meadowlarklogs | those who died are justified;

No.

[ He goes quiet again. ]

Jason, I'm not a good person. I haven't done good things. They were all for the greater good, but...

You are a good person.

( don't argue against him, nerd. there's a huff of air that leaves his lips, but jason's not moving away. doesn't try for eye contact. )

You do shit things for good reasons. I get that. Hell, I get that better than most. But you're trying.

[ ... ]

You can't say that without knowing context.

Then give me context, and I'll say it again.

[ A long, slow exhale. He looks up again, looks up to see if Dick is listening - even though he knows he isn't here, can't hear this. ]

( damian braces himself, and jason--waits. doesn't push. doesn't demand, because he knows how well that works out for them.

read: not at all. damian will open his mouth when he feels like it or not at all. )

[ He doesn't even know where to begin. There's been so much - and starting from the beginning won't do anything, not when there's so much to tell. ]

You died. You died and the old man did nothing. He let the Joker go, he let him keep killing. He let him you, and Lois, and eleven million people. Superman stopped him. He put his hand through the clown's chest and ripped out his heart, and my old man was so bent out of shape about it that suddenly Kal wasn't a person to him anymore.

[ ... ]

Kal went after Arkham. And you know how he is about it - what is that Bat going to do if all the freaks aren't getting sprung every other week? I told him that. Let him take them, let him kill them if that's what he wants to do, and he shut me out. I was dead to him that day. He fell out with the rest of the League and created his own little rebellion. He even took in the clown's sidekick, the one who helped him kill all those people.

[ He's leaving out details, but he doesn't need to say that part. Jason already knows the gist - not the why or the how, but the outcome. ]

After that we made changes. Big changes. We tore apart the world's governments and rebuilt it from the ground up, we made it all one Earth and not a bunch of broken parts. We ended war and poverty. But we were fighting a war - with the Insurgency. With the Green Lanterns. Apokolips. The Greek Gods. We killed, we joined up with the Yellow Lanterns, we rubbed shoulders with Ares. But we ended wars because we weren't afraid to end it.

But when I wasn't paying attention, Zsasz got out. He killed Alfred. Left him on the floor of the Batcave on his birthday. When we caught him [ ... ] I disabled the security cameras in his cell. And I tortured him. Slowly. For hours. Until he told me which cut was Alfred's. And then he bled out on the floor.

I killed so many people -- but I'm not ashamed of any of it.

( damian goes on, and on, and on, and jason's careful to keep a nice, neutral expression on his face. careful not to show exactly what's going through his head because god.

jason doesn't follow bruce's line of thought re: the joker. does think that assholes do deserve to be put down. but taking away an entire fucking planet's freedom for the sake of peace is absolute bullshit. that's not peace. that's a dictatorship. one that's absolutely bound to fail because people don't like their wings being taken away from them. he can't even fucking imagine what went through damian's mind to make him think going along with it was a good idea. he knows what it's like to be controlled. ended war and poverty--absolute bullshit. that doesn't happen. there's always war, even if it's not out in the open. always poverty, even if it can't be seen.

damian sounds like a goddamn lunatic.

but jason also realizes that he's not going to be able to hide his reaction long at all. and damian can smell a lie a mile away. )

You know how all of that sounds, right? To my ears. I don't give a shit about the bodies, I know where you stand on that line. But the overtaking governments. No poverty, no wars.

You sound like an asshole who came into power and abused the hell out of it. Who doesn't give a shit about anyone's way except his. Who gets pissed and gets rid of anything that gets in the way of their goddamn world.

( like bruce. )

[ And just like that, his walls are slamming down. He wrenches away from Jason's touch, his expression wounded before it shifts to anger. You can't trust anyone - not a single person - to see why any of it needed to be done. ]

You have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

( he gets that too. turning everything that hurts into rage. wow. damian really is jason's mini-me, just deadlier. but he doesn't--react in turn. stays on the couch, shrugs his shoulders. )

Yeah, I do.

But just because I disagree with your choices doesn't mean I love you any less.

( there it is, the "L" word. said actually seriously, not in jest. )

[ His hands ball into fists, so tight the nails rip into his palms. the word disarms him, leaves him unbalanced and hurting and unsure how to react. ]

... We did what needed to be done. [ And he knows that with the Regime gone, with a government built of his father's choosing, the world has gone right back to war. To destroying the environment. To reducing the planet to nothing.

it's not the regime that he's ashamed of. it's what came after. ]

You took away the freedom to choose.

( gently still, and jason--stands up. moves to make his way to the beer stash in some corner close to the couch. )

For what it's worth--sorry.

You talk like governments haven't been doing that for years. They turn a blind eye to the people suffering and dying to line their own pockets. They wage wars because they can only think of their own bottom lines - what about that is about the freedom of their people? Democracy became about just picking the lesser of two evils, based upon whoever in the one percent had more money and empty promises to throw around.

We made the world a better place. It wasn't about power. It was about stopping another Metropolis. And you never had to live that.

[ He's glaring. Defensive and tense... but he lets out a breath. forces himself to be calm. ]

Fine. It's -- fine.

( damian is right, but so is jason. that even what damian's talking about is one of two evils, just. take away the choice of it. democracy is a fucking lie. governments are just crime rings dressed up to look nice and pretty. that's not the point. )

I'm not gonna argue with you. Not now. ( not when he's still apologizing for fucking up, thank you. ) You're stubborn as hell and nothing is going to change your mind. I respect that. But I don't agree with you.

( fingers wrap around the lip of a beer bottle, pull off the cap before he's raising it to his lips. jason isn't drunk enough for this, goddamn. )

Dick's not gonna agree with you either, y'know.

[ He knows. He knows all too well, why the hell do you think it took him so long to say? He wants to shout and throw something - instead he bites the inside of his cheek, tries to direct that rage at something else.

