due to her cramped kitchen.
Dressed all in rich emerald green, Rey has adopted flats instead of heels in one last holdout against convention. The dress falls above her thigh and she has, actually, shaved her legs after assessing over the past few days why she felt she still didn't seem to fit in with her image of the kinds of people who wear nice dresses. She's trying to convince herself she feels like Leia might. Princesslike, but still formidable. ]
Uh. Do you need anything before we go? [ He must have come up for something right? She gestures. ] Fresher's there. The switch is a bit finicky, just be firm.
No, [ he tells her, though admittedly he has no idea what had prompted this change of mind. had prompted him to come up to her rather than wait for her to come down to him, as had been the plan.
looking at her now, though. seeing the way the emerald of the fabric catches the gilt of her skin, turning it warm and golden, he can't find it in him to be disappointed. he clears his throat, looking away she ducks back inside to fetch her jacket.
his gaze lingers on the little slice of the apartment he can make out. it's a small space.
a lived-in space. and, clutter aside, there is something so very Rey about this. endearing and befuddling. ]
[ She notes this with some amusement. The jacket is leather, and, pulled around her shoulders, it dresses down the fancy sheath dress she's wearing considerably, but it also makes it look more Rey. Less like she's putting on someone else's clothes. Rey walks up to him, no longer smothering her smile.
He would have seen her either way, which means he'd come up because he'd been excited to see her. It's familiar and mutual, and she glances away after a moment, recognizing it. She scarcely knows what to do with that--she's shared that kind of glee only with Finn before, and never in this way. ]
Well. This is me. [ She gestures to the door. Better to find another pivot than dwell on what he could judge. ] I'm all set.
Maybe, [ he agrees, then ducks down to press a kiss to the corner of her smiling mouth before he can think better of it. the angle is a little awkward, perhaps. and the kiss itself entirely too brief, but when he pulls back there's a brief twitch of a smile plucking at the corner of his mouth. pleased with himself. ]
[ He is as brazen and open as she had once been with him. Noticing this startles her. She has closed off from him, in contrast, waiting for some sign of trust to soften her again. Rey is stunned, temporarily frozen, by the kiss. It steals her breath, and she searches his face for that moment's hesitation--for an explanation. There is none. He'd simply wanted to. The brief connection of the empathy bond had revealed that in perfect clarity.
And why not? They have already kissed. She had returned it, the night of the UNA attack. Wounded and frail and trembling under the water of his shower, she had leaned into this because she knew no other way. For some reason, repeating it by the light of day demands definition. She is all too aware now of the nature of this outing.
No, not some reason. She knows the reason. ]
I'm the one waiting.
[ She says it with some resolve. Giving this voice now runs the risk of ruining the whole evening, but she is not well-versed in social graces, and she has no want to hold herself back. Now that she sees the evening for what it is--not a group of friends gathered, but two pairs; Force, she's stupid to have not noticed Daisy's working before--she is keenly aware of how she has been waiting.
The only reason she doesn't surge to reclaim that kiss and overpower him with a hungrier one is that she's waiting. Waiting for him to make a decision about the conflict that stirs inside him. ]
Stop doing that. [ Her chest aches in protest. She does not want it to stop, not really. But it's confusing; she never knows if she's kissing Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. This is an oversimplification, of course, in that she knows he is both in either case, but she does not want her desire for him to be misconstrued as permission for his vacillating.
Some part of her complains that it makes no difference--that whether or not she's kissing him doesn't change how invested they have both become. But it does. It's a foothold for so much more. ]
his head dips, hiding the brief flicker of ...something. a thorny, embarrassed feeling that he would sooner discard immediately than have to examine further. )
If that's what you want. ( he steps to the side, allowing her space to step around him. )
[ The tension isn't a bad thing -- it's only bringing out what has already existed between them, what they have been ignoring. In that way, it feels more honest and satisfies something in Rey's chest. She isn't sure she likes the phrasing -- she does want to kiss him, but she wants to know what it means when she does -- but digging into it isn't necessarily appealing either. ]
I figured.
