meadowlarklogs | those who died are justified;

[ And just like that, his walls are slamming down. He wrenches away from Jason's touch, his expression wounded before it shifts to anger. You can't trust anyone - not a single person - to see why any of it needed to be done. ]

You have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

( he gets that too. turning everything that hurts into rage. wow. damian really is jason's mini-me, just deadlier. but he doesn't--react in turn. stays on the couch, shrugs his shoulders. )

Yeah, I do.

But just because I disagree with your choices doesn't mean I love you any less.

( there it is, the "L" word. said actually seriously, not in jest. )

[ His hands ball into fists, so tight the nails rip into his palms. the word disarms him, leaves him unbalanced and hurting and unsure how to react. ]

... We did what needed to be done. [ And he knows that with the Regime gone, with a government built of his father's choosing, the world has gone right back to war. To destroying the environment. To reducing the planet to nothing.

it's not the regime that he's ashamed of. it's what came after. ]

You took away the freedom to choose.

( gently still, and jason--stands up. moves to make his way to the beer stash in some corner close to the couch. )

For what it's worth--sorry.

You talk like governments haven't been doing that for years. They turn a blind eye to the people suffering and dying to line their own pockets. They wage wars because they can only think of their own bottom lines - what about that is about the freedom of their people? Democracy became about just picking the lesser of two evils, based upon whoever in the one percent had more money and empty promises to throw around.

We made the world a better place. It wasn't about power. It was about stopping another Metropolis. And you never had to live that.

[ He's glaring. Defensive and tense... but he lets out a breath. forces himself to be calm. ]

Fine. It's -- fine.

( damian is right, but so is jason. that even what damian's talking about is one of two evils, just. take away the choice of it. democracy is a fucking lie. governments are just crime rings dressed up to look nice and pretty. that's not the point. )

I'm not gonna argue with you. Not now. ( not when he's still apologizing for fucking up, thank you. ) You're stubborn as hell and nothing is going to change your mind. I respect that. But I don't agree with you.

( fingers wrap around the lip of a beer bottle, pull off the cap before he's raising it to his lips. jason isn't drunk enough for this, goddamn. )

Dick's not gonna agree with you either, y'know.

[ He knows. He knows all too well, why the hell do you think it took him so long to say? He wants to shout and throw something - instead he bites the inside of his cheek, tries to direct that rage at something else.

He knows what Dick will say.

What the truth will cost him.

Grief wins out over pride this time. The glare drops as his gaze does, fixed on a crack in the floor he hadn't mended yet. ]

Don't say a word to him.

( dick doesn't agree with either of them on a lot of things, but they find middle ground. work together towards that. it's. . a process. they've all been raised to be violate in their own way, but dick--he's different. kind. gives too much of himself into everything. believes still, in a way jason hasn't managed since he laid on the dirt, took hit after hit after hit. )

I wouldn't. You know me better.

( there's a glance down to the bottle, before he's holding it up to offer it to damian instead. )

You know why, right? What he'd think about it. Overtaking the Earth. Fighting with Yellow Lanterns. Using that power for shit like that.

Edited 2018-11-27 01:43 (UTC)

[ he takes it. he's drank more in the few weeks he's been here than the nineteen years he's been alive. ]

It isn't like how it sounds. [ He swallows a mouthful. Considers offering it back and then just drinks more, because this is hard. This is terrible. ] Things... [ He stops. ] Things got bad after Metropolis.

( damian's beer now. that's fine, they have more, and jason realizes he's not getting that one back after damian starts drinking more. so he grabs onto a second bottle, uncaps that one. )

No matter how bad it got, your part in it isn't going to sound justifiable. That's not how Dick works.

( dick forgives as long as you're trying to get better. do better. but his view is very black and white. good actions versus bad ones. )

Sounds like you got in too deep to me.

Dick's dead. Tim's dead. You're dead. The Teen Titans are dead. Justified or not, we stopped more of that from happening.

