[open log] i don't care about the mess you made

[strove]

WHO: Clarke Griffin, Riku, and Goro Akechi + anyone who wants to do some dreams or other stuff
WHERE: Dreams, New Amsterdam.
WHEN: Month of January IC!
WHAT: Dreams, memory shares, etc. General open log things.
NOTES OR WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation for Akechi and Clarke (respectively).

[Riku, Clarke, and Akechi couldn't be more different on the surface—but when it comes to dreams, to the control of the mind and the actions they take, the similarities come together. Oddly enough, each of them has some experience over this space. Riku, through being a Dreameater. Clarke, through Josephine taking over her body and through having to fight back against the sociopathic scientist. And Akechi through the metaverse, having to traverse it alone. That's not to say that they have special powers here: but control is something that will come more easily, as will lucidity.

Of course, thematically they're different:]

riku: mistakes of the past, worries of the present

[These days, Riku is more or less at peace with himself. Once, his dreams were mercurial and lacked control. They showed his worry about strength. Power. And at times, Darkness—the Darkness that reigned over his life, that acted as a threat. These days, that Darkness is as much a part of him as anything: trapped in his heart, a constant in motion. A part of who he is.

But there are themes and motifs that reoccur. Friends fading away. The danger of thinking too much, even if the thoughts don't string together. A friend slipping, falling into a wave of Darkness. More recently: images of his home falling apart, of New Amsterdam falling to the same ruin, crashed into by a wave of dangerous Darkness.

And of friends dying. Of not being able to do enough. Of the struggle of having to accept that they will do as they do, even if he can't do nothing. His hands always tied, forced to be idle, passive. Accepting that, too.

There is always a push for logic against even the most irrational of thoughts. Always.]

clarke: guilt, the lives she's taken, a peaceful interlude

[Many of Clarke's dreams take place separate from what would be her mindscape. Her dreams are of green: sprawling trees with a beautiful, forested canopy. A bright sun overhead, though sometimes there are two. But in the horizon, there may or may not be ruin: ruins of a city that managed to come together in the aftermath of an apocalypse, or ruins of a world, covered in dirt and sand, and strange creatures that burrow into the ground and can dig into someone's skin. She doesn't dream of those creatures, not often.

When she can, Clarke dreams of what could be: a life in this area of rich, fertile environment. A time with her daughter, her mother, her friends. Bellamy is there when he can be, but during times of strife, it seems she has a hard time facing him. (This Bellamy is older, with facial hair and a calmer expression. Like he knows to keep what he can inside.)

When there are people present, there is always a pressure. Of being boxed in, of being the one to find the solutions. Clarke always feels as if her answers are the wrong answers, and they show here. But there is no resentment toward the many, many people in her life: angry, making demands. Just an acceptance. Clarke doesn't feel as if they're wrong to ask so much of her. Besides, she put herself in that position to ask to make those decisions.

After all, she is a mother. A leader. But also: a tumor. A cancer. These days, Clarke doesn't let those thoughts creep up, but in dreams, who can say?]

akechi: wasted potential, what could have been

[Akechi doesn't dream of exact moments or of exact places: he dreams of the settings he likes, with drawn out, complicated scenarios where he's called upon to solve a problem. Solve any problem. Because he is someone who came into his power at an age when he was already embittered by the world, embroiled in hatred for everything around him. His mother committed suicide when he was young, and he was forced to be passed from home to home, a blemish upon his family and upon the world. An illegitimate child and a problem. Rather than choosing to overcome these notions, Akechi internalized them, took them to heart.

His dreams reflect this: colored often in blacks and reds, with Akechi moving alone, carrying every purpose that he believes that only he can accomplish. His dreams are a sign of how he deluded himself: believing that his long term plans would become something at some point.

He is extremely intelligent, and his dreams show it: with him trying to make logic out of nothing, out of the world around him. He seems to be at odds with it, caught between a sense of justice (inherently emotional) and a world out of order, one that's inevitably going to be that way no matter what.

