meadowlarklogs

[Don't relax just yet, that makes this even more awkward.]

Well sometimes people left Hadriel and then came back, and didn't remember anyone from there at all, like they came from an entirely different version of their own world. As far as we could tell there probably were different versions of the same worlds, which makes sense with multi-universe theories, which I'm totally not going to pretend I know a lot of details about.

[He knows basics, but he's not going to bother pretending otherwise. And this is more than enough background to give in order to get to the actual point.]

But um, there are some people here that I remember from Hadriel, but they don't know me; either their memories are gone or, more likely, they're just from alternate worlds entirely.

[He gives a long, quiet exhale before finally saying--]

I... Knew a version of you in Hadriel.

[He's explaining... a lot, which is a little weird. He's nervous, she thinks, but she can't think why, until he starts talking about how people he's met don't remember him. And then... oh.]

You what?

Edited 2020-08-12 00:09 (UTC)

[Well, could've gone better, could've also gone worse. So far.]

I knew a version of you in Hadriel. When I first met you here I wasn't totally sure if you were the Kyna I knew, or a totally different Kyna, or just someone who looked the same--in Hadriel there were like, four weird old guys with the same face but totally different histories and personalities--but when you said your name and talked about what you did in your world, I knew you had some things in common with the Kyna I knew but... You're totally different people, and that's not a bad thing, it's just...

[Words are so hard and he takes a brief moment to refocus his thoughts and continue.]

Because I knew her so well, I know some things about you that the two of you have in common, and it feels wrong for you not to be aware of that.

[She's reeling, and he's rambling so much that it's hard to keep up. She shakes her head, holding up a hand as though to ward off more explaining.

He knew her well? He knows things about her? There's an odd sense of unreality growing in her, of vague panic, but this is so beyond her sphere of experience that she's not entirely sure how to feel.]

Wait. Wait. How well did you know her? What do you know about me?

[Answering questions is a lot easier than trying to explain from scratch, so he refocuses again and tries to be more concise.]

We were friends for most of the time I was Hadriel, I think.

[It's hard to remember exact timing of stuff, but it had been a long time.]

I knew pretty much the same sort of thing I do about you, like her job and some general personality traits. But there are obvious difference too; you're not like, identical in personality, and she was also half elf, which I guess I'm not totally sure you aren't but she had pretty distinctive ears.

[Back to rambling a little but he at least cuts it off there. And of course there are a few things he doesn't mention, since he's not sure they carry over, and even if they do he shouldn't necessarily bring up at the moment.]

[Oh. Oh. Somehow that's... worse, despite the utterly bizarre comment about her being an elf that momentarily throws her. They were friends, and he's clearly been comparing them. Is he disappointed in this version of her? Does he find her somehow lacking? Maybe it says something, that that's the place her mind automatically goes to.

Instinctively, Kyna crosses her arms. It's easy enough for him to recognize it as the defensive gesture it is. She's feeling vulnerable, and she hates it.]

An elf?

Edited 2020-08-12 00:47 (UTC)

[He definitely knows that gesture, and he can guess where it's coming from; this is part of the reason he'd been both hesitant and sure he needed to tell her before too much time passed, because he knows how insecure she can be. There's no real way to phrase things so that she doesn't feel that way, at least initially, and so he's just been trying to avoid touchier topics like magic, and that Lance had originally intended to go to that Kyna's world, and that he still misses her every time he thinks about her and that's part of why he's been able to draw such a firm mental line between her and this Kyna.]

Yeah, an elf. I didn't ask her that much about it, since it seemed sort of... Rude.

[And that said, he hesitates briefly before continuing.]

I'm... I'm sure you have lots of questions, so um, anything you want to know I'll tell you, if I know.

[He feels like he owes her that much.]

[Maybe later she'll dwell on that more, but right now, it's everything else that's tripping her up. Her weight shifts slightly, back on her heels like she's half ready to flee, but she stays.]

How did you guys... I mean... How close were you?

[Not a totally unexpected question, but one he has to be careful about answering. Lance chews on his lip a moment, crossing his arms subconsciously as well.]

We talked a lot, like every few days at least, and Hadriel was... It sucked, so we had to deal with a lot of things that led to us getting to know each other really fast. We were kind of like siblings? I mean, not that I'd know since I don't have any, but...

[But that's not the point, anyway. That's the best he can describe it, as something like siblings.]

[Well... At least she wasn't his girlfriend. Siblings is a big deal, though, and Kyna shrinks a bit, struggling to process it. What does she even ask? Is there a point in asking anything?

The thing that's really gnawing at her, though, is also the thing that she's afraid to question him about. She bites her lip, scuffing her foot against the floor.]

How are we different?

[He's struggling to think of a way to reassure her and get this whole conversation back out of this painfully awkward territory, but then she asks him the question he knew was coming and yet hoped to somehow avoid.

