meadowlarklogs | those who died are justified;

You don't have to tell that to me. Grew up in the gutters, remember? I've seen--well. enough.

( that's forgetting his own death, even. the kind of bullshit he's seen joker pull after. just the crap he saw as a kid was enough to make jason realize some people really do deserve to die. that not everything can be fixed by bars or drugs. that a bullet would save so many other lives in a lot of cases.

jason doesn't go into it. instead he leans into damian a little, raises a hand to ruffle his hair. )

's not what I did that's bad. It's that I swore I wouldn't. That I abused what little trust I'd earned back, and for what? Letters written by my piece of shit old man, for crusty revenge that wouldn't help anyone, especially not me.

I know. [ He tolerates it, as he always does. ]

You shouldn't have done it. If you made that promise to yourself, you shouldn't have done it for your own sake. But what's passed has past.

[ He exhales. ]

And you matter more than your mistakes.

( considering how hard damian holds onto his own mistakes--hearing him spout out this is--surprising. but jason understands the sentiment behind the words. understands what he's getting at. )

Make you a deal, D. ( hand slipping out of his his hair to wrap around shoulders, instead. )

I'll work on believing that if you do the same.

[ He should have expected that. He looks at Jason briefly at the contact, then away. To the floor. ]

Not all of mine were mistakes.

Not all of mine were either.

( softly, leaning into damian. this is still fucking weird, but he can handle it--for his snotnosed baby brother. )

I won't leave you, promise.

[ He exhales slowly. Leaning against Jason's shoulder, going quiet. All of this started because Jason thought he needed to do something to get him to talk. ]

We've killed a lot of people, Jason.

Dick doesn't need to know that. 'least, not about you.

( everyone already knows jason todd is the fuck up. that's fine. damian presses in close and jason sure as hell isn't going to stop him. just. rests his cheek against the top of his hair. )

We didn't kill anyone. We just executed the garbage. It's different.

No.

[ He goes quiet again. ]

Jason, I'm not a good person. I haven't done good things. They were all for the greater good, but...

You are a good person.

( don't argue against him, nerd. there's a huff of air that leaves his lips, but jason's not moving away. doesn't try for eye contact. )

You do shit things for good reasons. I get that. Hell, I get that better than most. But you're trying.

[ ... ]

You can't say that without knowing context.

Then give me context, and I'll say it again.

[ A long, slow exhale. He looks up again, looks up to see if Dick is listening - even though he knows he isn't here, can't hear this. ]

( damian braces himself, and jason--waits. doesn't push. doesn't demand, because he knows how well that works out for them.

read: not at all. damian will open his mouth when he feels like it or not at all. )

[ He doesn't even know where to begin. There's been so much - and starting from the beginning won't do anything, not when there's so much to tell. ]

You died. You died and the old man did nothing. He let the Joker go, he let him keep killing. He let him you, and Lois, and eleven million people. Superman stopped him. He put his hand through the clown's chest and ripped out his heart, and my old man was so bent out of shape about it that suddenly Kal wasn't a person to him anymore.

[ ... ]

Kal went after Arkham. And you know how he is about it - what is that Bat going to do if all the freaks aren't getting sprung every other week? I told him that. Let him take them, let him kill them if that's what he wants to do, and he shut me out. I was dead to him that day. He fell out with the rest of the League and created his own little rebellion. He even took in the clown's sidekick, the one who helped him kill all those people.

[ He's leaving out details, but he doesn't need to say that part. Jason already knows the gist - not the why or the how, but the outcome. ]

After that we made changes. Big changes. We tore apart the world's governments and rebuilt it from the ground up, we made it all one Earth and not a bunch of broken parts. We ended war and poverty. But we were fighting a war - with the Insurgency. With the Green Lanterns. Apokolips. The Greek Gods. We killed, we joined up with the Yellow Lanterns, we rubbed shoulders with Ares. But we ended wars because we weren't afraid to end it.

But when I wasn't paying attention, Zsasz got out. He killed Alfred. Left him on the floor of the Batcave on his birthday. When we caught him [ ... ] I disabled the security cameras in his cell. And I tortured him. Slowly. For hours. Until he told me which cut was Alfred's. And then he bled out on the floor.

I killed so many people -- but I'm not ashamed of any of it.