If Akechi's gambit had paid off—if he had been aware that he was a part of a game with a gambit in motion—his view of the world would've taken hold. It would've fallen into disarray, granting control to a single deity because people are inherently messed up. At the heart of his dreams, this is a singular, notable truth. It's just one that's at odds with what Akechi really wants: to be praised, loved, and seen as less than a blemish and more that someone who can accomplish things. He just hasn't admitted as much to himself.]

ooc notes

[The general overview here is to give people an idea of what my characters' dreams would contain. This is an open log, and you can request a starter hitting on one of the notes above! I'll also be posting closed requested starters below. I'm also open to memory sharing or characters just catching up, though the former may need to come along organically (as none of my three know it's on the table).

If you'd like to discuss further, hit me up on plurk @ medieval or on discord at alison#8996.]

Comments

two feet standing on a principle [ closed to jyn ]

[strove]

[Off in the distance right away, there is a castle. Perched high on a hill, it was clearly built for a reason and a purpose. The odd part is how little it seems to blend in. While there is a village not far from the stairs leading up to the castle, none of the houses in the village have any of the same architecture. On the contrary, it seems as if all of the effort for this village was put into that castle. Why is the castle there, then? What purpose does it serve?

Clarke is here, of course. Time shifts and changes suddenly, moving from a barren land to a place where kids play in an organized way. Madi is also there, in the distance, among peers. She looks as if she doesn't belong, but every time she looks at Clarke, she nods to herself and tries again. Like she knows she needs to try.

But even then, Clarke stands and turns, feeling out of place. She looks at Jyn when she does, stopping short.]

Hi, [she says, and it's a touch muted, like she doesn't know what to make of it. Clarke studies Jyn, as if she's waiting to see how she responds.]

[realists]

[ a lifetime of war had broken a lot of jyn, but not the irrepressible curiosity of new planets. this planet has trees, enough for forests, with leaves of green and gold and orangey brown. there are flowers and bright colors and banners of flags and it is so wildly different from the glass and steel of new amsterdam's metropolis.

for a moment, she wonders if this is another zerzura, brushing her fingers against the velvety soft petal of a pastel green flower, dipping down to breathe in the rich fragrance, heady and intense. the only dream she has been privy to thus far has been her own and she relives that nightmare every night, she didn't even realize she had voyeurs. it doesn't immediately occur to her that this is also a dream.

the children are playing something that feels familiar despite jyn's isolated childhood -- she didn't have much time for playfulness and it certainly wasn't with children her own age. ]

Hey.

[ she gestures towards the one other person she recognizes: madi looking exactly like clarke's portrait of her, young and determined and disheveled. ]

That's her?

[strove]

That's her. [Of course, Madi has never lived this scenario. There has been no idyllic life waiting for Clarke and Madi here. The more Madi began to adjust to the Flame being in her head, the more of a chance that Sheidheda would prove to be a threat. Clarke had never been able to do anything about that. It's one of many worries on her mind, but something that she feels comfortable waiting on. If anything, she knows that the world outside of her dreams right now can help her daughter.]

She wouldn't be outside with anyone right now, at least not normally. I guess this is a better place to be than most.

[Dreamwise, that is.

Though Sanctum isn't without its nightmares.]

[realists]

I used to play by myself.

[ it isn't a statement that madi will grow up to be a normal functioning adult because jyn barely functions on a daily basis and is far from normal, but she survived and she doesn't think she is a monster. her childhood imagination made her an unexpectedly good orator whose speech, unbeknownst to her, will be sent in holos across the galaxy as a rallying cry for the rebellion after her death. all from having heated discussions with herself and her handmade dolls. it wasn't all bad. ]

It was just me and my parents until I was eight. What is this planet?

[ one day maybe it will come more naturally to break planets down to the cities across them but her mind still goes to planet first. ]

[strove]

[To the first part, Clarke merely shakes her head. Madi would never have this, anyway. Her black blood and issues with Sheidheda would come in the way. There would be no idyllic future. Clarke knows what lies ahead for her and her people if she returns to Sanctum, completely unsuccessful in her actions here.

That won't do.]

It's called Sanctum. Once, it was picked out as a part of a selection of planets that might prove to be inhabitable by humanity. Oh, and it's not a planet. It's a moon. [That may be a factor in a lot of things that are wrong with it.]

Now it's where the Primes trick their people into believing they're gods so they can prey upon them. It's not a good place.

[realists]

[ there's loads of populated moons in space, either by virtue of circling a gas giant or because the planet itself is otherwise inhospitable. like jupiter! jupiter is stupid but so many of the moons could be successfully terraformed and-- no. jyn isn't going to hijack clarke's dream with her pet peeve. ]

Gods.