[ He looks up, meeting Jason's gaze. There's challenge to it. ]

You didn't live it. You'll probably never have to. You don't get it. You're just going to hear it and assume the worst of me, like he does. Why do you think I didn't tell you?

No. You're right. I don't know what it felt like. Losing Dick, Tim, the Titans. Er, we kinda lost Dickie and Tim for a while, but.

( jason that isn't helping. there's no challenge to his eyes as he downs a good half the bottle before continuing on. )

Probably sucked a lot. Enough to break anyone, but you're stupidly stubborn. I imagine you turned all that depression, all the hurt into rage, fought with it tooth and nail, screamed about how you wouldn't let anyone else have to suffer what you went through. Decided to help fix the whole goddamn world of all it's problems, one day or another. Because no child deserves to lose their parent, like you lost Dick. No one deserves to watch their loved ones die off, starve to death, fight tooth and nail just to survive only to watch all of it fall to goddamn pieces because some asshole couldn't kill off an insane clown.

[ He waits for the other shoe to drop. Tense, ready for a fight. ]

We did the right thing. [ It's what he believes, through and through - because he has to. There's a faint pleading to his tone. ] Do you know how different the world becomes when one sicko gets a nuke? You don't come back from that. You can't just pretend it didn't happen and that it won't happen again.

[ His hands curl to fists. Even now he isn't being entirely truthful and he knows it, but the worst of it doesn't need to be said. ]

And it's not like we were judge, jury and executioner. We had due process. We just make sure they couldn't get out and hurt more people.

Damian. ( he's getting close to snapping, angry because damian is being a piece of shit and trying to justify stupid crap. damian knows he was in the wrong, deep down. jason knows, because he pulls the same bullcrap. )

Don't act like I'm an idiot. I know. I know the devastation one asshole can cause. I know how fucked up the whole world is. I know. Just like you know nothing you say is going to justify shit you pulled. I get it. I'm not gonna hate you or be pissed about shit that already happened. What's done is done. We get up. We move on.

So shut up before you piss me off and we both do shit we can't take back.

[ He bristles. His grip on the bottle tightening and tightening as his palms heat. It was justified. It was right. It was needed. Why can they never see that? ]

You don't know a god damn thing. [ To his credit, he doesn't throw the bottle. He has enough in him to set it down before he smashes it. He's not going to hit Jason again, he's not going to go through this again. This was a fruitless exercise. He was better off keeping his mouth shut. ]

I don't, huh.

( jason doesn't have the same level of restraint. the bottle in his hand shatters, beer and glass intermingling on the floor. he takes a step forward, towards damian. bulks himself up. )

Out of all of us, you should know better than that. I don't know jack shit, huh? I know the shit side of the world better than any of you. Dick grew up loved, Tim was supported. You? Had an absolute shitfest of a run, I know, but you got Dick, and people at least gave enough of a crap to keep you alive. Fed. I got the crap beaten out of me by Gotham's finest. I fought hard to keep my mother alive just to find her dead on the goddamn bathroom floor. There were days I didn't eat, because some fucker bigger than me would take what I stole and I'd give whatever I had left to her. She was barely there, D. And then she was gone.

Talia's a piece of shit, I'm not gonna compare because hell, it's shit all around. But I know the dirty, disgusting corners of Gotham better than anyone else in our family. I know what shit like that does. When you and B were swinging around Gotham's nightlife, where the hell did you think I was?

( a breath, fist clencing tight around broken glass. )

Wanna try that again. Or should we take this elsewhere.

[ his expression goes flat. one hand bracing against the table, trying to calm himself. to not let the outburst - but he's not coming out of this. he can't. jason keeps talking and he doesn't know how to express himself, express that it's different. his childhood was nothing in comparison to the devastation that came after. ]

You gonna hit me, Jason? [ he pushes away from the table, turns to face him. ] You're about his height, his size... [ he nods to himself, his voice cutting. ] I bet you can hit as hard as he can. Harder, probably. Someone's got to beat the lesson into my eventually, right? You wanna try being the guy? You wanna be the one that teaches me how wrong I am with his fists? Nothing I can't handle, right?