[ Where else would it be? Saying so seems like a way to extricate them from the awkwardness of the situation. A way to flinch away from the conflict. Rey doesn't have a conflict-averse bone in her body. ]
I want you. [ Does she need to say it? She has. A hundred different ways. But selfishly, she wants all or nothing. And she can't get Daisy out of her head. ] I want you to want to be better. Not just because you want this with me.
( admittedly, his reasons for joining morningstar had been pragmatic rather than altruistic, but he was here. he was doing his part, fighting the good fight and was even willing to throw in his lot with fitz and his proposed off-shoot. )
This doesn't come as easily to me as it does to you. ( none of it does, if they're being honest. rey, by contrast, has taken to it like she was born to it. )
I don't have to let you kiss me just because you're trying.
[ Just to be clear. She's pretty sure it wasn't a deliberate implication, but it was there between the lines of his irritation, so she's calling it out. But she does head own the stairs then, locking her door up so she doesn't wind up coming home to some tweaker later. ]
None of this comes easily to me. Do you have any idea— [ No. Of course he had no idea. She'd been with Illya, and even letting him see it had nearly split her in two. She'd asked for his help and it had still hurt. The dress still doesn't feel right on her, but she's chosen to view it as dress-up instead, pretending to be something that was never her life. Getting to enjoy being part of a story that wasn't hers. ]
That's not what I meant. ( a defensive snap that he regrets almost immediately. )
You're the hero. ( a clarification. there's no curl of disdain this time, at least; he might not like that her stubborn belief places her in opposition to him, might not really understand why she would choose them — the New Republic, who had done nothing for her; the Resistance, who would see him dead; her friends, who cannot possibly understand her as he does — over him, but he is beginning to see that he doesn't need to understand the why of it. only accept it. accept that it is part of who she is. )
I'm — ( "a monster", he doesn't say; it hangs in the air between them, regardless. a monster that has forgotten how to be a man. )
I'm trying. It's easier, now; knowing who is driving things.
[ She barrels straight past what she actually wants to say -- that it's not supposed to be easy, but that you're supposed to do the hard thing anyway. That's what heroes do. -- to instead focus on that. She's suspected that it's easier because he doesn't have to face his family, his mistakes, here.
Maybe she's wrong. Or maybe he just hasn't realized that yet. ]
The whole reason Gaby never wanted to trust us is because she didn't believe we could believe in her cause over our own selfish interests.
[ She blurts this out like she's appalled, but after a moment, Rey realizes she really shouldn't be. None of this should be surprising. She stops mid-stairwell, though, a few steps up from Kylo. ]
Doing the right thing because it's what you want for yourself isn't doing the right thing. Doing the right thing because it's easy isn't heroic at all. Caring about people should be a good enough reason on its own.
[ It wouldn't be worth it to make this appeal if she didn't believe he already felt that. He doesn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to kill Han. He'd done it because he felt cornered. He'd stayed with the First Order because it had felt safer than confronting his crimes, his mother. And now she's positive that he's still clinging to that mindset.
Any uncertainty she'd had about refusing that kiss is gone now. She'd been right, and it had needed to happen. ]
( and this is an admission that costs him. admitting to fear means that the fear is real. ) I was foolish and I allowed myself to be led to do things I can never take back.
And now I'm here, blind, and unsure.
Forgive me my caution when I know what I am capable of.
You knew that those things were wrong when you did them. [ She won't hear arguments otherwise--he was not manipulated in that way. He knew killing his father was wrong, and he still did it. ] Snoke used your fear to lead you.
[ She's stubborn on this point, even if she softens to less rage and more empathy, understanding. She cannot know what it is like for him--this is something they don't share. But she understands it better than anyone else. She has seen more of it. He has let her. ]
If you want to move beyond him, you need to let it go. He made you think there was no way back, but there is. But you have to believe in more than protecting yourself.
( the fear was like a toothache: a low, persistent throb of pain that had become a part of who he was to such an extent that imagining it being gone was ... impossible, once. )
And what if I do not know who I am without the anger.