It's also hard to answer, not just because he has to be careful about how he does so in regards to her feelings, but because most of the differences are subtle. Although he has an intuitive sense of them, putting them into words is going to be challenging, especially since he needs to pick those words carefully.]

You're um... I think you're more outwardly friendly and warm. Not that the Kyna I knew in Hadriel wasn't--she was really outgoing and caring--but it's different with you. When we first met here and I realized you didn't know me, I was prepared for the distance of being strangers and the possibility this you wouldn't even like me, but it was totally the opposite; you were so instantly kind.

[So much so that it had been really easy to fall into old patterns, and so much so that it's the first thing that comes to mind in response to her question.]

You're also more open to changing your mind and listening to advice. Again, not to say that the Kyna in Hadriel wasn't, but it took longer.

[The conversation he'd had with Kyna here about talking to people, and that she'd opened up even a little while doing so, had been unexpectedly quick. And with two complimentary comparisons, he knows she'll probably think he's being fake if he doesn't point out a negative one, so--]

I think she was a little more confident, maybe from more or different experience.

[That's not what she was expecting at all. She thought he'd have more negatives, truth be told, but maybe he's holding those back. Whether he is or not, just the way he's talking about her seems so genuine that she feels a sudden rush of affection, and she ducks her head a bit, embarrassed.

She was more confident back home, she thinks. Having her magic stripped from her has been so hard.]

This must be so weird for you.

[That isn't quite the reaction he expected; although her being a little embarrassed or flustered isn't a surprise, he'd thought she might have more immediate questions about details or might even call him out for the few negatives. The comment she makes is also unexpected, but after he considers it a moment maybe not as much so as he initially thought, since he'd just talked about her being more open with her concern for others.

He doesn't want to go much into an answer, since there's only so much he can say without having to touch on heavier subjects he doesn't want to discuss, so instead he offers a faint smile and an attempt to lighten the mood.]

It is weird, but at least some things are really familiar; the Kyna in Hadriel constantly made fun of me eating ramen too.

[A brief pause.]

Of course she was making fun of me because I kept eating it uncooked; you just seem to be against ramen on principle.

[Kyna laughs a little, weak and uncertain, but if he was hoping for her to latch onto that and make fun of him, this was the perfect strategy.]

You did what?

[Perfect, that had indeed been what he was hoping for, but it also indicates to him that she's not angry with him; at least not so much as to not go along with the teasing. That's reassuring, even though he knows there's still certainly unresolved emotion and questions.]

Hey, it was Hadriel; sometimes we didn't even have water to boil in the first place, and even when we did sometimes the time and energy it took just wasn't worth it.

Besides, the noodles are totally not as bad dry as you'd think. They're kind of like weird crackers.

[Oh, she is definitely going to bombard him with more questions, but for the moment, she's glad for the distraction.]

Lance, how many degrees do you have?

[He sighs, not exactly sure where this is going but sure it's nowhere good, and offers with a tone of long-suffering--]

Four.

[She reaches out to give his arm a little nudge.]

You stopped being allowed to eat shit like that after the first one.

[He shakes his head at that, carefully nudging her arm in return, unsure about any injuries she might've gotten during the event and wanting to be careful just in case.]

I was sixteen when I got the first one; I was still owed plenty of ramen eating years.

Edited 2020-08-12 02:09 (UTC)

The cut off is your first degree or like, 22.

[Either way, he's past it!

But then her smile fades a bit, back into something more guarded.]

Uh, hey... Did your Kyna use magic, too?

[Ugh rude it's hard to believe he's almost a decade too late by that standard. But if he still looks 22, does it really count?

And okay, serious time again, and it's another question he knew was coming. There's no avoiding it, so he tries to be as honest as possible without upsetting her unnecessarily.]

Yeah, she did. She um, taught me some too, but obviously I lost that when I got here.

[So although it's not at all to the level of how she feels, had can at least commiserate a little on how much losing it sucks. And of course he also knows much it hurt the Kyna in Hadriel when she lost her magic for awhile, which he presumes is similar to how Kyna here feels, only it's more permanent here.]

She what?

[Did he already have some magical ability, then?]

How?

Um, I'm not sure, exactly? She basically told me there was no reason I shouldn't be able to learn, and started off with some really basic stuff, and I just sort of picked it up over time.

[That actually gives him good opportunity to ask--]

Is there something called a 'focus' that you have to make, in your world? Or was that just in hers?

[She's squinting at him now, as though he's speaking another language.]

No. Where I'm from, you can only learn magic if you're born with the ability to use it. What's a focus?

[Well that's an interesting, major difference.]

It was something that was supposed to kind of store your magic, I think? Honestly I didn't know a whole lot about how exactly any of it worked, it was more like she'd explain to me things that were possible and I'd try to make them work until I got it.

[It was some very methodical, skillful learning Lance did, clearly.]

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