No. ( the answer is immediate, fist loosening, dropping bits of glass and blood onto the floor to mix with the beer miss already there. )

God, Damian. I'd never fucking--( he stops child abusers, doesn't. abuse them. fuck. jason's expression twists, pain evident--but he's quick to turn himself around, ) I'd never, in my entire goddamn life, use violence as punishment. Not like that. Not with you.

( he's leaving. coming home was a mistake. )

[ Jason isn't Bruce.

This isn't going to go that way. It isn't going to be like that. He knows, of course he fucking knows, but he expects it. Keeps trying to drive things to the conclusion he ~~thinks~~ knows they're coming to. Speeding it up, because he sure as hell can't stomach waiting for it all to crumble. ]

Jason, wait. [ He starts after him. ] I'm sorry. I - I know you're not, you wouldn't.

Edited 2018-11-28 04:09 (UTC)

( he's not bruce. and he sure as hell isn't damian's twisted, angry version of bruce wayne. he'll never be, god. the thought's enough to make him sick to his stomach, feel four seconds away from vomiting.

the call just makes him walk faster, a little unsteady (so much booze. bad idea) but he's almost there. the door's open, he's a moment from exiting. )

If I ever hurt you like that, kill me. I'd rather be dead than that kind of monster.

I'm not going to kill you!

[ There's no way in hell he's letting Jason get away. He hurries his pace, grabbing onto his jacket - feeling more like a child than ever. ]

You're better than him. In every way. I know you.

( damian feels like shit, jason feels even shittier. because he fucking knows. he doesn't move when damian grabs onto him. keeps absolutely still. )

No. I know, Damian. You get pissed, open your mouth. Say shit you regret but it all comes from somewhere.

[ He doesn't let go. Keeps his fingers curled into the fabric of Jason's jacket, so tight it strains his knuckles. He can feel himself trembling faintly, the extended arm shaking with the strain - not sure if it's anger, or fear, or just too much of everything. ]

I got used to being everyone's punching bag. [ It's low and raw. ] He didn't agree with me, ever. I was always just... wrong. And wrong needs to be corrected. He locked me up, if that didn't work he'd guilt me, and if that didn't work, or if I fought back, he'd hit me a hell of a lot harder than I ever hit him. Because I didn't agree with him, because he blamed me for an accident. He'd offer to let me come home but only if I was sorry or if I atoned, because clearly there's something wrong with me.

[ A breath. ]

So how long is it gonna be before you see it and throw me out.

( jason wants to be angry, still. he's still pissed at damian, but jesus christ, this is--a little more serious.

being able to control himself like that, tell himself the anger isn't important, it's newish. jason's grateful for it. it gives him the opportunity to turn himself around, wrap an arm around damian's shoulders, tight. hold him close, pressing a chin to the top of his head. if damian wants to fight it that's fine, he doesn't care, he just--

probably needs this as much as damian does right now. )

We'll disagree. Fight over stupid crap. But I'll never, ever, use violence for punishment. Not like that. I won't punch you out of anger--hell, if I ever swing at you it's because I know how easy you can turn that shit back around on me. It's--( complicated. they were raised in complicated ways, jason always swings his fists but. ) never to hurt you. I swear. There's nothing wrong with you. You're only human, D.

[ He still doesn't know what to do with this. Any of it. With having a family again, with not having to fight. With not having any power, or influence, or a reputation that he'll never outrun.

Jason trusts him. Jason gives a shit about him. Jason's not going to try to beat him back in line when all else fails. It's not something limited to Bruce -- it's just a fact of the world he was in. When all else fails, use your fists to make your point. Beat the other party into submission, hurt them because their wrong.

He wraps an arm around him in turn. The empathy link bleeds his old hurts and desperation to be better. ]

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