[ That's why she's here now. That's why she's been here the whole time, despite her reservations. As long as he's accepting it, she'll give it.
She trudges down those steps, reaches for his arm. For a moment, she hesitates, leaving her hand there. Then she leans forward, tipping her forehead against his chest and sighing. He's right there. She can feel it. ]
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no subject
You look...
[ A wan smile spreads across her lips. She grabs her jacket off her bed, which is really just a mattress on the floor beside the rack that is her exposed closet. Beyond that is a kitchen large enough only for one person to stand in and pivot, and opposite that is a bathroom with a curtain instead of a door. She looks like a glowing jewel amidst the chaos and garbage of her close quarters, which has a smattering of discarded clothes and a takeout container or two--no doubt due to her cramped kitchen.
Dressed all in rich emerald green, Rey has adopted flats instead of heels in one last holdout against convention. The dress falls above her thigh and she has, actually, shaved her legs after assessing over the past few days why she felt she still didn't seem to fit in with her image of the kinds of people who wear nice dresses. She's trying to convince herself she feels like Leia might. Princesslike, but still formidable. ]
Uh. Do you need anything before we go? [ He must have come up for something right? She gestures. ] Fresher's there. The switch is a bit finicky, just be firm.
no subject
looking at her now, though. seeing the way the emerald of the fabric catches the gilt of her skin, turning it warm and golden, he can't find it in him to be disappointed. he clears his throat, looking away she ducks back inside to fetch her jacket.
his gaze lingers on the little slice of the apartment he can make out. it's a small space.
a lived-in space. and, clutter aside, there is something so very Rey about this. endearing and befuddling. ]
I just wanted to see you.
no subject
[ She notes this with some amusement. The jacket is leather, and, pulled around her shoulders, it dresses down the fancy sheath dress she's wearing considerably, but it also makes it look more Rey. Less like she's putting on someone else's clothes. Rey walks up to him, no longer smothering her smile.
He would have seen her either way, which means he'd come up because he'd been excited to see her. It's familiar and mutual, and she glances away after a moment, recognizing it. She scarcely knows what to do with that--she's shared that kind of glee only with Finn before, and never in this way. ]
Well. This is me. [ She gestures to the door. Better to find another pivot than dwell on what he could judge. ] I'm all set.
no subject
But I didn't want to wait.
no subject
And why not? They have already kissed. She had returned it, the night of the UNA attack. Wounded and frail and trembling under the water of his shower, she had leaned into this because she knew no other way. For some reason, repeating it by the light of day demands definition. She is all too aware now of the nature of this outing.
No, not some reason. She knows the reason. ]
I'm the one waiting.
[ She says it with some resolve. Giving this voice now runs the risk of ruining the whole evening, but she is not well-versed in social graces, and she has no want to hold herself back. Now that she sees the evening for what it is--not a group of friends gathered, but two pairs; Force, she's stupid to have not noticed Daisy's working before--she is keenly aware of how she has been waiting.
The only reason she doesn't surge to reclaim that kiss and overpower him with a hungrier one is that she's waiting. Waiting for him to make a decision about the conflict that stirs inside him. ]
Stop doing that. [ Her chest aches in protest. She does not want it to stop, not really. But it's confusing; she never knows if she's kissing Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. This is an oversimplification, of course, in that she knows he is both in either case, but she does not want her desire for him to be misconstrued as permission for his vacillating.
Some part of her complains that it makes no difference--that whether or not she's kissing him doesn't change how invested they have both become. But it does. It's a foothold for so much more. ]
no subject
his head dips, hiding the brief flicker of ...something. a thorny, embarrassed feeling that he would sooner discard immediately than have to examine further. )
If that's what you want. ( he steps to the side, allowing her space to step around him. )
Bike's downstairs.
no subject
I figured.