( damian goes on, and on, and on, and jason's careful to keep a nice, neutral expression on his face. careful not to show exactly what's going through his head because god.

jason doesn't follow bruce's line of thought re: the joker. does think that assholes do deserve to be put down. but taking away an entire fucking planet's freedom for the sake of peace is absolute bullshit. that's not peace. that's a dictatorship. one that's absolutely bound to fail because people don't like their wings being taken away from them. he can't even fucking imagine what went through damian's mind to make him think going along with it was a good idea. he knows what it's like to be controlled. ended war and poverty--absolute bullshit. that doesn't happen. there's always war, even if it's not out in the open. always poverty, even if it can't be seen.

damian sounds like a goddamn lunatic.

but jason also realizes that he's not going to be able to hide his reaction long at all. and damian can smell a lie a mile away. )

You know how all of that sounds, right? To my ears. I don't give a shit about the bodies, I know where you stand on that line. But the overtaking governments. No poverty, no wars.

You sound like an asshole who came into power and abused the hell out of it. Who doesn't give a shit about anyone's way except his. Who gets pissed and gets rid of anything that gets in the way of their goddamn world.

( like bruce. )

[ And just like that, his walls are slamming down. He wrenches away from Jason's touch, his expression wounded before it shifts to anger. You can't trust anyone - not a single person - to see why any of it needed to be done. ]

You have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

( he gets that too. turning everything that hurts into rage. wow. damian really is jason's mini-me, just deadlier. but he doesn't--react in turn. stays on the couch, shrugs his shoulders. )

Yeah, I do.

But just because I disagree with your choices doesn't mean I love you any less.

( there it is, the "L" word. said actually seriously, not in jest. )

[ His hands ball into fists, so tight the nails rip into his palms. the word disarms him, leaves him unbalanced and hurting and unsure how to react. ]

... We did what needed to be done. [ And he knows that with the Regime gone, with a government built of his father's choosing, the world has gone right back to war. To destroying the environment. To reducing the planet to nothing.

it's not the regime that he's ashamed of. it's what came after. ]

You took away the freedom to choose.

( gently still, and jason--stands up. moves to make his way to the beer stash in some corner close to the couch. )

For what it's worth--sorry.

You talk like governments haven't been doing that for years. They turn a blind eye to the people suffering and dying to line their own pockets. They wage wars because they can only think of their own bottom lines - what about that is about the freedom of their people? Democracy became about just picking the lesser of two evils, based upon whoever in the one percent had more money and empty promises to throw around.

We made the world a better place. It wasn't about power. It was about stopping another Metropolis. And you never had to live that.

[ He's glaring. Defensive and tense... but he lets out a breath. forces himself to be calm. ]

Fine. It's -- fine.

( damian is right, but so is jason. that even what damian's talking about is one of two evils, just. take away the choice of it. democracy is a fucking lie. governments are just crime rings dressed up to look nice and pretty. that's not the point. )

I'm not gonna argue with you. Not now. ( not when he's still apologizing for fucking up, thank you. ) You're stubborn as hell and nothing is going to change your mind. I respect that. But I don't agree with you.

( fingers wrap around the lip of a beer bottle, pull off the cap before he's raising it to his lips. jason isn't drunk enough for this, goddamn. )

Dick's not gonna agree with you either, y'know.

[ He knows. He knows all too well, why the hell do you think it took him so long to say? He wants to shout and throw something - instead he bites the inside of his cheek, tries to direct that rage at something else.

He knows what Dick will say.

What the truth will cost him.

Grief wins out over pride this time. The glare drops as his gaze does, fixed on a crack in the floor he hadn't mended yet. ]

Don't say a word to him.

( dick doesn't agree with either of them on a lot of things, but they find middle ground. work together towards that. it's. . a process. they've all been raised to be violate in their own way, but dick--he's different. kind. gives too much of himself into everything. believes still, in a way jason hasn't managed since he laid on the dirt, took hit after hit after hit. )

I wouldn't. You know me better.

( there's a glance down to the bottle, before he's holding it up to offer it to damian instead. )

You know why, right? What he'd think about it. Overtaking the Earth. Fighting with Yellow Lanterns. Using that power for shit like that.

Edited 2018-11-27 01:43 (UTC)

[ he takes it. he's drank more in the few weeks he's been here than the nineteen years he's been alive. ]

It isn't like how it sounds. [ He swallows a mouthful. Considers offering it back and then just drinks more, because this is hard. This is terrible. ] Things... [ He stops. ] Things got bad after Metropolis.

( damian's beer now. that's fine, they have more, and jason realizes he's not getting that one back after damian starts drinking more. so he grabs onto a second bottle, uncaps that one. )

No matter how bad it got, your part in it isn't going to sound justifiable. That's not how Dick works.

( dick forgives as long as you're trying to get better. do better. but his view is very black and white. good actions versus bad ones. )

Sounds like you got in too deep to me.

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