[ she makes a face, clarke knows her thoughts on people who think they are gods. ]

The Primes. Bit self-aggrandizing, but s'ppose if they think they're gods that would be their thing.

[strove]

Gods do exist, Jyn. Maybe not in my home universe or yours—but they do. [It's not the first time that they've broached this territory. Clarke's words aren't automatic, so much as measured and weighed. She wants Jyn on her side for whatever comes next. That means convincing her that this notion is a very real one.]

It doesn't matter here, but it might matter later. But no, the Primes aren't gods. They're just people like me. People with black blood to protect them from radiation.

[realists]

[ jyn is so stubborn she died for her galaxy rather than admit defeat, she and clarke are never going to see eye to eye on this, ever. ]

Why do you keep trying to make me believe in them?

[ she'll get back to the primes in a second. ]

[strove]

Because they're likely at the heart of what's happened to us. You think someone claiming a title of being a god is just a means of ... showing off their arrogance. It's not that. [Thor and Loki are proof of it. Yes, they were bombastic and, at times, unable to be controlled, but they weren't arrogant in what they were telling people. They're more or less annoying about it.]

Only a god could probably suppress another being of that power. We're not going to have control over our futures if we can't accept that fact.

[realists]

[ jyn truly can't articulate why she recoils from the ideas of gods. her mother had such faith that she abandoned her eight year old daughter in the firm belief that they would see each other again in the force. (and maybe they would have, but jyn's peace was stolen from her.) chirrut and baze believed so much they became guardians but their belief was in the force itself.]

I don't need to accept seven higher powers-- [ yes, she read the post. ] --to look into what brought us here.

[strove]

You don't have to worship them to know that there are powerful beings that exist. I'm not asking you to worship. I'm asking you to accept that our reality may be one where we've been touched by very, very powerful beings in some way. And this power could help change the world we know, so we don't have to go back to places like this one.

[Sanctum may seem like a peaceful world, but false gods and the power associated with them will be hard to overcome. Josephine may be done for, but who says there won't be other problems with Russell and the rest? Plus, the two suns, the way people behave beneath them ...

No, she'd much rather take her odds on the Earth they're on outside of these dreams.]

[realists]

I'm not...

[ she sighs, tired of what seems like an endless parade of people wanting her to go along with something she doesn't believe in. it isn't endless, it isn't even very many people, but rey seems desperate for jyn to believe in people she doesn't even know, will never get a chance to know, at the expense of people she does know, that clarke trying to get her to believe in gods, however gently, only serves to pluck at already frayed nerves jyn has been trying to keep under wraps. ]

I can't, Clarke. I know you want me to and I wish I could do that for you, but I--

[ it took her 22 years and dying to find some faith in the force, she is too resistant to make her way to clarke's view on this. ]

I'd rather put my faith in people.

[strove]

Jyn, you're so caught up in what you're afraid to hear from me that you aren't listening. When have I ever asked you to put faith in anyone but ourselves and what we can do with what we have? [This might be a difference of world experiences, but Clarke sees it as acting with a resource. If Jyn wishes to deny herself that resource because of her problems, her past—to some degree, Clarke can understand. It's part of why she wanted to keep Madi free of the Flame.]

Why is it so hard to hear what I'm saying, rather than what you carried before? We have to change. [A beat. She shakes her head.] No, we have changed. And the sooner we understand that, the sooner we gain control over it for ourselves.

[realists]

[ clarke is right, jyn is aware enough of that. they're having this argument in the middle of a dream and jyn can recognize that she is putting a whole other clusterfuck of a galaxy and argument on clarke's shoulders.

but knowing it and not doing it are two different things. she isn't good at talking, she never has been. with a sigh, jyn scrubs her hands over her face, hating that clarke nailed why she is struggling so much. it's everything she carried before, cut short from her closure by being shoved on this dirt planet. ]

I don't know! I don't... know. [ she had the end of her story, adjusting is still, obviously, a work in progress. ]

[strove]

I promise that it's not about a higher power that's meant to lead us to what should happen. I've seen how that destroys people. [Lexa. Madi—maybe, in time, maybe it would. The very idea frightens Clarke. She doesn't want to believe that anyone can be forced to go along with something just because of some faith or spirituality or belief system. She doesn't.]