[ Where else would it be? Saying so seems like a way to extricate them from the awkwardness of the situation. A way to flinch away from the conflict. Rey doesn't have a conflict-averse bone in her body. ]
I want you. [ Does she need to say it? She has. A hundred different ways. But selfishly, she wants all or nothing. And she can't get Daisy out of her head. ] I want you to want to be better. Not just because you want this with me.
no subject
( admittedly, his reasons for joining morningstar had been pragmatic rather than altruistic, but he was here. he was doing his part, fighting the good fight and was even willing to throw in his lot with fitz and his proposed off-shoot. )
This doesn't come as easily to me as it does to you. ( none of it does, if they're being honest. rey, by contrast, has taken to it like she was born to it. )
no subject
[ Just to be clear. She's pretty sure it wasn't a deliberate implication, but it was there between the lines of his irritation, so she's calling it out. But she does head own the stairs then, locking her door up so she doesn't wind up coming home to some tweaker later. ]
None of this comes easily to me. Do you have any idea— [ No. Of course he had no idea. She'd been with Illya, and even letting him see it had nearly split her in two. She'd asked for his help and it had still hurt. The dress still doesn't feel right on her, but she's chosen to view it as dress-up instead, pretending to be something that was never her life. Getting to enjoy being part of a story that wasn't hers. ]
no subject
You're the hero. ( a clarification. there's no curl of disdain this time, at least; he might not like that her stubborn belief places her in opposition to him, might not really understand why she would choose them — the New Republic, who had done nothing for her; the Resistance, who would see him dead; her friends, who cannot possibly understand her as he does — over him, but he is beginning to see that he doesn't need to understand the why of it. only accept it. accept that it is part of who she is. )
I'm — ( "a monster", he doesn't say; it hangs in the air between them, regardless. a monster that has forgotten how to be a man. )
I'm trying. It's easier, now; knowing who is driving things.
no subject
[ She barrels straight past what she actually wants to say -- that it's not supposed to be easy, but that you're supposed to do the hard thing anyway. That's what heroes do. -- to instead focus on that. She's suspected that it's easier because he doesn't have to face his family, his mistakes, here.
Maybe she's wrong. Or maybe he just hasn't realized that yet. ]
What do you mean?
no subject
( if that is what they're calling it? arguably, they're still Morningstar with just the representative of the group changing.
still, it matters. it matters being able to look Fitz in the eye, to know that they are united in their displacement. )
Their interests are ours.
no subject
[ She blurts this out like she's appalled, but after a moment, Rey realizes she really shouldn't be. None of this should be surprising. She stops mid-stairwell, though, a few steps up from Kylo. ]
Doing the right thing because it's what you want for yourself isn't doing the right thing. Doing the right thing because it's easy isn't heroic at all. Caring about people should be a good enough reason on its own.
[ It wouldn't be worth it to make this appeal if she didn't believe he already felt that. He doesn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to kill Han. He'd done it because he felt cornered. He'd stayed with the First Order because it had felt safer than confronting his crimes, his mother. And now she's positive that he's still clinging to that mindset.
Any uncertainty she'd had about refusing that kiss is gone now. She'd been right, and it had needed to happen. ]
no subject
( and this is an admission that costs him. admitting to fear means that the fear is real. ) I was foolish and I allowed myself to be led to do things I can never take back.
And now I'm here, blind, and unsure.
Forgive me my caution when I know what I am capable of.
no subject
[ She's stubborn on this point, even if she softens to less rage and more empathy, understanding. She cannot know what it is like for him--this is something they don't share. But she understands it better than anyone else. She has seen more of it. He has let her. ]
If you want to move beyond him, you need to let it go. He made you think there was no way back, but there is. But you have to believe in more than protecting yourself.
no subject
( the fear was like a toothache: a low, persistent throb of pain that had become a part of who he was to such an extent that imagining it being gone was ... impossible, once. )
And what if I do not know who I am without the anger.
no subject
[ That's why she's here now. That's why she's been here the whole time, despite her reservations. As long as he's accepting it, she'll give it.
She trudges down those steps, reaches for his arm. For a moment, she hesitates, leaving her hand there. Then she leans forward, tipping her forehead against his chest and sighing. He's right there. She can feel it. ]
You're not alone.