He knows what Dick will say.

What the truth will cost him.

Grief wins out over pride this time. The glare drops as his gaze does, fixed on a crack in the floor he hadn't mended yet. ]

Don't say a word to him.

( dick doesn't agree with either of them on a lot of things, but they find middle ground. work together towards that. it's. . a process. they've all been raised to be violate in their own way, but dick--he's different. kind. gives too much of himself into everything. believes still, in a way jason hasn't managed since he laid on the dirt, took hit after hit after hit. )

I wouldn't. You know me better.

( there's a glance down to the bottle, before he's holding it up to offer it to damian instead. )

You know why, right? What he'd think about it. Overtaking the Earth. Fighting with Yellow Lanterns. Using that power for shit like that.

Edited 2018-11-27 01:43 (UTC)

[ he takes it. he's drank more in the few weeks he's been here than the nineteen years he's been alive. ]

It isn't like how it sounds. [ He swallows a mouthful. Considers offering it back and then just drinks more, because this is hard. This is terrible. ] Things... [ He stops. ] Things got bad after Metropolis.

( damian's beer now. that's fine, they have more, and jason realizes he's not getting that one back after damian starts drinking more. so he grabs onto a second bottle, uncaps that one. )

No matter how bad it got, your part in it isn't going to sound justifiable. That's not how Dick works.

( dick forgives as long as you're trying to get better. do better. but his view is very black and white. good actions versus bad ones. )

Sounds like you got in too deep to me.

Dick's dead. Tim's dead. You're dead. The Teen Titans are dead. Justified or not, we stopped more of that from happening.

[ He looks up, meeting Jason's gaze. There's challenge to it. ]

You didn't live it. You'll probably never have to. You don't get it. You're just going to hear it and assume the worst of me, like he does. Why do you think I didn't tell you?

No. You're right. I don't know what it felt like. Losing Dick, Tim, the Titans. Er, we kinda lost Dickie and Tim for a while, but.

( jason that isn't helping. there's no challenge to his eyes as he downs a good half the bottle before continuing on. )

Probably sucked a lot. Enough to break anyone, but you're stupidly stubborn. I imagine you turned all that depression, all the hurt into rage, fought with it tooth and nail, screamed about how you wouldn't let anyone else have to suffer what you went through. Decided to help fix the whole goddamn world of all it's problems, one day or another. Because no child deserves to lose their parent, like you lost Dick. No one deserves to watch their loved ones die off, starve to death, fight tooth and nail just to survive only to watch all of it fall to goddamn pieces because some asshole couldn't kill off an insane clown.

[ He waits for the other shoe to drop. Tense, ready for a fight. ]

We did the right thing. [ It's what he believes, through and through - because he has to. There's a faint pleading to his tone. ] Do you know how different the world becomes when one sicko gets a nuke? You don't come back from that. You can't just pretend it didn't happen and that it won't happen again.

[ His hands curl to fists. Even now he isn't being entirely truthful and he knows it, but the worst of it doesn't need to be said. ]

And it's not like we were judge, jury and executioner. We had due process. We just make sure they couldn't get out and hurt more people.

Damian. ( he's getting close to snapping, angry because damian is being a piece of shit and trying to justify stupid crap. damian knows he was in the wrong, deep down. jason knows, because he pulls the same bullcrap. )

Don't act like I'm an idiot. I know. I know the devastation one asshole can cause. I know how fucked up the whole world is. I know. Just like you know nothing you say is going to justify shit you pulled. I get it. I'm not gonna hate you or be pissed about shit that already happened. What's done is done. We get up. We move on.

So shut up before you piss me off and we both do shit we can't take back.

[ He bristles. His grip on the bottle tightening and tightening as his palms heat. It was justified. It was right. It was needed. Why can they never see that? ]

You don't know a god damn thing. [ To his credit, he doesn't throw the bottle. He has enough in him to set it down before he smashes it. He's not going to hit Jason again, he's not going to go through this again. This was a fruitless exercise. He was better off keeping his mouth shut. ]

I don't, huh.

( jason doesn't have the same level of restraint. the bottle in his hand shatters, beer and glass intermingling on the floor. he takes a step forward, towards damian. bulks himself up. )

Out of all of us, you should know better than that. I don't know jack shit, huh? I know the shit side of the world better than any of you. Dick grew up loved, Tim was supported. You? Had an absolute shitfest of a run, I know, but you got Dick, and people at least gave enough of a crap to keep you alive. Fed. I got the crap beaten out of me by Gotham's finest. I fought hard to keep my mother alive just to find her dead on the goddamn bathroom floor. There were days I didn't eat, because some fucker bigger than me would take what I stole and I'd give whatever I had left to her. She was barely there, D. And then she was gone.

Talia's a piece of shit, I'm not gonna compare because hell, it's shit all around. But I know the dirty, disgusting corners of Gotham better than anyone else in our family. I know what shit like that does. When you and B were swinging around Gotham's nightlife, where the hell did you think I was?

( a breath, fist clencing tight around broken glass. )

Wanna try that again. Or should we take this elsewhere.

[ his expression goes flat. one hand bracing against the table, trying to calm himself. to not let the outburst - but he's not coming out of this. he can't. jason keeps talking and he doesn't know how to express himself, express that it's different. his childhood was nothing in comparison to the devastation that came after. ]

You gonna hit me, Jason? [ he pushes away from the table, turns to face him. ] You're about his height, his size... [ he nods to himself, his voice cutting. ] I bet you can hit as hard as he can. Harder, probably. Someone's got to beat the lesson into my eventually, right? You wanna try being the guy? You wanna be the one that teaches me how wrong I am with his fists? Nothing I can't handle, right?

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