But that's how it's being referred to, so that's the language I have for it. For now.

[realists]

[ it takes her a handful of moments to rein in her emotions, over the past few months she has let herself have emotions and it is making it much harder to shove them down as a consequence. is it worth it? she is undecided.

she doesn't apologize, as a general rule, but there is a definite sheepishness to her posture, expression chagrined and she doesn't put much effort into keeping it from clarke. ]

Okay. [ a beat, softer: ] I was with you from the start anyway.

[ gods or higher powers or whatever they end up calling these resources weren't going to stop jyn from being on Team Clarke. ]

[strove]

I know. [Is it too much to say that? To feel utterly confident as she does? Perhaps. But she does. She does know, and she doesn't mind that she does.

Clarke steps in closer, placing her hands on Jyn's shoulders. The thing is, her belief in this isn't just something that rises up from her sheer determination and need to do right by her people. It's something born of her experience as a Displaced: being friends with Loki, listening to those around her, and more. She needs to respect the truth of that for herself, even if it's not what anyone else has seen.]

That means a lot to me. It really does. I don't—I haven't always made the right choices, but this time, I'm really honestly sure that this is the way to do this. It just—it feels right, Jyn.

[realists]

I trust you.

[ her eyes cut over clarke's shoulder to where madi is still inexpertly playing with her peers. she looks like a fast learner and jyn smiles reflexively, however small a smile it may be. clarke wants a place for her family and jyn understands that need to belong somewhere, safely. ]

I get it. [ she nods again, affirming. ] If it feels right, it feels right.

[strove]

Thank you. [She smiles, ducking her head down, strands of blonde hair coming to frame her face all at once. Clarke always wonders what it would take to get people to know the real her, but she's started to accept that maybe this is her. These days, she really is doing better.]

I'm happy to switch gears if things go wrong. I've got a knack for that. [For better or worse.]

[realists]

You're a survivor.

[ it takes an adaptability to survive the way they have, the ability to reassess and change when need be instead of being so pigheaded and mulish that they push away any opinion that isn't their own. jyn and clarke have gotten there, some people haven't. ]

We'll figure it out. The gates, Northern America... Madi.

[ who knew a conversation atop a rubbish bin would lead to this. prompto would be proud of them. ]

[strove]

[Clarke bobs her head, thinking about it.]

She's not the only one, you know. My mom deserves a chance to rest. [Bellamy. Echo. Raven. All of them deserve a chance to have the peace that could've been promised to them if they had been able to live in the valley with her and Madi.]

All of my people do.

[realists]

Everyone.

[ jyn isn't going to police.

unless krennic shows up with some batch of arrivals in which case everyone will get to watch jyn murder someone with her bare hands. krennic is barred. the same ban does not apply to clarke's people or daisy's people or anyone else who might want to stay and build a safe haven for their friends and family.

the only thing set in stone is that clarke has to be jyn's neighbor, that has been decided. ]

You're the first dream I've been in. [ hopefully the last, jyn was very uncomfortable having had daisy and illya reliving her nightmares. this is loads better but that doesn't mean she wants it to keep happening. ]

[strove]

My last one was ... more invasive. I have a little more control over this one. [Clarke wonders about the cause. Is it her time with Josephine, or is it because something has changed here? It's hard to tell. Being in her mindspace with Josephine had been harrowing, to say the least. It's not something that she's eager to return to.]

Of course, last time my subconscious decided to have a full conversation with one of my best friends wearing the face of someone I—someone I loved.

[This is better. Clarke prefers to feel as if she's in control.]

[realists]

[ someone she lost, from the sound of it. jyn touches her arm sympathetically. ]

Daisy was in one of mine. At the end.

[ jyn can throw around allusions to her own untimely death with strangers but it was impossible with daisy and it feels the same with clarke. it's harder to admit to someone she cares about and who she knows cares about her so she avoids, deflects. ]

Not particularly a fan of all this. I don't like sharing, if you hadn't noticed.

[ she might not have because jyn does actually share things with clarke. ]

[strove]

[Clarke's with her, right until those final words. Her head cants ever so slightly to the side.] I hadn't noticed, actually. [There's a lot that Jyn has shared with her. Perhaps it's not everything, but her hesitation with spirituality comes from a place. Her perspective, her need to start anew here.

"Here" being outside of the dreams, of course.]

I guess I have an effect on you.